6 September - post men o pause will be great

Just what I need on a day when my libido is inexplicably low. Proof of this is that at the w/e I turned down a prospective new lover two days in a row, still haven’t called him. I know it happens but I still don’t like it. Thankfully some survey in the Independent says that women over 40 are having more sex and enjoy it more than ever. Hurrah! I belong, there’s a peer group for me. That’s normally my state of mind/play so today will pass. Though last Sunday I was telling a friend that cycling 6 or 8 miles to Portobello Rd and back was good for me on my period as exercise lessens the pain and the fewer painkillers I have to take, the better for me. She said ‘Periods? What are those?’ She’s 53 and was on her way later to a swim and I thought yes, would be great if they disappeared altogether but very worried if desire also goes. She says it’s liberating not to have to think about ‘that’. I like my waves of ups and downs dictated by menstruation patterns. I become incredibly perceptive in those two or three days with a corresponding decrease of attention though, leading to all sorts of clumsiness. Everything is clear: the path to follow, the things to drop as they are wastes of time etc and the big questions get asked and the house gets thoroughly cleaned and tidied, you know those bursts of manic energy, but… if all of this goes when will I manage at least a few hours of introspection? Will my rampant narcissism take over? Sample thought of the day as I will be travelling to Las Vegas in a week or so…’Must have new photo taken for my work pass as otherwise, if anything happens, some hurricane blows away the silly city or some such, the missing or dead photo they’ll use for me is what I currently have which is not dissimilar to a mug shot of a Red Brigade terrorist.’ - How’s that for a nod to the 70’s so called ‘Years of Lead’ in Italy/Germany? Makes a change from today’s brand of terrorists – those were mostly affluent middle class uni kids. So there you go, worrying about appearances as usual. Or libido or lack of such. Then again, I forgot that at the Iggy concert, during a song aptly called ‘Dirt’ – sample lyric “How do you feel when you fuck me” – I had a very enjoyable interlude with Paul’s hand down the front of my skirt. Though a degree of modesty prevented me from turning around and reciprocating. Noone would have noticed but still. I guess I have to accept that lows follow highs and vice versa. Is this one of my most incoherent entries? I honestly cannot face editing it.
ps. I berate myself for the vanity thing but... I've never had any cosmetic surgery and neither have I ever purchased some ridiculously priced pot of creme de la mer or similar - my conscience vis a vis the dispossessed of the earth would not let me even if I had the money - so am going to be kinder to myself.