20 January - Miscreants & Jails

It’s working! Remember I asked the universe to send me some criminals? Just to make life a little more interesting? Well, Leela, who came to join me from Bombay where she is with Boyfriend on important business, revealed that she’s done time for some cheque book fraud back in the 80’s? or was it 90s? Not much time, 6 months in a continental jail, she says they let her out early because she's posh, but I must ask her for more details. We also had a very satisfying couple of days in top end establishments courtesy of her credit card. This proved however that Indians service in five stars is similar to indian service in one star hotels. They just don't like to ever say 'no' and disappoint you so they 'lie' about everything. 'Yes we have your reservation but we don't appear to have a room for you' type scenario. Leela and I also passed the time discussing hot flushes which she has regularly and am terrified may be starting. However the good news is that hot flushes have nothing to do whatsoever with your libido. Hurrah! Leela is not far from fifty but she's a most enthusiastic shopper at Coco de Mer and can afford things like the 'horse'. Ok am not describing it but it will take pride of place in her new apartment. For now am just coveting a knuckle duster sort of ring which has pearls in a straight line all across the top. You twist it round so that the pearls are on the underside of your hand and, well, imagine what you they can do to his penis. Wonders. But I digress. So.

Check this out, only a day later as I wait for my moto rickshaw to take me from Hospet to Hampi at dawn, am accosted by two remarkable looking characters as I drink a much needed sweet tea after 9 bumpy hours on a coach. They claim to be Mexican miscreants but turns out their passports are USA. They live in Tjiuana but that doesn't make them Mexican much as i agree allegiance to any other flag is betther than their own. One is very tall and wears a wide brimmed had. One is just 6ft and both are wearing sort of LA punk gear and proper laced up leather shoes, none of your hippy sandals thank you. Their torsos are topped by remarkably large silver necklaces bought on the beach in Verkala. Thankfully no silly skull rings adorn their fingers so I decide to let them ride with me, especially as their baggage consists of small knapsacks and an MP3 sound recorder, and once we arrive in Heaven/Hampi, they get a room at the same guest house. They owe that to my air of respectability which wins over the suspicious lady proprietor. They won’t give me proper names, only Jovi and Badger. They claim to have respectively two wives and to be a recent dumpee. They have the addicting air of trouble about them and sure enough Jovi is wearing Badger’s hat as he’s recently cut his long hair for a court appearance and has done about a year in jail for … drug related offences. Nothing to do with his normal job as karate teacher and voice coach. Seems Badger is actually a wholesaler of herbs from a sweet smelling farm in Oregon. This is going to be fun. Thank you universe.