23 January - Coils & Locks

'We thought we’d be arrested, but not for arson in a small town’. I asked for criminals and I got some. But minor as you know. Have still not established what Jovi did to go down and it’s apparent that the mild mannered Badger (a quick explanation of name ‘I cut up my connections with mankind and I assumed the form of a badger, they have their sweet furry mates and have their garden’) has never killed anyone though prior to coming here he had to turn down some summit at Playboy mansions to discuss the US policy on dope (?).
Whilst the boys have gone carousing of an evening in nearby hot spot Hospet and corrupting their Indian drivers who normally do not imbibe much Old Monk or do mushrooms, I’ve gone to bed early as have been up at 7 for yoga classes, saintly me and of course we’ve done miles and miles of temples and rocks. So am fast asleep under my protective mosquito net when someone bangs on the door and tells me ‘There’s smoke coming out of your friends’ room’. I answer they’re out and what can I do about it? But no, the voice returns a few minutes later summoning me to the ground floor to witness the breaking and entry into their room. Which takes forever and the whole street comes watching as the giant lock is refusing to be hammered open and producing a very unnatural sound for these parts. Eventually the door gives and yes, there goes a smouldering mattress and pillow by now in a dense cloud of acrid smoke. With a sigh of relief I see no drugs paraphernalia lying about in the general ‘Primal Scream on tour have been here’ mess of their room. The culprit is a mosquito coil. Phew. Lady proprietor is very unhappy. Hubby proprietor tells me the price of new mattress and lock, I offer apologies, offers to the gods tomorrow and so to bed after they secure the door with a much smaller lock and give me the key. I am Jovi's and Badger’s responsible parent obviously. I giggle a lot while I consider I should have left no note informing them that I have the key, so that the returning mushroom heads would have taken a while to work out – Alice in Wonderland style - what dimensions had altered: just a general shift in the universe or was their key really too big for this lock? But I thought of the racket and sensibly wrote ‘You’re in the doghouse big time, come upstairs’.
Unfortunately or fortunately they did not do mushrooms, but procured opium instead so they’re sheepish and very apologetic as they turn up to get their key. The man for whom ‘Fucking up is my religion’ seems to apply as a description/mission in life is sort of enjoying the tale though. Not so sure he will when he realises vengeful lady proprietor has not replaced mattress yet and he has to share with his mate. Thankfully opium makes you kind of spacey and not horny so no danger there.