25 January - Stars & Memories

Not only do you see a canopy of stars like you wouldn’t believe when you’re on the others side of the world – some you could never see from London due to their position in the sky, and some you just would not see because our skies are never totally black. But you also create some sort of space into which memories travel at a different speed. Also they don’t appear in chronological order. How great is that! You never know what you’ll remember next. I decide to eat a thai thom kha soup just because I see it on a menu and much as I could eat rice and dahl every day, it’s a temptation I can’t resist. And I have a delicious Madeleine moment before I even taste the first spoonful. I’m just looking at the clear lemon grass broth and the floating leaf and am instantly transported to a beach in Ko Phangan and the arms of the gorgeous Craig who could have eaten a tom ka every day of his life and be delighted by it. I got a taste of chilli after trying to keep up with him. I don’t think we ever ate lunch or dinner without holding hands and laughing and being supremely happy. We were joined at the hips for weeks and it never felt like a constriction. In fact it seems positively unreal. If I look at photos of that time, I look like I’m permanently on E, my smile is so wide. Something to do with not believing the handsomest boy on the beach was mine. And I don’t have a self image problem but this one was my Brad, my Johnny, my Keanu all rolled into one and it seemed to me the crowds parted when we walked through. Like I said, am sure it wasn’t true but I was in another dimension and I liked it. For his part I think I was better than Madonna so it was mutual. But even the best things end and it’s just memories and photos that survive.
Memories being like endless fractals, the appearance of the next train of thought is harder to explain , as it has nothing to do with Thailand and healthy food but perhaps with just health. I think of Al who’s in hospital in St Mary’s right now and I couldn’t visit as I’m here. Another gorgeous 33 year old battling cancer since 2003 and hopefully defeating it. What is it with that age? I knew two others who lost the struggle at that same juncture to the same disease. Jax had planned a last trip with her best friend and ex lover Moose (Moose and Badger would have got on well, eco friendly boys with substantial gifts of discourse) and it never happened as doctors refused to give them the necessary 3month supply of drugs in advance. So they never went across Russia on the trans-Siberian train or whatever it’s called and she never saw China.
It all ended at the cancer ward in Brompton rd on a cold January day. I remember the picture I saw later of a cringeing, shrivelled old lady wrapped in a bright red shawl and asked ‘Is this Jax’s mum?’ ‘No it’s Jackie the week she died’ came the reply. A non smoker/veggie, bouncing girl. Same as Al, a strappy, velvety black skinned health freak. Mark was a reprobate by comparison, but not a bad one. He knocked his head falling off a moped and the x-rays showed three tumours. Not a chance. Died on 8 Feb. more than ten years ago. Still, a lottery. For every mile I cover, it’s one more universe of stuff they never got to see.