9 July - Work & Anxiety

Work anxiety! If you’ve never experienced it you don’t know how insidious and horrible it is. Here I am returning to work and my work is by all accounts easy and manageable. I made sure of it a few years ago when I, in keeping with most of the people I know/have known, decided that the game (status/cash) was not worth it/my health. I am gripped by mild anxiety knowing what expects me is little – must just be facing a prison again after ten days off - and so imagine how the BF must feel as he has to pull something together in a week with not enough time and not enough resources for it to be done well and on top of that he has to motivate other people who are also aware of the no time/not enough cash, and the basic premise of it all is crap situation and so uh ho, they won’t be bullshitted that easily. I practically would have hardly slept last night if I’d had this to face today. But sleep the BF did. It helped that he got the usual devoted GF treatment, ie. super services which placed no demands on him, in other words a fantastic BJ. And with that, peaceful sleep was in order and hopefully a degree of master of the universe self-deception will cloak him and allow him to tackle his mountain.

As I get into work there’s an email by a former colleague or actually a more senior one I should say, who’s gone to work for a gung ho company who’s determined to obtain the best country results in the family of their world branches. and thus brainwashes them into its ethos. M. has had 3 weeks of 12 to 14 hour days where she feels like she’s property of the SAS and tells me of high turnover of people who get out of that company. She took the job recently as in her previous one, she’d had a last year of purely working to the benefit of a CEO who did not reward her underpinning of his business enough, plus she’d been there 5/6 years and a change is always good. She was also coming up to 40 and had separated from the historical BF of 7 years and generally sounded in the last year like her skin couldn’t contain her any more… so she went for better title, more money but what for???? She wouldn’t even have the time to meet someone new at this rate. And writes wistfully of the boats out at the weekend on the lake close to where she lives, but of only having no time to go sailing or riding (her other passion). I on the other hand have the time to go riding (sailing is not my thing) but no money for this expensive sport. So there you have it. I still think am better off though. After all, I could go riding somewhere cheap like Romania.