14 February - Semantics

I emailed someone at work and told her I wanted a sentence changed and that it was just a matter of semantics that bothered me. Then I thought I better be right and went to check the meaning to be sure and boy how much there is to read!

I know well 5 out of the following, I guess around another 3 or 4 and have no clue about the rest (I did not study greek btw so that doesn't help): homonymy, synomymy, polysemy, paronyms, hypernymy, hyponymy,meronymy, metonymy, holonymy, exocentricy, endocentricity, linguistic compounds.

And I didn't know about the 100 years long back and forth argument that the Indians had about. words as indicators and not carriers of meaning. Never ever heard of vyakarana trdtition.
As for all the philosophers and theorists of words mentioned, approx 40, I truly only know very, very few, like, er... 3 and I could not reel off their theories, but just about place them in the correct part of a century. It made for a great half hour marvelling at how much I'd have loved to study this shit. But then it would have to be all I know as my head would explode.

I then read an article/caption on some photo by Wim Wenders who talks about his inspirations and I did better here, I recognise/know a few of these people's work, Salgao and so on. But it was equally depressing.

You just have to accept you'll never know diddly squat out of your main areas of interest or job that provides your livelihood and if you're not obsessive really there aren't enough hours in the day or night to delve into much else unless you're a bloke in which case you may just about manage as you're not dealing with laundry/shopping for food/cleaning/cooking/house admin/social life for all family organising/holidays sorting out etc etc. Yep, I still have a downer on how throught he centuries men who are not out toiling fields have more contemplative hours in the day than women. I even forgot child rearing above. How could I? Well I did because that was my main reason for the no motherhood decision. I did want to have some hours in the day.

But i should be talking Valentine stuff right? Well semantics are here too. What constitutes the meaning of Valentine, when did it even enter the lexicon and are there any Valentine deniers etc etc.

I'll have a good time. We've moved on from the first year when a certain someone was so utterly nervous and backward looking that to gain time he delved into his record collection and dared to play an Art Ensemble of Chicago record to me fuming on the sofa in my heightened sexual expectation status. Bless. Love him for that. In retrospect it may have been a deliberate test. I handled it well and didn't march over to hi fi all aggressive stance and broke the cd in two.

14 January - Downsizing & Downmarket

I seem to have survived the longest day of the knives at my workplace. It's all very well buying ailing companies but when one wants to carve yet more cash out, the first thing to do is cut some workforce in the lead up to the end of financial year. Personally I think if most people forsook their bonuses, dozens of people would not need to lose their jobs but hey, what do I know, I don't run a company so.

I sort of knew I'd be ok but the atmosphere was awful and though I am not a close friend of the now swiftly departed ex colleagues, it gets to you to see their disappointment and life in disarray. Especially the family ones. The not tied down by responsibilities, like moi, were probably thinking to do what my friend D. has done upon exiting Goldman Sachs (he's not a banker so not got away with a sack of cash but enough) and get thee to Goa straight away. My personal choice was/is Thailand and as my Murdoch victim friend D. will be there soon for a few weeks, it would have been great to finally see if my idea that a holiday followed by another holiday is the best thing that could happen, was indeed a good one. In the end having avoided the axe, I've also decided again the voluntary redundancy package and staid put. The legacy of being brought up 'sensible' which I hate my parents for. Staying put also means moving to the much hated site of Canary Wharf. I shall be moaning about that plenty in the coming weeks. I loathe the place. Make me an offer anyone, if it's in the West End and it's 9-5, am there.

However, the stress of yesterday made me fall asleep at 8pm with a backache I never usually get... This didn't stop Toph from 'administering' some not so relaxing sex. The amount of times I say things like 'You do what you want but I shall be pretty unrersponsive' and then er.. get involved. So am extra stupid at work today, and probably on this blog as well, as am busy populating 'drafts' for previous few weeks and not really getting to the point of what I want to say.

7 May - Wine & Tea

On the delights of Kennington gay dinner parties and the discussion about opening a wine bar or two which seems to please gorgeous BA purser M. who’s got a way with people and my Toph who imagines what life he could have just sipping and serving loyal customers. It tell both that I’d never want to be front of house, am too moody for that, but I could be counted on to be a super bitch to staff who let us down – one strike and you’re out - or try to steal from us. Believe me I say, everyone is out to fleece you and scam you.

Tbc.

Next day I meet a friend who last year opened a cafe’ to pursue his dream. He’s lost 3 stones and falls asleep cycling home as he does 6.30am to 8pm days most days and on some he has to stay later and has had no holidays, nor can he plan one. This is partly down to problem with staff. You know, you can’t find the right chef and if the chef doesn’t turn up and you have to step in and do all the prep, then when you’ve cooked 70 meals you have to deal with all the ordering/admin because you can’t find the right assistant manger etc. This is not what he had envisaged at all. He was looking forward to being front of house and making friends with interesting regular customers. The location is opposite a major TV channel. Turns out also that his devoted g/friend leaves her office job at 5.30/6ish to go help with cleaning, and more. So, she’s equally stressed. I tell him to give it a bit more time and don’t crack yet but he doesn’t look healthy and no matter how nice the place is, it’s not making him lots of money and it’s causing him grief.

Not ... fun! Must tell the wine bar dreamers...

9 November - Skirts & Nigeria

I’ve tried to get rid of this Kenzo suit from the 80s on various occasions but it’s just too corporate to interest any vintage shop or friend and so it’s survived in the wardrobe/trunk for all these years of un-usage. Clearly I’d never wear a suit, have no compulsion, even when I had jobs that welcomed them, the jacket always lived on the back of my chair. I admire suit wearing women, it makes life so simple. You just stick a thin top/shirt underneath, and you’re sorted. But I can’t do it. But neither can I see a good suit go to waste so today for the first time in probably ten years, I’m wearing the skirt. It’s a pencil skirt so it’s perfectly fine for every year but maybe last time I tried it, it was a bit tight. Not now. The zip goes up smoothly all the way to the (high) waist. So it’s with a certain satisfaction that I announce to the female colleagues that I’m wearing something that I bought in ’85 or ’86. To which one pipes up ‘I wasn’t even born then’. Sigh….

And I instantly remember a flight back from Cannes where a woman I worked with dropped some coffee on it and I had to dry-clean the jacket. What a fun working trip that was. TV stuff, great celebratory dinners, exciting new people and parties, firm friendships formed, that particular one lives in Toronto now, I went to her wedding 7 years ago and she’s divorced already.

I have been working for the entire life of my young colleague who wasn’t born yet in ‘86. It’s not right. I feel tired, I want to go home. I have worked for over 20 years non stop bar a sabbatical which I’m hankering to repeat, only double in length. We’re not meant to work this long and the female life expectancy in Nigeria is 43 years which means you do stop working earlier than I am/will. But it’s not on my list of favourite countries, no matter how vibrant its chaos and how friends from there point out that only people from Lagos are the Nigerians I can’t stand on account of … many things, mainly arrogance and overpowering body shapes. I digress. Mr Kenzo, where is he know? I bet he’s still selling skirts like this one…. Time for google.

9 July - Work & Anxiety

Work anxiety! If you’ve never experienced it you don’t know how insidious and horrible it is. Here I am returning to work and my work is by all accounts easy and manageable. I made sure of it a few years ago when I, in keeping with most of the people I know/have known, decided that the game (status/cash) was not worth it/my health. I am gripped by mild anxiety knowing what expects me is little – must just be facing a prison again after ten days off - and so imagine how the BF must feel as he has to pull something together in a week with not enough time and not enough resources for it to be done well and on top of that he has to motivate other people who are also aware of the no time/not enough cash, and the basic premise of it all is crap situation and so uh ho, they won’t be bullshitted that easily. I practically would have hardly slept last night if I’d had this to face today. But sleep the BF did. It helped that he got the usual devoted GF treatment, ie. super services which placed no demands on him, in other words a fantastic BJ. And with that, peaceful sleep was in order and hopefully a degree of master of the universe self-deception will cloak him and allow him to tackle his mountain.

As I get into work there’s an email by a former colleague or actually a more senior one I should say, who’s gone to work for a gung ho company who’s determined to obtain the best country results in the family of their world branches. and thus brainwashes them into its ethos. M. has had 3 weeks of 12 to 14 hour days where she feels like she’s property of the SAS and tells me of high turnover of people who get out of that company. She took the job recently as in her previous one, she’d had a last year of purely working to the benefit of a CEO who did not reward her underpinning of his business enough, plus she’d been there 5/6 years and a change is always good. She was also coming up to 40 and had separated from the historical BF of 7 years and generally sounded in the last year like her skin couldn’t contain her any more… so she went for better title, more money but what for???? She wouldn’t even have the time to meet someone new at this rate. And writes wistfully of the boats out at the weekend on the lake close to where she lives, but of only having no time to go sailing or riding (her other passion). I on the other hand have the time to go riding (sailing is not my thing) but no money for this expensive sport. So there you have it. I still think am better off though. After all, I could go riding somewhere cheap like Romania.

26 April - Halleluja & Bonuses

See how ungrateful we can be? Today am basking in the comfortable zone of knowing am totally debt free (by which I mean nothing owed on credit cards or to current accounts or to friends – the mortgage lender is going to annoy me for just a few more years longer) thanks to my bank account finally receiving my annual bonus.
This is not the kind of sum that is contributing to altering the London economy by pushing up the price of houses and coffees and whatevyouelse but… it’s still subject to 40% tax deduction which is bad, bad, bad. Why? Why is the threshold still so low in view of the fact that less than 40k doesn’t buy s hit in London? Ok, am doing what I promised not to do, moaning. Thank you nice employer who is actually not really exploiting me and rewarding my sullen-ess with a gift of a few grand. And whilst am at it, thank you Lord of cars by allowing my nice shiny motor to pass its MOT with no work to be done to it. Bets are now being taken as to which exact day and month will see me tipping into the red again. I feel the urge to book the BF and I on mystery trip abroad and tog us up for the occasion. Oh, and Scott of Mayfair is booked and so is Petrus of Knightsbridge. As part of remaining reasonably frugal, something had to give, so cheap tickets have been bought for Pelléas et Mélisande at ROH… hope Melisande ie. Angelika Kirchschlager can ‘upgrade’ us. She’s good friend of a best friend, worth asking and I’d love to meet her of course, she is extraordinarily talented. I love my bonus, I love my bonus…