2 February - Twin & Mirror

Back in London back the usual life. Which includes seeing the usual people. Took mere minutes to go from zero to a hundred in the ‘hot under the collar’ stakes. For others it may be scents or tastes or touch. For me and Dear John it’s words, a few chosen ones. Our own shorthand now only needs to say two names, the alter egos of our sick little psyches and it’s straight back to those nights. I have my arms round his back and midriff, am simply saying goodnight at a respectable 10pm in a private club of his liking. He feels fatter and softer than he has been (though he didn’t look it under the usual well cut suit) and so towering over me compared to Toph. I run my hands up his back under his shirt and feel his erection pressing on my tummy (we are the right height). The room disappears and in a flash I see a mini movie containing unbuttoning of trousers, dropping on knees, sucking him for a few minutes before moving back up to kiss and entering that particular tunnel. I want to touch it and feel it, but that would doom me pretty fast. Toph doesn’t know what forces I have to battle with for his sake. Where is he??? Thousands of miles away this week…
My evil twin and I end up sublimating it all with a few more words and nebulous plans for the future, which will never happen, but it makes it easier for now to cool down. We’ll take three days off sometime, take everything possible with, music, substances, paraphernalia but frankly just our dirty minds would be enough and go off somewhere and thoroughly exhaust the myriad impulses, wishes, desires, madness that would take over. As if….Two seconds later as the guy selling the Big Issue is still standing there mesmerised (after all we are not young and beautiful – well one of us is not young and the other one is not beautiful and only they should be allowed to make out in the streets) we part. He says ‘I don’t ever want not to have you in my life’ which sort of... doesn’t flow and it’s verbatim almost what he wrote on a napkin the night of our four hotels and four bars trip. It must be for real because In Vino Veritas and all that, but it’s considerably less desirable and durable than something like ‘You are my life’. Being a mere component would not do! It’s not enough right? Says the addict to the bottle. I walk away without sadness for once. Toph come back, it’s you that I want.