18 December - shops & goats

I have not bothered this blog with shopping advice yet but with only a few days to go... here’s some. And it’s for both men and women.
Even on a Saturday, take your time at home and do what you want, doodle about, eat and then go out around 6ish. You’ll hit Harrods before 7pm and be pleasantly surprised there’s very few people around. All gone home, tired out. The designer rooms will be even echoing with the sound of your heels. Ah, forgot to mention that you’ve taken yourself out alone. Essential. You’ll wander about following your own trajectory and as there’s little time left before closure at 8pm, you don’t want to be following anyone else. The sales assistants will be tired but if you say something nice, they’ll still be extra helpful. Or maybe they are thinking of that little extra commission to reach a personal best that day.

Of course you’d be a fool to spend any money before the sales kick in in ten days so to resist the impulse to part with cash, take your digicamera with you and be photographed in outfits and accessories that take your fancy. I’m not sure if big stores have policies on photographs but if you aim to ask another customer they won’t step in, but you can ask a sales assistant. Pick younger, they won’t have been there long, be sure of the rules or they may even be casual holiday staff. Tell them you want your boyfriend to buy you either this or that item and the price is a bit steep but when he sees how good you look in it, he’ll hurry over and no, he’s a man, they don’t do well with style and barcode numbers to identify your boots of choice or dress or finest scarf etc. The picture will do it. Oh be sure to look the part so no hoodies or making it look like you’re casing the joint for a massive shoplifting session!

On your way home you can review your pictures and I guarantee that that Philip Treacy hat at £200 is not making you look much better than the £50 one from cheaper designer. You’ll realise that you probably don’t need any of the items you craved early and if they appear in the sales at a slashed price, then, you can already know you can snap it off the hands of another shopper and pay for it presto because it looks great on you. In the meantime you will have satisfied the urge to buy by picking one of the seasonal reductions on offer. Stores still do them. My bargain of the day is a pair of Kurt Geiger sparkly party sandals for £35. They may be last season or have sold like hotcakes and only my size is left but who cares. £35, whoosh, am at the till before you can say cash or credit.

The reason why you’re only out buying for you is that you deserve it most of all, but also that you only buy for children and very immediate family (this means only your blood not brothers in law, cousins, in laws etc). To the rest of your 25/30 friends deserving of Xmas presents you tell them you’ve consolidated all their budget into x amount of donkeys and goats and new wells and crop seeds etc for an African village and please can they do the same with your present and the rest of their 25/30 friends and relatives. Very soon exponential espousing of this simple plan would result in many villages in Africa or south America or take your pick having something they need and you having one less set of smellies or scarves and gloves you don’t need etc. Tell them otherwise that your present could be new skiing clothes and skis and boots etc which may be out of their range but the little goat isn’t.
Clearly this system appeals only to 40 something who have embraced some form of altruistic notions. Do not attempt to explain this to people who still crave a new hugo boss perfume, a tacchini tennis racket, diesel jeans, fornarina shoes, wheels dolls and baby party dresses or ipods and xboxes. There’s only a 30 year window for branded goods desires so er. Don’t deny them. Sit it out. Then bring up the goat again.