14 February - Shags & Preggers

I’m a prophet. I always said to Dear John, complete with playful wagging finger, ‘You’ll end up in Ireland with an Irish lass’. He always denied this vehemently as ‘fate worse than death’ could not befall him, but… it’s happening. There’s a specific reason, ie a baby on the way. This was never discussed with the girlfriend of course, but he seems fine with the reality. It’s always surprising how men never make the correlation between not using any protection/birth control and the fact that this is what may well happen. And that it’s why since time immemorial it happens exactly in this way, the great unplanned or unplanned by the girl by default. After all, a woman has a 50% chance of the man in question fleeing. So it’s good odds, better than at roulette or blackjack. It will be good for DJ and a case study perhaps. Will the serial shagger in him manage to stop? Will masturbation suffice? After all, even if shagging the same person didn’t eventually lead to some boredom, there’s the issue of all those weeks/months where it can’t happen technically. I know they say you can do it at any time whilst pregnant, but…. When you’re the size of an elephant or feel that way, you don’t particularly want to do it, or even suck for that matter. Then there is the post birth consequences. As Anna who gave birth the other day delicately put it, her first words on the phone to me were ‘My ass is on fire!!! Lisa I can’t move’. By which she coyly was referring to the entire area. Baby was induced nearly a month after original delivery date and took 20 odd hours to appear. And he was a normal size. God knows what would have happened had it been bigger. And of course she doesn’t have mashed up nipples yet.
Well, it’s not like DJ has to live in Dublin all his future life, so that part of the prophesy may change, but as he’s buying a house there, then for the foreseeable future at least, I’m in ‘Told you so’ mode.