2 May - Mothers & Daugthers

What is it that brings out the worst in women about their mothers? Am out with a g/friend and after 3 glasses of wine the subject of her largely estranged mother’s impending 70th crops up. This is fraught for various reasons and mainly because one other sibling seems to have organised a lavish party without any consultation with the other two but would like a hefty and equal share of costs thank you very much. Cue… lots of arguing. The mother has a terminal illness though there is no precise date for er, you know, her dying. I ask my friend is she’s at peace with the fact that that may happen before their eventual reconciliation.

She says she’s fine with that and will not spend time berating herself after the ashes are scattered and this leads her to tell me a story, just one, of why she hates her mother. It’s nothing gruesome but a great example of mother totally failing her. I find myself sympathising and though I don’t have such hard feelings towards mine, the fact that she’s never apologised (despite requests) for various incidents that have left a pretty strong mark/impression on myself and my sister for example, means that there isn’t an abundance of affection on my part. Or rather, she’s my mother, she’s tried her best, but she was never going to be a friend, she
fucked up there and though I can see her logic and the background to why she acted that way, well, it still not excusable when an adult should know better than a child/teenager.
However, in magazines and movies you’re constantly coming face to face with various women citing their mums as their heroes and friends. We find this very doubtful given the sample of all our other girlfriends, 90% don’t have any time for their mothers. Could it be that 90% of my girlfriends are childless and possibly until you have kids of your own you don’t understand the hell that it was for your mother to actually cover that role? (actually the one who started the conversation has kids so maybe my argument doesn’t hold and I can think of a few more friends who are mothers come to think of it).
The 10% who seem to be friends with their mothers are women in whose family there has been some tragedy, ie. mother was widowed early or divorced and so the daughter had to become some form of more adult support to the grieving parent? Or in a couple of occasions that also spring to mind, the daughter is still some the kind of person who likes the infantilising aspect of calling her mother ‘mummy’ and being treated like a child, having various small crises smoothed over by the baking of a pie or a shoppig trip. I don’t know… iI wonder.. But there wouldn’t be any mother and daughter Daily Mail spreads for me and mine….