21 April - Advice & The older bird

At friend’s b’day dinner am sat at the end of the table with two of his beloved inner circle from age 4 (or thereabouts friends). Think they’re 37.
We hear an hilarious tale concerning J being set up for a date with a fashion PR and of his misuse of telephones and voicemails redolent of John Favreau in ‘Swingers’. I think it's totally sweet how he's allowing us to poke fun at him. Condiering that in his job he's a master of the universe type guy, this is doubly enjoyable. After which there’s more talk of dating. We hear of J (again) and his pursuit of a classy Nordic bird who won’t sleep with him but leads him on and on and on. I cut the crap by telling him that considering he’s very, very rich, this particular posh totty is playing the classic game of ‘you don’t get anything till you marry me’ type thing. And I advise he should wear the double condom when the time comes to consummate before he finds himself providing credit card for all those beauty treatments she’ll buy with his money. Cynical? Moi? Never.
B, married for ten years to university g/friend of several years, and father of two children, asks the guys ‘But do you really want a relationship or are you happy about having many girlfriends? I ask because I have no understanding of what your life may be like, having been with just my wife’ (I swear to god he blushed as he said it which was immensely likeable).
The boys hum and err and say they’ve not really resolve that one ‘everyone wants to be with somebody type thing’. B says it’s not a question of finding the girl and then deciding but more of being with a girl and the decision finds you. Mmmhhh the 3 of us seem dubious and … jealous.
D mentions he recently brought a male friend, who he thought would be a catch to a party, and all his female friends did not go for him citing ‘He’s too old (41) and set in his ways’. I put my hand up and also volunteered Toph as an example of ‘Too set in his/our ways’. From there I went on to advise dating much older women, well, early forties, if they wanted top unattached s ex and to specifically find out if said women should still be fertile because if they were not and so not looking for unwitting sperm donor, they would have a great… summer.

I get on some kind of hobby horse about the fact that if you get past 40 and have a decent job and no kids to factor into your life, then the need to attach yourself to a man, sort of decreases. You don’t really mind going to other people’s weddings or christenings. You accept there must be a reason you didn’t put yourself in that position and get on with your life. But I could see had gone too far in stripping the bride bare. Women are not supposed to be so… not romantic about s ex. God, I can see I’m unbearable on 3 glasses of red. Preaching and patronising to boot. Thank god B chose this moment to ask A and D about their recent Brokeback mountain style walk in the Peak District. I gleaned that this country is great in terms of landscape but a terrible let down as outside of London ‘There’s no decent food/restaurants’.

In the meantime my beloved is trying to make conversation with another inner circle friend. He works for a top political TV programme so you’d hope he has opinions and anectdotes and stuff but he’s had a bad day and is a bit monosyllabic and prone to make declarations about having been a sex addict and an alcoholic but without going into too many details (he’ s now married happily since a few months back). I can see my man trying his best but I put his mind at rest by saying ‘Look at the amount of wine we’re drinking, M. is probably just staring at the bottle willing himself to stick by the AA rules and not reach for a consolation drink after his bad day'. In other words, it's not you, it's him and shame you're on the other side of the table and I can't rub your back.
Can you believe it? I know everything! How can I possibly cope with not being a Top Dog in some job considering how I have an answer for everything? I am about to hang my head in shame when D. gives me a big hug 'goodbye' and pays me some well chosen compliment. Maybe I was useful after all....