31 October - Advice & Men

Well, it’s usually women who read self-help books and talk the lingo of therapy when it comes to relationships. Vis moi for example. After conversing with male friend at w/end who seems to be taking space from a girlfriend to mull things over, but in reality seems to be moving on (sex with ex and lunches arranged with several enticingly fresh new acquaintances), I did ask him if he wanted some suggestions in order to pick the future mrs. with a little more nous than before (you know, chemistry rules but if that’s all there is...). So I sent him something I’d saved from the internet ages ago and which talks about what to look out for in terms of compatibility, you know standard stuff, people who are not afraid of change, people who have leant how to communicate effectively, people who don’t rely on you to fix their world, people with no addictions or co-dependency issues and so on. Bless him, he said ‘Send it on.’ And so I did.

But I hold scant hope that he will read it, after all my BF left it on a kitchen counter top long enough till I chucked it in the bin. He never used it as a basis for some enlightening discussion. It falls to me to ask from time to time ‘Are we alright? Anything to air? Anything not sitting quite right with us’. I always get the ‘No, all fine’. Because that’s essentially what people do … till they pack their bags and leave.

Anyway, most men have a female friend or two and some are lucky enough to have a friendly ex wife with whom they still share a house. So it falls to ex wife to suggest ex husband goes to couple’s therapy with on/off girlfriend of a couple of years (or is it three) with whom he has major issues but they don’t seem to find a way forward. Am surprised he agreed to go to sessions as he’s very manly 45 odd Welsh man who had no time for fripperies (though the girlfriend has a pet rabbit and he’s not killed it yet, merely banned it from car journeys). I will not comment on women of 30 odd years who keep a rabbit as a pet. That would take a whole Freudian chapter.

The Welsh man could be forgiven for returning to his previous opinion that therapy is a waste of time though. He’s out with the ex wife at a function the other night and declares himself quite relieved that he has broken up (in no uncertain terms he thought this time) with girlfriend at the Relate session earlier that day. With therapist as witness. Imagine his and ex wife surprise when later that evening they return from splendid evening honouring Ms Kylie Minogue at some industry bash and pet rabbit and owner are on sofa smiling and waiting for him.

He is beginning to despair that he’s not being heard. But on the other hand if he doesn’t kick rabbit and girl out of the house instantly, his actions are not following his words and so you can see how people get confused. (see: 'ability to communicate clearly' on my checklist). Then again this is the man who had brought over the Thai girlfriend of two or three years in Bangkok and was planning to share himself between 'miss me love you lon-time' and 'miss pet rabbit'. Miss pet rabbit had hit the roof upon discovering thai girl ensconced in his house but then had forgiven him and thai girl had left. And the Relate sessions had started. Gosh, am beginning to think these three are beyond help.