3 July - It's not true that age is only a number

God the loneliness of it all! (see 25 June for a timeline of this new obsession). Seems that besides my best friend, 46 year old C. who’s sadly situated by way of marriage in another country and so is not available for daily misery exchanges, I will have to face this ageing drama alone. C. says that where she lives, they’re all in denial and go anorexic to counteract any effects of the drop in oestrogen levels. That’s too drastic for me. But at least she sympathises as says she looks six months preganant. Me, am about three I'd say.

My youthful slim 51 year old London friend R. rang to say that she’s still having her periods and so has not experienced my fat stomach symptoms yet. Ah, the injustice, the lottery! And my 56 year old friend R. is clearly over whatever it is that happens and cracks jokes about the size of her girth. And my 43 year old friend L. said that it’s typical of my ayurvedic type to kick against the passage of time when I’d do best to just accept it. And my 41 year old friend D. said she’s no idea what am talking about but as she’s on anti-depressants she’s gone up a size already.. My 48 year old friend D. keeps drinking wine and not facing the bulge increase. My 49 year old friend P. just writes back ‘You’re beautiful and you’ll always be’ But I don’t believe her. My 42 year old friend M cheerfully says she's had a fat stomach all her life and so will be unconcerned. I could go on.

I’ve cut out the alcohol, as first source of sugars that can go but it’s hard because am surrounded by people who like a drink and I’m out all the time and can’t keep drinking water. I’ll have to pretend to be AA to make it stick.

The internet is full of what to do when you’ll have full on symptoms and can go on HRT but I don’t have any of those yet, only the fattening. Well, am not laughing. It’s like having puberty again. Remember those feelings of ugliness just because you had spots or sweaty glands? Those thoughts that run on a mono rail thinking thing, you know just the same one practically over and over? Well it’s like that. I just think all day long ‘oh my god am getting fat for no reason other than my ovaries have dried up and all the plump from my face, my tits is just going to deposit itself on my tum and my thighs’. I feel like I have fat legs just sitting on a chair. I feel the flesh spread out on the chair seat. I keep holding my thighs in my hands and just feel the fat oozing. This has to stop. I go for a jog on the treadmill and I practically see a duck in the mirror waddling about where my body should be. This distortion is taking hold. And to top it all I can’t do a mile in ten minutes, I might as well be walking. Not that I was ever much faster than that though. Nobody understands as they all say you look the same to me. Except Toph who can’t argue when I show him my protruding belly. It’s freaking me out like some bad trip. And I never did those.. (or one …)

If that wasn’t enough am getting up every day and the skin round my eyes is sort of sore, like it was thinning. This is bizarre. And I’ve never needed concealer in my life and now have these age spots forming right there underneath, where they look like dark circles. There’s a few beginning to emerge and if they join up all together it will look like I’ve been punched. None on the top of my hands though. Darn, I’d rather have them there, that’s more normal.

Ah the rage! Maybe some hypnotherapist can make me visualise something else other than old crone approaching?