16 June - Proxy dating with the young

We;re going out when we see young neighbour BM playing some kind of darts game in his garden with a young maiden, so we say hello and he invites us in for a drink. We oblige. Turns out they've spent part of the afternoon together (second or third time they meet) but she's meant to go elsewhere in the evening although it's 8.30 and she originally was meant to leave him at 5pm. We can only assume it's going well. We invite them out with us and she says oh ok then.

We get to the Cow and meet dour russian S. - who had two dates lined up, one was the fall back one, but they've both let HIM down. We feel like mum and dad though S. is pushing 40. No sign of BM, who arrives half an hour later minust girl because she did after all want/need to go to her mates at bar in Primrose Hill. Both S and BM and my boyfriend, are keeping an eye out for the ladies in the bar/street. Toph says he's doing if for the other two guys but I know better. But i get into the game too.

BM in the meantime has received an email from afternoon girl and replies. Though that’s the spirit, he’s conducting this conversation whilst being instantly in love with stunning blonde at the bar at the Cow. She’s with various Italians but she’s not Italian and I can’t catch her accent. I stand so close to them at the bar (my spying mission) that I end up being stared at by the bloke they’re talking to who must be wondering why I keep looking at them/him. This is embarrassing, but I have a good track record with getting people to talk to people and am trying. But by this point afternoon girl replies in unequivocal fashion to BM. She says 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad would I be if I swang back to where you are?' Blimey! He's panicking about how to reply so I dictate 'Very bad!' He wants to say more but I'm firm, he must leave it at that. He wants to go pick her up too but I say no, she said she'd swing by and if she gets here on her own tod, she must really want this. And so he’s off home to find the emergency condom. He’s a comedy act tonight. Bless. 27 years old and smart, and rich and not bad looking. What would I give.

So we head home, secretly pining for the days when we could do this exciting courting/mating ritual but still considering that when it goes wrong (see dour Russian S. , it feels like shit).

Two days later Toph sees BM in the garden and enquires. Turns out afternoon date did come to his. They got naked but then she said words along the line of 'I don't know if I should really do this....' To which my nice, middle class BM said 'Oh, if you're not comfortable, then maybe, you should think about it.. ' or words to that effect. OH NO! You can see where this is going. Girl wanted renewed permission to be a bad girl but lovely BM didn't get it and gave an earnest answer. Result: girl got in a huff and he called her a cab and off she went into the night. According to him, the window of opportunity has now shut.

What a waste! But allows Toph and I to feel lovely smugness again. Even when the bird is in the hand you can lose it and BM may have to be alone in his tent at Glastonbury. Maybe I should go and be on hand. He should have texted me before going all american college boy scared of the girl who'd cry rape afterwards...