26 December - Canapes are evil

Canapés are evil, but I know what to do. One of my greatest discoveries happened by accident. I arrive at an in house xmas party (catering stuff all east European as is the rigueur these days). As I enter the room carrying for once only a tiny purse, I’m still chewing my chewing gum. There doesn’t seem to be anywhere to put it. Empty glasses are proper glass not paper, no ashtrays are on display. The plant pots are too clean to be able to conceal my rubber. Only later do I think I could go to the loo and wrap it in toilet paper or go into the kitchen and drop it in the bin. I don’t do this because I have now realised that so long as the chewing gum stays in my mouth (dormant, I’m not chewing of course, how rude) I cannot help myself to the evil tempting stuff on the trays. None passes my lips. God knows how many calories saved. It’s a boring party. My friend only sees these people once a year and all past common pursuits are forgotten. Add to that ‘I never liked his wife’ and the point of going is? Simply to find out if they’re still living in the same big house or have done better in the world. Forgive me for not getting exactly jealous of a large family house in Shepherd Bush. Big deal.

As for that other staple, mince pies, never understood the thing myself. Who eats such awful treacly stuff? I hesitate to use the word patisserie. And xmas puds? Seriously? Go continental and light with a Pandoro - the fluffier version of Panettone, can be dressed up with liqueurs and cream if you must. That's my message. tbc