1 April - Spring cleaning & Kazoos

Spring cleaning beckons really, now’s the time, years of having to assist your mother (and the grandmother before her) have left a certain imprint. But unlike those women, now it’s much easier to ignore the call. I don’t want a cleaning person to do it. They just don’t do it right. But it’s just so daunting when you’re not a housewife and thus at home most of the day. The time around work is just too precious. That said, the floors have been scrubbed on hands and knees with a scourer and cloth, going behind radiators and along windowsills. But… the complementing chores will just have to remain uncompleted. I just can’t face them. Which brings me to many other chores or jobs I’ll never face, starting with….You remember cassettes? I still have hundreds of them. They don’t bother me, stored neatly in some drawers that I cannot even reach as blocked off le divan (or sofa or settee - is it couch that you shouldn’t use if you’re not working class?). The cassettes were last played in the 90’s perhaps so not been played for years and never will anymore…a test a while back revealed that the quality was quite appalling compared to Cd’s and ipod. They are not e-bayable (not that I’ve ever found the time to work that one out, yes never bought anything, never sold anything, the credit card fraudsters will have a hard time finding me, so what to do with them. Can’t chuck them, which is clearly what I should do. But will never file them away. And why is this taking valuable thinking time?

Let’s just move along this train of thought and reach…Jobs I wouldn’t like to have, as opposed to those I can’t tackle. Top of the list would be Channel 4 spokesperson. Obvious why… fancy spending your days defending reality TV and related fuck ups and all that other output that includes dubious documentaries masquerading as useful or eye openers on various issues or health improving or… but are just total trash to watch. Is it hard to live your life as a castrato or a 20” tall person? You bet. Wow, every time I thought about it before (zero) I reached the same conclusion that the relevant documentary proposed. And all without the benefit or hindrance of the dreadfully hushed and concerned tone of voice of the chosen narrators. All the people featured or willing to be featured always seem to be American. But the programmes are made by UK company. Am I missing something? Or are they missing something? Clearly there are series that could be commissioned. Once you’ve examined the travails of castrati in the US, you could contrast and compare with the castrati in Ukraine and in New Zealand and so on.

Which reminds me of something else entirely, but there’s a link ie… you can get anything wacky made or realised. A true tale. As you know tickets for Glastonbury sell out in the space of an hour. Considering how much they cost the festival is definitely no longer what it was/should be. But let’s let that pass. So, a guy thinks, shit, how can I get in there? He writes a fax to the festival saying he’s in a kazoo band and please could they be booked to play. Within 30 mins he gets a reply from the festival asking what are they called (a name is swiftly invented) and an offer to play. Subsequently this gets formalised with a cash payment, 14 guest tickets for band’s friends and…. I can’t remember how much to buy extra kazoos to be handed out to the public as these pied pipers move along the fields. Genius. I propose to go see relevant CH4 commissioner (Arts & Entertainment or Ministry of Silly Walks?) and get £100k for an hour on ‘The rebirth of the kazoo and kazoo classics’.