18 November - Dorothy Parker

Sometimes I think I am Ms Parker but perhaps my witty ways will only be appreciated in restrospect. I am quite proud of the following for example but it seems to have resulted in a friend ceasing communication as of a few days ago when I wrote it in an email.
The background. Male, 38, in love with woman, 34? who has a boyfriend of 18 years and who despite protestations of wanting something different, simply can't make the break. 'It's complicated' she says. Yeah, right, of course it is. In the meantime she's having her cake and eating it whilst hosting my friend several nights a week and then banishing him when her fiancee' comes to visit some weekends (they're both continental and she's here on a work placement till Xmas).
My friend has taken to describing his situation as a 'French farce'. So, I thought it would be ok to ask, after the boyfriend had just been to visit and had departed again:'How is your romance with G. going? or should I say the timeshare with N.? (N. being the longterm first owner of G's heart).

Tell me? Was I wrong? I mean, I may have prickled too back in the days I had a long term affair but if anyone had called my all consuming romance which I thought was so hot and not tawdry at all, a 'Timeshare' with his lovely wife, then maybe I'd have wised up sooner.

Ah well, this gets me out of being consulted for any advice which suits me fine. I dislike G. despite her jollyness when we've met. And he's an idiot so there.

8 August - Gyno Spas & Listening Booths

Love the internet, part # 387. Am cruising to find some info for a colleague re cupping treatments and I come across a spa that offers vaginal and gynaecological treatments. Like you know, you can sit on a chair with a hole in the middle and have herbs wafting up. Sure, it’s probably something tribal done here and there, after childbirth apparently in some cultures. Is there no marketing aspect left uncovered? There’s a treatment for everything. It's all gone service industry. I read of a woman who gives massages after attending only a 1 day course (it was one of those how I changed my life type articles – don’t ask, I occasionally still fall prey to reading mags, especially if given away free at my gym.

I have a better idea. I’m going to set up a booth or not even that, just me and a sign on the floor, saying I’m here to listen and for £5 for five minutes I’ll listen to people’s problems. No advice given, just listening. A pound a minute in my lunchtimes could be quite profitable over a month.
And you don’t need a licence, just a lot of front!

Am serious, there’s a recession, people are upset about stuff. Though maybe not in London yet. Tried to book tickets for Guys and Dolls at Sadlers Wells and it's totally sold out, so are other plays etc. I thought people were economising and ordering pizzas and dvds rather than going out but clearly not.

And I need to raise cash anyway. For example if everyone who reads this blog gave me a pound, that’s £20,000 there.. or make that 50p? are you up for it?

21 April - Advice & The older bird

At friend’s b’day dinner am sat at the end of the table with two of his beloved inner circle from age 4 (or thereabouts friends). Think they’re 37.
We hear an hilarious tale concerning J being set up for a date with a fashion PR and of his misuse of telephones and voicemails redolent of John Favreau in ‘Swingers’. I think it's totally sweet how he's allowing us to poke fun at him. Condiering that in his job he's a master of the universe type guy, this is doubly enjoyable. After which there’s more talk of dating. We hear of J (again) and his pursuit of a classy Nordic bird who won’t sleep with him but leads him on and on and on. I cut the crap by telling him that considering he’s very, very rich, this particular posh totty is playing the classic game of ‘you don’t get anything till you marry me’ type thing. And I advise he should wear the double condom when the time comes to consummate before he finds himself providing credit card for all those beauty treatments she’ll buy with his money. Cynical? Moi? Never.
B, married for ten years to university g/friend of several years, and father of two children, asks the guys ‘But do you really want a relationship or are you happy about having many girlfriends? I ask because I have no understanding of what your life may be like, having been with just my wife’ (I swear to god he blushed as he said it which was immensely likeable).
The boys hum and err and say they’ve not really resolve that one ‘everyone wants to be with somebody type thing’. B says it’s not a question of finding the girl and then deciding but more of being with a girl and the decision finds you. Mmmhhh the 3 of us seem dubious and … jealous.
D mentions he recently brought a male friend, who he thought would be a catch to a party, and all his female friends did not go for him citing ‘He’s too old (41) and set in his ways’. I put my hand up and also volunteered Toph as an example of ‘Too set in his/our ways’. From there I went on to advise dating much older women, well, early forties, if they wanted top unattached s ex and to specifically find out if said women should still be fertile because if they were not and so not looking for unwitting sperm donor, they would have a great… summer.

I get on some kind of hobby horse about the fact that if you get past 40 and have a decent job and no kids to factor into your life, then the need to attach yourself to a man, sort of decreases. You don’t really mind going to other people’s weddings or christenings. You accept there must be a reason you didn’t put yourself in that position and get on with your life. But I could see had gone too far in stripping the bride bare. Women are not supposed to be so… not romantic about s ex. God, I can see I’m unbearable on 3 glasses of red. Preaching and patronising to boot. Thank god B chose this moment to ask A and D about their recent Brokeback mountain style walk in the Peak District. I gleaned that this country is great in terms of landscape but a terrible let down as outside of London ‘There’s no decent food/restaurants’.

In the meantime my beloved is trying to make conversation with another inner circle friend. He works for a top political TV programme so you’d hope he has opinions and anectdotes and stuff but he’s had a bad day and is a bit monosyllabic and prone to make declarations about having been a sex addict and an alcoholic but without going into too many details (he’ s now married happily since a few months back). I can see my man trying his best but I put his mind at rest by saying ‘Look at the amount of wine we’re drinking, M. is probably just staring at the bottle willing himself to stick by the AA rules and not reach for a consolation drink after his bad day'. In other words, it's not you, it's him and shame you're on the other side of the table and I can't rub your back.
Can you believe it? I know everything! How can I possibly cope with not being a Top Dog in some job considering how I have an answer for everything? I am about to hang my head in shame when D. gives me a big hug 'goodbye' and pays me some well chosen compliment. Maybe I was useful after all....

15 February - Valentines & Blunders

Valentine’s massacres, I wonder how many today. Mine was splendid and well worth the anticipation, but I wonder how many casualties. I started a blog once, called The Daily Flirt. In it, I meant to give cheeky advice to men in need. A sort of Debretts for dating and so on, or at least as funny as that letters page/column in the Sunday Times. Of course it fell by the wayside like many of my other half arsed light bulb ideas. But I’ve always thought that if in doubt ABOUT ANYTHING you should ask. Someone, somewhere has the answer you seek. Problems may arise if you don’t have any doubts and therefore don’t ask but…. I always think it’s silly to read in the papers in those days preceding Valentine, all those words of advice but there clearly is a need. Let’s repeat it one more time: if you have a girlfriend, flowers and chocs are the defaults. So is dinner at home or out (personally I don’t do out). You either do it all or say you don’t believe in it and save yourself the hassle and here is why I offer two cautionary tales.

One man bought her 'only' flowes. He had gone to Harvey Nicks and picked up some roses only to be told at the till that that would come to £90. He correctly said 'You must be joking!' and left them. Am not sure what other flowers he picked up and yes, his girlfriend has everything but... for the avoidance of future doubts, flowers, like chocolate, are the default gift - am I repeating myself? - and should not be the only gift as this denotes lack of imagination. So are books actually, fine at other times, not at Valentine unless a first edition of a much sought after tome. This man is currently not busy working (and not income-less) so he had more time than most to scout around for something a bit more meaningful. If you want to play this game, play it well.

Which is what the other man did ... except... He bought expensive food/sushi in a city where it's hard to find. Expensive champagne and wine. Flowers ... and an ipod. Understandably he threw a chair at the wall when his girlfriend said, at the end of the meal 'So, darling, where did you hid my shinly little rock?' He felt he had done enough but... he didn't consider the following: he's a foodie and his girlfriend knows that the feast was for himself as much as for her and that the fact he'd spent so much on it was irrelevant when he failed to get her what she's been asking for and not got in three years ie. a shiny token of affection. A tiny sparkler, that's what she wanted, not an ipod which incidentally is the same thing she got him for Christmas. For this girl, a daisy and a pizza would have been enough in terms of default gift and the rest better invested at the jewellery shop.

I am not telling you here what these women bougth for their men. For once am not interested in a balanced view, just want to remind men that it's a minefield out there as these two are hardly oiks who don't know what to do but you can still get it wrong. A quick call to the Daily Flirt in person would have saved lots of tears and recriminations.
TBC sorry am busy but will continue at some point. TBC