12 June - Bush & Bikinis

Am soon going on holiday again, this time to the seaside in the chic Amalfi coast. I’ll be always closely accompanied by the 27 year old g/friend of friend in whose apartment we’re staying. The girl is statuesque, well boobs endowed, has fantastic shiny black hair and though she’s not quite a Monica Bellucci, she’s top totty. Men turn and stare when she’s fully clothed so I can only imagine blokes tripping over their ice-creams on the beach. So you can see my predicament. So, much against my usual behaviour, I’ve decided to go hell for leather in reducing the gap between the dark Jessica Rabbit and me. And don't you mention age and firmness to me.

So it’s the linseed and the vinegar in warm water (colon cleansing), the pink grapefruit before a meal and the dandelion tea afterwards as it's meant to pack a punch in speeding up the metabolism, plus the use of top Italian anti cellulite cream, the two sessions of Powerplate per week, plus one of Bootcamp pilates, plus ad hoc a step class, a spin class and a jog and rowing session and the usual sex and watching what I eat in general – there is no la bouffee’ de croissants chez Lisa and the alcohol intake is not much.

Ok this hardcore regime has not been going for very long but still I see no visible improvement. What is this imperviousness to my efforts? What is wrong with my metabolism? Then again look at Madonna, it takes 4 hours a day everyday to look like her (actually I wouldn’t want her face too much, but the bod is ok, though a bit too pale) and look at me... It’s not that much different. Ok, uh, not if you consider her 28 hours a week (and a slice of toast and jam once a year when she's feeling naughty) and my 5 hours a week (yes I take some days off). So really, I’m just going to have to never walk side by side with JR, and wear vertiginous heels on the beach (if JLo can do it, so can I) and make good use of the cute, short sarongs. After all, you’re only old once. And my stomach is flatter than hers, it's just the legs, the horror, the legs.

The sarong may be extra useful also because the B/F appreciate the bush which am growing just for him. It’s a relief to save the £45 regular waxing budget but I don’t much like the brillo pad appearance. Yes I do know about using conditioner, same as you do for your hair but…it’s not working that well, nor is the oil. Ageing bush hair not being the same as young silky bush hair, am now opening the forum to readers’ suggestions as to what product to use or alternatively, confirmation that blokes don’t notice. It’s not like Toph said anything regarding softness. Yet he’s not adverse to a bit of preening himself if forced. He lets me cut short is underarm hair, as boys get older too and sprout more hair. Whilst I was at it I also shaved off stray ones from his back and sorted out the chest area too. Whilst kissing him of course, an’t keep away from him. He also abhors nose hair (we always wonder when we see blokes who have mothers or girlfriends, why said females are not bothered by this) and though he stops me at the cojones, I usually manage to sort that area out as well. We’re happy monkeys!

But it’s all very well at home, but what will happen when am in bikinis? Will someone else see it and think ‘gross?’ I remember nearly throwing up once sat downhill at a picnic in Primrose Hill from the g/friend of a then famous director. His movie perhaps had not come out quite yet, but the g/friend definitely had the Full Monty that Summer. There was so much dark hair sprouting around her knickers and well, I’d never seen anything like it outside of Spanish porn films. Now that I think about it Brazilians and the like were yet all the rage that year, but surely myself and my girlfriends were a bit more trimmed?