1 April - Maintenance & Bodies

Whilst am not advocating plastic surgery and I think this country's media constantly peddles dangerous aspirational surgery that's clearly costly and damaging in the long run, I have no objections to routine maitenance and a round up of (admitted) non-necessary procedures amongst my friends has this tally:

P: facelift, nose, lips. All this done before she was over 40ish and very happy with it all
C: nose - at 40, should have done earlier, ecstatic about reducing it, it was never small
R: eyelids at 55, has knocked ten years off her, and sprung her into WeightWatchers and has lost over a stone as well, looking good indeed
D: tummy tuck in her 30's and due to 3 pregnancies so saggy. Worked then, now effects have gone, but 15 years later what do you expect
D: tummy lipo at 40 something, very happy about it
R: breast implants at 23 but was unproportioned small chest on tall, buxom girl. Very happy about it
Z: breast implants at 30. Not necessary in my view but she loves her new huge knockers. So do all of her male co-workers
I: derma fillers to face in early 40s. Don't see her any more so no idea if they held or has repeated.

Of course there are more but not admitted. For example I suspect S. of a bit of everything since she's over 50 and you can give her 5/8 years less but any enquiry in that direction is fobbed off on spa treatments. Spa my arse I say... For all I know there are hair extensions galore and are those different from cosmetic enhancement? and I would definitely recommend a few more friends and foes to have their teeth fixed but, that's one of the ugly processes, extra painful and at times wildly more expensive than just a lipo or botox for ten years.

So with all this in mind, and bearing in mind nobody in my small sample has had bad experiences in their repspective clinics, I'm happy to book the one thing I'd wanted done forever and a day, removal of saddlebags. I toyed for years arguing that for the amount of money spent I could have gone to Brazil, Jamaica, Thailand, Bali and so on, on a wonderful holiday but if on said holiday and resulting photos I see my thighs and sigh everytime that they don't belong to the same body of general slimness, then it's worth doing. The only thing to consider now is skin elasticity not being what it was, will the area vacated of fat be sticking back to underlying muscle or hang a bit lose which frankly would be worse than living with the bags... Mmmhh. Not sure the doctor can really assess this and am sure will have to sign whatever consent form and worry about the results later. And of course doing the thighs only, would that not then show up the really already sagging knees more? Again, there are no easy answers so, to hell with it. Am booking it. On another note, it's just as well I held back so far on macrolane injections to boost saggy breasts as they seem to be undergoing a full renaissance no doubt due to hormonal ageing changes. So money saved there.

12 February - Treatments & 1 in 5

Am having a particularly dull period where, uncharacteristically pour moi, I feel ugly, oh and old. Just to give you an exmample I have changed location of work thus necessitating a new pass/photo to access the building. I have a temporary one and have to exchange it for a real one with photo. Well, a few days have gone past and am still going without as every day I plan to sort myself out for said portrait and everyday I reach the conclusion that am ugly. Clearly this is an overall depressive trend that had never plagued me before.

Only a few weeks ago I was looking at those ads with Ruby Wax or Stephen Fry telling you that 1 in 4 people has dandruff and 1 in 5 people has mental problems (or the other way round) and therefore encouraging you to be more understanding. Well, I certainly thought that enough people around me have the so called mental problems, there's enough bankers I know and their mental problems in fucking it all up for the rest have been detailed enought, but I certainly didn't know I had any until now and negative self image all of a sudden has to be a warning light.

So, since a g/friend has had very good results with laserlipo with aspiration on her stomach, and since the bf is away for long enough not to have to witness the Bridget Jones girdles one has to wear post deliberate trauma to body or see the extensive bruising that will accompany said procedure, what better than to surf the net for info and price comparisons. G/friend had hers done in Kensington, I found one in Harpenden considerably cheaper and pretty snazzy credentials for the surgeon/doctor so why not. My plan in these shifting times of downturn and barter is to ask Kensington practice to match the out of London price or else I take my business elsewhere. I'll keep you posted as I think that particular borough is still very in denial so I may well have to take the train north of Luton.

26 September - Anorexic & Fashion

Did you see the stuff in the Standard re that Italian company’s posters during Milan’s fashion week? No-anorexia (No.Li.ta)? That’s my mate…. Working for them in Northern Italy and having to shape up her arguments for the press interviews she’s being asked to do etc. I think it’s another no news story, I know some people die of anorexia but it’s hardly cancer from smoking or heart disease is it? And more people die because of what being obese brings on later on in life and nobody sticks huge obese people on posters because the outcry would be too much. Human rights would be invoked and so on. And I’m afraid for once I side with Mr Armani and Messrs Dolce & Gabbana who comment that it’s a psychological disorder that some young girls (and boys) have irrespective of what’s in magazines. It’s like the do violent films inspire violent acts debate, yes in some people, but the majority don’t go out to kill/maim/rape. Why would boys get anorexia when the models to aspire to in magazines are fit and have six packs? There’s no concentration camp chic being peddled in male modelling so explain that one.

I have a close relative who suffered from anorexia from age 15 onward. It categorically had nothing to do with models and magazines and all to do with an almighty dysfunctional relationship with her mother and sister and a desire to control something which only gave her her body as a ‘victim’ she could bend to her will. Sure model agencies tell you to be skinny for shows but I see mostly fat teenagers around on the streets and not that many painfully skinny ones. I have worked in so many places and met/known so many women and their daughters and my mind can’t conjure up any anorexic one apart from my relative. That’s not necessarily a scientific sample I’m offering as I’ve also never known any woman with breast cancer (yet) and statistic say it’s one in however many and I do know however many and more so…

Don’t know what to say. But the model in the Oliviero Toscani poster would be the first one to say she wasn’t starving herself to be picked for a fashion show but because of some other psychic problem. She’s 27 and says she’s been anorexic since age 12 Er… don’t think you’re able to tell you want to be skinny to wear the pretty clothes at that age. She talks about deep family problems she was facing, though doesn’t articulate them, but I can’t yet find her blog so I don’t know any more than that for now.

But it all led to an interesting conversation with my friend in fashion. I told her you better sort out your sizes before you enter this debate fully because your brands don’t offer any clothes above a size 12 and in reality your 12 is a size 10 and so most of my friends can’t get one leg inside the waist of your trousers. She explained that the mannequin that’s used for pinning new styles on is indeed a regular size 8 for example, but by the time the items have been pinned and tucked and pulled this way and that by the designer and get sent for manufacture they have most of the times lost centimetres here and there and so that size 8 on the label is actually a smaller one in reality. This seems to be what top designers do because the reverse is true (in my experience) with cheap clothes and by cheap clothes I’ll gladly include M&S and anything found on the high streets of north London for example. I bought a pair of size 10 office like black trousers and not only are they long in the leg, they are v. roomy on the waist and fall off me even on the ass – which as I have detailed is more Sadie Frost than Sienna Miller and yet there shouldn’t be such a huge difference between a size 8 and a 10. So my theory is that these trousers are in fact almost a 12 and the manufacturer makes the fatter woman feel good by telling you you’re a 10, but when you save up and go to D&G you come crushing down to earth as you won’t fit into their 10. Ever. Their 10 is an 8, their 8 is a 6, their 6 is a 4 and so on.

My fashion friend also offers another explanation that’s to do with body type and not necessarily body fat. She says she has constant arguments with her MD’s because her efforts to break into the north American market are thwarted by the sizes they offer to them. North American gals (and Anglo-saxons in general) are bigger boned than some of their continental European counterparts. They have broader shoulders and backs for example and sizing and just giving them a bigger size is not the solution, it has to be cut different altogether and her bosses just won’t do it so they watch stuff going into Barneys and being returned. Conversely they sell stratospherically well in Japan and I’d say Thailand and similar places where the shapes are leaner. So there you have it. M&S are not lying to me! In fact they do make their petite range for the likes of a continental shaped small woman and their regular lines are for taller, bigger boned girls. Whilst of course D&G being hugely gay (and so are many of the high end fashion designers out there) start off with a mannequin of a woman but they really want to put those nice dresses on a MAN, so they slice off your ass and your chest and give you the smallest boy waist imaginable. If you mess up by buying yourself huge spherical fake tits like Vicky Beckham then you have to wear their jackets just buttoned up with the one button on the waist and everything else hangs out but your shoulders are tiny. You don’t often see female tennis players tucked into a D&G jacket do you? They need whoever designes for the SAS! You can fit any 18 year old BOY into a D&G size 8….

And to go back to anorexia gay Mr Armani and gay Messrs D&G have no idea of what body image hell women go through, though as I said, am with them on the it’s not fashion that makes you starve yourself and even peer pressure is bollox. I never became a pot head despite being surrounded by many… or a coke user later on, despite having it for free if I wanted.

There you go. Is this common knowledge /reasoning or have I discovered sliced bread or am I a fashion writing genius? As for the should we use this model on our posters issue it’s a no brainer. Had you ever heard of No.Li.ta before yesterday? I’d say no, they could afford a few poster sites in Milan but not the world over and now the story of that poster is travelling and being picked up by all media everywhere and hey presto. Not that Oliviero Toscani would admit to it but his desire to highlight some social issues seems to always be done not as an artist/campaigner but as a photographer paid for by a company with products to sell, same as he did with all his Benetton posters for years.

ps just a thought. Why can we not have a better breakdown of sizes/labels? ie. Size 8 for tall and narrow Scandinavians, size 8 waist but with room for huge fake tits at the top, size 8 for Minnesota milk maids (doesn't exist, go back to rack with size 14) and so on?

30 August - Coffee & well, none really

For those who care about this things, and now I know there’s at least one of you who may be on a detox these days, (hi I.!) I have not felt like having a coffee for ages. I mean, I have drunk the occasional black decaff and it tasted so foul, that after 3 or 4 sips have left it. Only sugar or milk could have improved it and clearly have not added that. So there you go, proof that you lose the craving for it if you allow yourself a little time to stick to the new routine. A bit like when you first got used to soya milk, bleurgh! (is this English or have I picked it up from the French or Italianos?). Have not been so good on the other stuff, it’ s really not my idea of a good night constantly saying no to a vodka and tonic or of a good morning start to juice all the time, though eating protein first thing is fine, give me fish, cheese or eggs and I truly don’t have that mental programming that says those are not breakfast foods, it’s just cultural conditioning.

But then I read this frightening article in Vogue where this goody goody American high flyer who frankly did not look very good for her efforts, swapped shopping trolley and food with a not stick thin Brit married to a chef and a meat eater and so on for a week or two. Just reading the military style operations of American with her Fresh and Wild (RIP) obsession made me see that going that way is just no fun for… forever…..! With some relief I realised I don’t even know what corresponds to some of the products' names she mentions (can it be food if I’ve never heard of it?) and so am far from ‘gone’ down the healthy nut route. I do believe you live longer if you go Gandhi way but are you happy??? I still say no to meat but hey, one day am not discounting a return to bacon and corresponding packet of salt therein contained.

19 August - Girl's Guide - random episodes

Darn, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is in the Sunday Times punting her book of advice to naughty ladies. Damn it. I dole out the same stuff but couldn’t ever get a book deal for it as nobody would buy the advice of a nobody (well, we all know I’m a legend in my own little world but in terms of notoriety I’m not deluded). And yet for example some of her suggestions are part of my philosophy and those about holiday snaps are my credo exactly. I don’t accessorise with fatter friends to make me look better but I have used other bodies to shield me. I don’t hide behind deckchairs if someone brandishes a camera, but I certainly quickly grab the scarf or whatever it is that gets artfully draped around me and I do the three quarters turn a’ la red carpet. I forbid photos at the beginning of a holiday (beach ones) until one has acquired a little bit of colour, shed the fluid retention and a bit of flab and become more attractive. I’ve even converted Toph to this protocol by taking some unflattering pics. of him in red Speedos (yes I do allow them) at the start of Indian holiday where one notices the love handles, hint of man-boobs and assorted stomach flab (little but it was there) and compared these to pictures of tanned yoga god a the end.
I forbid pictures in harsh morning/lunch light and prefer afternoon softer hues. I believe in heels even if photo is from waist up as it gives you a better posture, in this, sadly I am with Vicky Beckham and Jlo, even Uma Thurman’s ankles look weird if she’s photographed walking barefoot on the sand so what hope for me? Hats are great accessories (and I don’t mean baseball caps) and you should always have lashes coated to look natural and always, always wear some kind of lip colour or gloss which catches the light. Makes all the difference and I’d go further to say white pencil for inside bottom eye lid and top of your lips. This year I lost my concealer and stupidly didn’t replace it on the beach so now all my summer photos display the pesky sun ‘stain’ on my cheek that I’ve yet to manage to remove. Bugger. And bugger T P-T, that’s my book you bitch.

18 August - Tits

Oh dear…. I had not bargained for this, for essentially being a woman and always finding fault with bodies with which as we all know, we have a very complex relationship. So there I was ecstatic about the svelte Lisa in slinky Rifat Ozbek pants from ten years ago, shaking it on the dance floor and having assorted friends admire the 2-pack stomach (well I don’t want to work as hard as a bloke do I?) when no amount of looking at them from whichever angle could disguise the fact that the bras look a bit forlorn now that the detox and exercise has removed the only beloved fat I have ie. on my TITS.

I mean, they are ok but they’re aging and seeing them some inches down from where they stood in their glory has already upset me enough since I crossed this current decade and having less of them is… just not on. I shall have to eat lots, more than before in fact to replenish the bosoms’ shelf or very soon I won’t tolerate being anywhere where they are on display on young bodies. I had dinner with a 17 year old the other day who told me (as noticed me staring at her boobs trapped in tiny vest) that ‘My boobs keep growing, I don’t know why.. I’m a F now’. I could have hit her. It was bad enough the other night watching this Spanish film from a few years ago, “Sex and Lucia” (a total mis-title if I ever came across one, yes there was sex but not that much and the film was about so much else). Two of the three female leads where ultra attractive and in their mid-twenties and every time they removed their clothes - and they were naked a lot on various desert beaches etc. - I could only but stare at their tits: perfectly round, and solid and whiter than the rest of their bodies, and sitting high on their chests... and just gorgeous. Like mine used to be. Oh ok, I probably back then wanted a different nipple, more permanently erect would have been good, but for example size of aerola was fine by me, oh, now I think about it I also wanted them to be closer together, to have more natural cleavage but .. there were always bras for that, nice 32C bras which now seem to have the top half empty of flesh. How do you stop mourning about your lost super tits? I mean, the BF likes what I have, they're a major improvement on tiny size of his ex’s, so he's well happy, can't fall asleep if has not had a feel, but… he’s never met my 26 year old breasts! He'd have loved those. I have only a few years left before I’ll have to start having sex keeping my bra on, even when I’m lying down. What a ' orrid prospect.

Ok, I was never someone who had to complain that men stare down at my front (they’re within the norm and I didn’t flash them around like that) but I admired them every day. We can all fiddle with bras and stuffing but I don’t care how tey look under clothes, gosh I could wear a Dolly Parton bra if that was the case. No, I’m not into deceiving anyone else, it’s just me and the mirror or me and my hands on them when I fall asleep. These past few weeks I’ve cupped them a lot, wonder if anyone’s noticed at work for example. Probably just regularly to check they’re not diminished further. The Brazilians know about all this. There, their very famous plastic surgeon Ivo Pitanguy, does pro-bono work for a few hundred dollars instead of thousands because he believes it’s every woman’s right to have beautiful and FIRM tits. Maybe there’s small consolation in the fact that I’m not dating a tits obsessed Brazilian or I’d be ordered to have the boob job or else. But surgery is out of the question for me, I don’t want to feel anything alien under the skin, but it’s a sad truth that you cannot have a 26” waist and huge tits naturally (a D cup would make me very happy to be honest, C was never enough) or some people do but very few. Latino girls seem to have the proportions right.. when they’re young. You want D? Then the rest of you looks like Martine McCutcheon. You look like Gwyneth? Then you have to go to the surgeon.

This is not fair and is an especially boring as has replaced worry about thighs and even saggy knees. Considering this level of preoccupation it’s a given that I’ll get breast cancer and they’ll both have to be removed and I’ll just not allow it and will die instead.

8 August - Biscuit & Die

‘s been a long time but I ate a biscuit today. After 2 weeks more or less w/o sugar (ok some square of dark chocolate, doesn’t count), it did taste very odd. Didn’t like it or felt I wanted another one. Maybe it was because it’s been in my drawer for er.. a while? However, much has to be said for cutting everything out but the healthy stuff. If I don’t watch it, am now on my way to do a Rachel Zoe or a Nicole Ritchie. Put on a pair of trousers today and had to go and look for a belt. I don’t do belts much, but they were falling off. And the persistent pound or two of cellulite I’ve been carrying forever on little saddle bags has almost disappeared. Blimey, should have tried to hit it this way a long time ago. So much time wasted in considering whether to have lipo or not. But too many bad stories heard, including friend’s sister who was left with damage to a muscle which constantly feels like it’s pulled. Not a good sensation to have day in day out. Oh and her first tit job, they put one implant in upside down. Unlucky or what? And was not back street cheapo job either. Thank god I never spent the thousands – always imagining I’d need Ivo Pitanguy to do me, and what with the trip to Brazil etc, I just haven’t come round to it. The thousands are better used surely going to Thailand once a year and repeating this kind of home made detox over there.

1 July - We reach the Beach

A body fascist post. Beware and don't read if my fattism offends you. More to be posted on this but the first shocking revelation is that Italians are as fat as the Brits. The kids are all little buddhas complete with man boobs. And that's the 9 to 13 age boys! What happened. Did some foreign stick like Audrey Hepburn invent Capri pants in the 50's/60's and not some bonafide size 6 Capri natives? I know they eat pasta and pizza lunch and dinner, but in Milan they don't look like this. Is Milan like NYC or LA ie an island that attracts the fit and healthy and the rest of the country is slob city? I should not have worried, am positively slinky here, the mothers are a cellulite nightmare and the fathers are browner than the Brits but that's all they have going.

I know it's early July and this is the time for families to go on holiday but this is clearly a huge disappointment. Man totty practically zero, no footballer-like washboards stomachs, though i see longish hair on blokes all aroudn me. Toph and J have no desire to leave their deckchairs to go prowling on the beach. The only girls they could fancy here are 13 year olds (the boobs are huge but the waists have not expanded yet) and they're not keen to reveal a leery side of themselves and just commiserate with me. However, all this does is allow me to go for icecream without guilt, as it would take me a month to expand to the dimensions on show here. I think my friend who owns top fashion company in the land, clearly can't be doing roaring business in the South. And she'd already complained they couldn't sell any clothes in Canada as their sizes are too large for their items.

12 June - Bush & Bikinis

Am soon going on holiday again, this time to the seaside in the chic Amalfi coast. I’ll be always closely accompanied by the 27 year old g/friend of friend in whose apartment we’re staying. The girl is statuesque, well boobs endowed, has fantastic shiny black hair and though she’s not quite a Monica Bellucci, she’s top totty. Men turn and stare when she’s fully clothed so I can only imagine blokes tripping over their ice-creams on the beach. So you can see my predicament. So, much against my usual behaviour, I’ve decided to go hell for leather in reducing the gap between the dark Jessica Rabbit and me. And don't you mention age and firmness to me.

So it’s the linseed and the vinegar in warm water (colon cleansing), the pink grapefruit before a meal and the dandelion tea afterwards as it's meant to pack a punch in speeding up the metabolism, plus the use of top Italian anti cellulite cream, the two sessions of Powerplate per week, plus one of Bootcamp pilates, plus ad hoc a step class, a spin class and a jog and rowing session and the usual sex and watching what I eat in general – there is no la bouffee’ de croissants chez Lisa and the alcohol intake is not much.

Ok this hardcore regime has not been going for very long but still I see no visible improvement. What is this imperviousness to my efforts? What is wrong with my metabolism? Then again look at Madonna, it takes 4 hours a day everyday to look like her (actually I wouldn’t want her face too much, but the bod is ok, though a bit too pale) and look at me... It’s not that much different. Ok, uh, not if you consider her 28 hours a week (and a slice of toast and jam once a year when she's feeling naughty) and my 5 hours a week (yes I take some days off). So really, I’m just going to have to never walk side by side with JR, and wear vertiginous heels on the beach (if JLo can do it, so can I) and make good use of the cute, short sarongs. After all, you’re only old once. And my stomach is flatter than hers, it's just the legs, the horror, the legs.

The sarong may be extra useful also because the B/F appreciate the bush which am growing just for him. It’s a relief to save the £45 regular waxing budget but I don’t much like the brillo pad appearance. Yes I do know about using conditioner, same as you do for your hair but…it’s not working that well, nor is the oil. Ageing bush hair not being the same as young silky bush hair, am now opening the forum to readers’ suggestions as to what product to use or alternatively, confirmation that blokes don’t notice. It’s not like Toph said anything regarding softness. Yet he’s not adverse to a bit of preening himself if forced. He lets me cut short is underarm hair, as boys get older too and sprout more hair. Whilst I was at it I also shaved off stray ones from his back and sorted out the chest area too. Whilst kissing him of course, an’t keep away from him. He also abhors nose hair (we always wonder when we see blokes who have mothers or girlfriends, why said females are not bothered by this) and though he stops me at the cojones, I usually manage to sort that area out as well. We’re happy monkeys!

But it’s all very well at home, but what will happen when am in bikinis? Will someone else see it and think ‘gross?’ I remember nearly throwing up once sat downhill at a picnic in Primrose Hill from the g/friend of a then famous director. His movie perhaps had not come out quite yet, but the g/friend definitely had the Full Monty that Summer. There was so much dark hair sprouting around her knickers and well, I’d never seen anything like it outside of Spanish porn films. Now that I think about it Brazilians and the like were yet all the rage that year, but surely myself and my girlfriends were a bit more trimmed?

13 April - Camden & 50's

We’re in a pub in Camden to meet with some old friends who’ve just emigrated to Portugal and are having one group goodbye. It’s a pub I know I went to a couple of decades ago and its’ since been enlarged and refitted, in fact it’s so huge with the extensive outdoor area as to resemble an adventure playground and has a different feel according to the area you choose to occupy. But what’s extraordinary is the amount of kids in it, very distinctively Camden rather than west London ones. The friends I’m with are 50+ and visibly so, people from a distant Adam & the Ants period, before he was Adam in fact. The combined weight of their gut is sizeable. Actually one or two are trim, but on the whole the dated haircuts and clothes make them look like the old bunch they are. They used to come here in their school days and am sure played snooker (table no longer exist) and did not pay £8 for a burger or indeed if wine was sold here then.

I warn Toph about the perils of 3 pints a night for most nights of the week but there’s no need to do so. He hates guts as much as I do and in fact is very uncharitable about a 30 something friend of the 50 year olds. He thinks she looks like a troll. I feel better now that I know my boy will not be the one to accuse me of being a body fascist. At least my old friends here have up to the minute spec frames. I especially hate it when people don’t update their glasses. I know it’s expensive but they sit on your face, so please change them? And do sort out your teeth? I know even Jeremy Irons clings on to his greeny/grey ones, but … why???? No one said you have to go Tom Cruise’s dazzling shade of white but, just make them look clean?