25 July - Another problem I don't have

I thought I’d use wisely the time to myself provided by Toph’s absence and so it was out with the wine, out with the sugar, out with the bread, out with the dairy, out with the caffeine. And in with the 3 day detox beverage which somehow has extended to 4 days and could go on for longer as you get sort of addicted to your goody-goodyness. It’s all ok, it just gives you this knot of anxiety in your throat/neck/solar plexus/stomach. Well the stomach is clearly wondering where those nice sugary bits that it usually gets fed are, oh and some of that salt too and that little bit of lovely wine. The stomach has too much time to idle when it’s just digesting fruit, veg and some grilled/raw fish for protein.

I only had a smidgen of a headache on first day, as I don’t have that much to detox from to be honest, but the knot is persistent. If I were into analysis I’d say it’s probably telling me there’s something else apart from food to process and the entry from a couple of days ago is explanatory enough. However, I ring D. to ask how the ‘Save our marriage/let’s hope we can agree to go forward’ holiday with kids and estranged (verging on the autistic) husband in Norway went. I’m greeted with ‘I’m a bit busy right now, with all this stuff to pack’. ‘Where are you going? Back to Poland?’ (where she hails from and has a couple of flats - as mooted before if things didn’t work out). She says yes, on Saturday, it’s final, she’s off, goodbye West Hampstead and the schools for the kids had already been looked at/booked in Krakow.

We make a hasty arrangement to meet tomorow for a goodbye drink with other girlfriends and save the talk for then. I put the phone down and burst into tears. Shall I blame it on the detox? I can’t believe I’m losing her. I love her. And I know it’s only Europe but….. Last night I was out with a mutual male friend who said a propos this husband who’s about to have to plan the next few years round the times he can see his kids ‘He’s a fool to choose work over family’. But is he? There’s a dream he’s been chasing for a while, come very close to and he could almost grab it now. Something of his will either be very successful come September (depends whether you believe a certain Canadian singer who kissed Carrie in SATC is due for a return to #1's) or not. But what a shame to spend it on alimony.

This time there’s the added factor X in the shape of 20 years younger collaborator. He’s smitten with her, because she looks up to him with admiration and veneration (in fact I could cynically say because she needs him for her fledgling career). But he can’t see that, he just sees someone who makes him feel centre of the universe, doesn't laugh at the hair dye (he's 47 and yes, I laughed and his wife cried when she found how much he's now spending at the beauty salon!) and doesn’t ask him for any boring stuff to do with the kids, the house, the bills etc. and just leaves him alone to 'create'. Same old story really.