4 June - Kids & Parents

Back for a visit in the hometown. This entails a Saturday night dinner with the friends I grew up with. Some are my original friends, the others are the partners they acquired, often after I'd left home to go study/work, but in most cases back when they were teenagers (you know, small towns breed those kinds of relationships) only we probably never went out together as a group this much.

Over the years they've instituted a sort of tradition whereby, besides meeting regularly here and there, they go out for dinner at the weekend. This is usually at a great restaurant on the edge of town, owned by the cousin of one and the brother in law of another so it's extended family anyway. The tradition further states that they're in a separate room when possible so as to talk louder, be more free to deal with the kids and also that the adults sit at one table and their children at another (obviously not when they were infants and would be on parents laps). This was further subdivided with men at one end and women at other end of table. It's still possible to converse across the divide, as the group would be 5/6 couples at the most. It's kind of a good way when you think about it as you never have to worry about your partner being deep in conversation with one of your friends and giving rise to unncessary jealousy. And the kids only bothering you for requests (have finished, can I go out and play?) meant that you can have some adult conversations. These restaurants are always on the edge of town and kids can play outside in courtyards etc. plus there's always a smoker or two to keep an eye on them. The system also works well when a husband or a wife is away on business and the alone partner can still avail themselves of the group/ease the tension of minding the kids.
The tradition further dictates that the wife alone, gets her dinner paid for by the group. Over the years I've attended with boyfriends and also solo, in which case i was the guest. ahhh.

This is not for everyone though. I introduced a good friend to the group and she married one of them, but coming from the city, she found the sex divide very annoying and not a bit macho. She wanted to talk to the boys too, not be relegated to the women. I had to explain that there was freedom in the separation, a bit like when you were in same sex school and did much better as a result. Plus 50% of the guys conversation is about football/sports and you can live without that.

However, the women only exchange real personal info away from this table, there are friendships within friendships and no one wants to air dirty linen in this public as it's still a small town and they're all business owners (sometimes in same field cometitive environment) and some gossip would be detrimental to business, but there's support in the opinions expressed and examples given. And all are equal despite being rich and... very rich. If you exclude me, but as the one who lives far away, I'm excused as having chosen city/fun over personal wealth improvement.

These as I've said, I’ve known all my life. The change this time is that none of their kids are at dinner. Finally after all these years, they’ve flown the coop. They're 16 downwards, and the youngest is 8 or 9 and at granny for the evening.
My visit coincides with schools' out for the year and the kids are out thronging the pizzerias to celebrate and/or at other kids' parties. The mothers express good feelings vis a vis now being back to the adults except for my local best friend. A woman obsessed by her kids and who in answer to the 'how are you?' question has always steered the conversation to her daughers. She would like her two (16 and nearly 13) to stay kids as long as possible. I have no idea how she's going to cope when the youngest will also get a boyfriend and starts hanging out elsewhere. I predict bad adjustment as she has no major interests outside the family.

This is in contrast to her husband who has always travelled far afield for work and who's busy telling Toph of his preoccupations with age. He looks good A. mainly because he's as thin as a rake and runs a lot so he's fit. I think he tries too hard but the contrast with the non runners at the table is vast. They're bursting out of their shirts and not turning 50 very well. But he tells Toph that earlier in the evening, 16 year old daugher's 17 year old boyfriend came to collect her and that he, father, had on exaclty the same clothes as teenage boyfriend and surely it's time to look one's age but he's not ready. He likes his Brad Pitt style outide the office. I am positioned on the edge of the male side of the table so I can eavesdrop more. He moves on to feeling a little dejected that now it's dawned on him that he would not be getting a shag from a 25 year old if he tried, or maybe he'd just get one out of pity/sympathy. I'm about to interrupt and say he'd get one out of cash as he's loaded but I stop just in time as his wife is opposite me and there's no reason to offend her.

I personally think it's rude on his part to discuss these kind of things however implausible or hypotetical, when your wife is in earshot. But I also think that I've more in common with his attitude to life than hers, as she plans one last holiday with her daughers alone (no dad) on some seychelles style island. I mean, that's her fantasy, there's nothing to do for a teenager in such a place.