9 January - Ennui

Am a philosopher. Check this out, came to me today ha ha ha. So the thing is that if you have a thing that doesn't work you think if you fix it everything will be fine and converely all is shit till you sort that out. But what if in reply to a friend who asks how's things in your world, you say: job safe, money in the bank, house ok, boyf loving and supportive, family near and far all healthy bar one aunt with cancer but c'est la vie, shit happens at 75plus, and .. is that all there is?

So the fact that you're not 'happy happy' means what? that we always need some drama or adventure as a distraction? where to go, what to do, what to fuck up? Is our natural default mode if we have food on the table, roof over head and love one of, you know... ennui?


I feel no immediate compulsion to go fuck anything up in my life, am sure soon enough it will happen without my initiating it, so I probably have to live off other people' dramas. Like hearing that in the home of my friend who shares it harmoniously with ex husband and his shipped over thai g/friend who now expects a baby, the following happened. Other girlfriend, the one who didn't know till last year that Thai one existed of was indeed such a close threat, goes into the house to put the stage costumes in the washing machine (me, I'd leave it to him to do this task). Sorry you don't know that they are in the same 'act' still. I mean, it's not like one would be walking away from millions with Eurythmics so why she stays in the act after all this humiliatin i don't know but people are very co-dependant. So, she rings ahead to say she'll be doing this and can thai girl pls stick to own quarters so as not to meet. However for some reason thai girl shows up in the kitchen, the other one goes into fury and attacks, thai girl goes pick up a knife and He, Mr Big in this, luckily is on hand to step in and separate. A drama I don't have.

Or I can read those terrible stories in the Saturday Guardian personal story section story like my husband left me for my daughter (his stepdaughter actually, but known her since was 12) and next time I meet them is when my other daughter gives birth and in walk ex husband and my stepdaugher because she's also about to have a baby. A drama I don't have.

Or I can read the one about Vanessa Bell's daughter (niece of Vrginia Wolfe) who married the much older guy who had been her fathers' lover and had also been rejecte by her mother. And nobody had actually bothered to spell it out to her. Blimey! A drama I don't have.

But rather than dwell on dramas, I could arrange to spice up my life in a healthy way. I should go heli-sking in Manali like some rich man I know is about to. Just looked it up on website. sounds /is amazing. What could possibly go wrong there. Apart from avalanches for which he is totally and fully equipped, he probably has one of those impact bags that I saw in a James Bond movie and turns into a balloon and you stay inside with air to breathe and roll on till you stop/they find you. James was in his with a lady of course.

I hope you appreaciate that on top of being a philosopher I also have such an imagination as to never really be alone whilst my mind roams around like this. I know, I know, you are spotting that I'm lacking a mission in life.