22 August - Tartan & Old kilts

Well, of course it couldn't be just the leopard prints that get dredged up again. Not having any new fashion ideas means you can rely on that other old faithful: tartan. Now, I know that Vivienne Weswood uses it ever year, but she's allowed, she's made it her own and I forgive her. As for finding any tartan in my old wardrobe, it's difficult. Once you're not a slip of a girl or an old dame like VW then you better leave it alone. I do however have a tiny red kilt which can never be worn outside on accounts of its indecency, mutton dressed as lamb connotations, but... it was passed down to me by a friend who was taking some photos one day and who I shall forever be grateful to for telling me this very useful piece of advice 'You wanna pull? Don't go out in trousers!' 'But what if my legs are not the greatest?' I said and he replied 'Men don't see shapes, they see legs and above legs there is ass'. 'Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, thank you'.
So, he seemed very positive about the powers of the tiny red kilt and shortly after I wore it in the flat (basically only had time to step into where S. was sitting) and S could have practically come just watching me walk towards him. So now it's my lucky skirt you see? And I bought some other tiny tartan skirt in blue, but red is best. More traditional. Once I brought it to his house and said it wasn't fair that he never wore a skirt and lo and behold he went scavenging in his wardrobe and produced a manly kilt he'd worn at a friend's wedding, and boy did I enjoy giving him a few whacks on his derriere. The moment he was in a skirt he was no longer my big SAS soldier but... my bitch basically. One day he'll open that little purse they wear at the front (sorry what's it called?) and find a note from two years back... I also remember I had borrowed some poptastic red vinyl buckled platforms boots by Pam Hogg but they did nothing for S. Only the skirt. I know some women are awkward with skirts, but trust me and make it short, even if you have Cherie Blair legs. It works.