20 November - Cupid, knows nothing

So remember I was trying to get tall and handsome not quite forty or just forty docu direcor MA. together with thirtysomething successfull writer M. but they didn't really take to each otehr? Ok, so I thought he would still be good for other women I know only ... my lovely friend L. said she had a few as well, and to get him down to the pub quiz in west london where she'd bring her friend H. also a writer but not published yet, although she suspected H. was having a scene with handsome grey haired posh and very literary TB who is however, poor (as evidenced by the fact he wears stylish dandysh suits and other but they could seriously do with a dry clean and I know all about holdihng back on drycleaing bills and in fact am about to try the revuolutionary new sachets of chemicals that you can put in your tumbledrier together with item of clothing in a supplied plastic sealed bag and voila' for 80p or so you home dry clean a few itmes). Yes, there is a good 20% of boring and thrifty housewife in my psyche. I never did coupons or sainsbury or boots cards to save points but I'll use cheap and wonderful white vinegar to clean everything for example, instead of stupid array of mr muscles and so on.

Now, this being London, the person I met handsome M. via, is of course TB. The two were having coffee one saturday after a night on the tiles in Shoreditch where they said one can find lots of young women up for it (there are young women in west london and chalk farm where the two reside but these women are not up for it unless you're a banker or at least own a bmw and my two 40 somethings are resolutely of the 'arty' crowd variety.

So, there we are, L. and I wanting to match writer H. with handsome MA, when in fact H. is on and off shagging MA's friend TB! Stone me. It was obvious when TB arrived at the pub quiz and MA of course had already met his intended match H. and had to of course not even think about it ....

We'd also invited my friend GB who has a g/friend of a few months but L. thinks she's wrong for him and wants to shop him around. Unfortuntately apart from H. no other women turned up for our team. At the very end a young woman came to speak to L. and told her she thought MA was handsome but we didn't get a vibe off him towards this young woman.

I'd give up wouldn't you?

16 October - Cupid

So excited, I am playing cupid tonight to two people who don't know each other. A rare occasion as I don't have any spare men I'd recommend. This spare man I don't know at all, but he's very handsome, so when I met him outside a cafe' last week (he was with a mutual acquaintance) and they let it slip they had been on the hunt the night before in shoredtich, I quickly got his number and told him I'd call. The little I know is that he's spent too much time filming docus for the UN in Africa and has left himself w/o much chance of love (no sex for a year I think he said! crikey, was he in the desert?). It would also appear that he has no money and he's 40odd, so you see, I'll have to trade on his looks and 'interestingness' factor.

The right girl came to mind a few nights later when she said she's been invited to a charity trip to Uganda! Now, I know her and I know she knows a lot about Africa and has been to many countries and needs no advice, but it allowed me to ring this chap, M, and say 'have you been to Uganda?' 'no - he answered - but I know the director of Last King of Scotland'. 'Never mind - I said - can you come and have a drink with a friend who's goig to Uganda and just talk about it? And btw she's very attractive and only 32 and (I didn't say this) has her own house and income thank you very much?' 'Oh yes' he said.

So I told her about it (she screeched 'I love that film' but I advised her to tone down the enthusiams, and told her to feign helplessness re. Africa which will allow him to help, they all like to help. And voila'. 7.30pm tonight and conveniently she has to go to ado at 9pm latest and it will be a short and sweet introduction and they'll either like each other or... not.

She very sweetly said 'you realise he'll think you're angling for an affair?' Ahhh, she gives me too much credit to figure in this 40 something's hunk's life or fantasies. I did meet him in the company of Toph and I'll make sure to mention him repeatedly to leave no impression of latent interest on my part. Well, I lie, M is gorgeous! But no, no interest. I mean... at this point in life, if he had a house in Marylebone I may consider him above Toph but w/o that, no chance. Mmmhhh. Guy Ritchie is free and has a house in Marylebone....and he directs... and will have spare cash and he was not into adopting another ghastly kid ...mmmhhh. I am younger than the soon to be ex wife and not scarily veiny.

But I digress. Here's to Love. I forgot to mention that in my girlfriend's life there are now 2 other people trying to set her up for Xmas. One of the contenders is Colin Firth's brother (though am not sure he knows about this yet), so I'm imagining some sort of X Factor competition here where I think my protege' will win but there are others... I've never seen the X Factor so I don't know which one of the judges I'd be more like... past or present... It's fun though. Here's to Love again or at least a happy coupling by Xmas. She'll owe me many dinners to come if M. pulls it off.

21 August - Little Italy & Living on a prayer

I go to a 37year old b’day dance at Little Italy in Soho. I recognise the owner from twenty years ago. I tell my host that there was a time when all we had was the Soho Brasserie and Bar Italia and that when Little Italy opened it was great as was possibly before Conran revolutionised how we eat in London. But am hazy about dates. She doesn’t care. The place on a Thursday night is not so much about food as about cheesy music. Tony Bennet, Frank, … Bon Jovi!!! Yes, by the end of my evening (approximately 4 hours before the end of the others' evening), we were shouting along to Living on a Prayer.

My attempts at talking to male strangers came to nothing. I was only talking to them in order to provide them as possible dates to the various single women in the birthday party and including the feted one, and one bloke I was with. Each exchange was nice but brief. I had to conclude that I'm too old. Nobody continued the conversation /asked for my phone number. The last time that happened was at the Burberry sale and it was one of the French security guards. Ivan. See? it was so rare I still remember the name/have the piece of paper, though of course I couldn't call. Wonder if he'll be there at the next sale.... Am depressed.

Following day I write mock email to colleague who’s training to be a therapist and I pretend to need advice, and ask why men not interested no more? She replies that maybe it’s the stupid TWO gold rings (both looking suspiciously like wedding bands that I wear on the wedding finger).that deterred them. This cheers me up immensely….for a few minutes till I remember that since when does a wedding band stop anyone? And those guys were on their way to drunkenness which would have made them care even less about my honour and status. No, the stark truth is that they can tell how old I am and they don’t wanna know…

23 June - Wedding & Opera

The tenor, the assistant director , the wedding , the tie dance, the drama.
I'll have to flesh this one out later, once I've worked out how to make the principals less recognisable. But it's a good one. And one day I'd like some statistics as to who's more likely to misbehave at weddings: men or women...

tbc

16 June - Proxy dating with the young

We;re going out when we see young neighbour BM playing some kind of darts game in his garden with a young maiden, so we say hello and he invites us in for a drink. We oblige. Turns out they've spent part of the afternoon together (second or third time they meet) but she's meant to go elsewhere in the evening although it's 8.30 and she originally was meant to leave him at 5pm. We can only assume it's going well. We invite them out with us and she says oh ok then.

We get to the Cow and meet dour russian S. - who had two dates lined up, one was the fall back one, but they've both let HIM down. We feel like mum and dad though S. is pushing 40. No sign of BM, who arrives half an hour later minust girl because she did after all want/need to go to her mates at bar in Primrose Hill. Both S and BM and my boyfriend, are keeping an eye out for the ladies in the bar/street. Toph says he's doing if for the other two guys but I know better. But i get into the game too.

BM in the meantime has received an email from afternoon girl and replies. Though that’s the spirit, he’s conducting this conversation whilst being instantly in love with stunning blonde at the bar at the Cow. She’s with various Italians but she’s not Italian and I can’t catch her accent. I stand so close to them at the bar (my spying mission) that I end up being stared at by the bloke they’re talking to who must be wondering why I keep looking at them/him. This is embarrassing, but I have a good track record with getting people to talk to people and am trying. But by this point afternoon girl replies in unequivocal fashion to BM. She says 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad would I be if I swang back to where you are?' Blimey! He's panicking about how to reply so I dictate 'Very bad!' He wants to say more but I'm firm, he must leave it at that. He wants to go pick her up too but I say no, she said she'd swing by and if she gets here on her own tod, she must really want this. And so he’s off home to find the emergency condom. He’s a comedy act tonight. Bless. 27 years old and smart, and rich and not bad looking. What would I give.

So we head home, secretly pining for the days when we could do this exciting courting/mating ritual but still considering that when it goes wrong (see dour Russian S. , it feels like shit).

Two days later Toph sees BM in the garden and enquires. Turns out afternoon date did come to his. They got naked but then she said words along the line of 'I don't know if I should really do this....' To which my nice, middle class BM said 'Oh, if you're not comfortable, then maybe, you should think about it.. ' or words to that effect. OH NO! You can see where this is going. Girl wanted renewed permission to be a bad girl but lovely BM didn't get it and gave an earnest answer. Result: girl got in a huff and he called her a cab and off she went into the night. According to him, the window of opportunity has now shut.

What a waste! But allows Toph and I to feel lovely smugness again. Even when the bird is in the hand you can lose it and BM may have to be alone in his tent at Glastonbury. Maybe I should go and be on hand. He should have texted me before going all american college boy scared of the girl who'd cry rape afterwards...