12 December - Chefs & Science

Only last week I was sort of dissing a colleague who was so excited to go and have lunch at a special do with Gordon Ramsey which, on top of ludicrous bill would for the actual cover price of however much it is, £100 or so, also get her his latest book. She was like a little puppy and I was like 'god what is it with these people?why do they get so excited about chefs and overprices cookery book porn?'

And so it was that a mere few days later I went for lunch at Marcus Wareing at the Berkley, where a long time ago I had a memorable meal but I suspect the incredible wine had something to do with it and the frisson of erotic charge since after dinner the inevitable would have happened with that particular man. Whose name I can't now remember, typical.

Lunch was excellent and the best part was that the maitre d' took us to the kitchen (I was about to write 'backstage' because that's what it is) and upon entering, there was Marcus in the corridor taking a minute to himself and I ended up gushing something like oh my god you're the best. At least he's not a prat on TV. Must be what I hate the most about his erstwhile friend Gordon.

The main fact I gleaned was that recession means that there are no tables of 8, just lots of tables for two lured in by the great £35 set lunch (like er.. us, though if you get then charged a fiver for a coffee you can see they make their money back) and secondly that between them in the kitchen and those out front there are about 2 staff per each customer and it shows. It was flawless. So really I should not resent how much food costs in a top restaurant.

Even more so because next door practically at Harvey Nicks, we run into an old colleague of Toph who had to quit television becuase of lack of work and she took a dive in her earnings by switching from production manager to sales assistant/manager. So there she was and in all the time she talked to us, she never stopped taking money from customers of which there was a steady stream. All buying £200 of this and a £100 of that (I kid you not, there is a face bronzer by Chantecaille that costs £100. I repeat, a face bronzer). As this young lady with a wallet full of fiftys nearly left w/o her change so loaded was she, our new best friend told us 'you should have been there last wednesday when I took £8k off one woman'. I said 'you what? what did you sell, the entire stock?' . She said no, she took me to the shelf with the products made by plastic surgeons, you know, science face creams at £300 a bottle of ... serum.. you can't call it moisturizer any more. So I could see how you can get to £8k kind of in half an hour. She then proceeded to add that this woman paid in cash and she spent a good while counting freshly issued bank packets of fiftys. Money laundering or what? I had to ask and yes, the lady was middle eastern, what else in knighsbridge?

She also said she uses the stuff everyday herself as it's there on the shelf but that she doesn't believe it's what will give you great skin. How refreshing. It's water, and what you eat and your genes. She heaped us with samples and off we went. Suddenly I think that having lots of people slaving for me in a restaurant is immensely preferrable than spending that money on a pot of something greasy. What a con the skincare industry is. What an absolute con. There goes my old grandma with just her nivea and she was fab.