27 May - Missing Hay

Well, simply can't face driving anywhere to go watch/listen to anyone. I mean, I live in London, if they're good, they'll also do whatever they do here, in the capital, so going to a festival to overdose on them is not required. Unless of course I was also going to parties and hobnobbing with esteemed writers, but what would they want to hear from me? In those situations they have to be as opportunistic as the next person and aiming higher than themselves, not lower. So I'll spare them ... me, as would be on the level of basic audience who hasn't even read their book and wouldn't buy it as can find it at the library or second hand shop. Noticed friend of friend Chris M- J described as intelligence operative ! ha! Is he? What a great description for someone who used to do checks on background /legitimacy of companies for international deals. Anyway, he has now written a spy style novel and am 99% sure I'll never read it. You'd think that by not reading thrillers/spy/legal novels, auto /biographies and historical novels, I'd have time for others but no.. the pile by the bed grows and never really gets the satisfactory consignment to a shelf mentally marked been there/done that. Where does time go?

25 May - Colonics & Rob Lowe

He is just too handsome. I do like them with a sort of smooth almost girlie face. Not for me the rugby player build, a picture of Mike Tyndall can actually make me grimace in unvoluntary disgust though Shrek is a very successful film so no doubt there are fans of that look. In the distant past didn't say no to a couple of said shaped men, but they had super handsome faces, though but on the whole, give me Rob Lowe. I'd never even have noticed he was in town doing promo for an autobiography (never manage to read that genre), but turns out friend S. still treasures all his films and still has some on vhs. So she bought tix and off I went.


The talk was oversubscribed and I bet the Royal Geo society never sees such a turnout, it's not like Amundsen has just returned from his successful trip .... My foray was more exciting in terms of discovering their building than the actual RL experience. There was an exhibition of prize winnign photos in the foyer and they just make me dream of setting off every other week to one of those destinations. They also have a great magazine which had articles about things I never think about. Am writing this two weeks after the event and can't recall as single article, proof that ageing will be fine as will turn into a fish in a bowl endlessly coming across the same thing and finding it fascinating. But I loved them at the time. Back to RL. He's pretty consumate raconteur, would imagine he can memorise all his anecdotes, I mean, he was there, he knows what happened but the actual telling has to be done in a timed entertaining way and he told us that for him the best part of the West Wing was being capable of memorising long stretches of script which was filmed in one take. Which then gave him the confidence to come do theatre here in some Aaron Sorkin play which S. naturaly went to see. Unfortunately for her I still struggle to take a photo on an iphone not having one myself. So the record of her moment next to him when he signed her book is... out of focus naturally. Ah well...
The surprise was also that there were zillions of teenagers there and we couldn't figure it out.... seems they were his fans from Brothers & Sisters which I never watched. He says he left because his character was holding salad tongs too often and that was not him. Agree, we should see RL doing some sex scenes though we never did in West Wing. Was he straight or was there a hint of gay there? Been a few years, can't remember.

Colonics, what the hell did I want to say about them? I stick the titles up before I write the post...mmmhhh had one. Was er.. more interesting than the previous one, and I suspect now that am not actually dying of pancreatic cancer but simply was full of shit. Won't discuss on these pages, but just for my own memory retention. This blog is my 'cloud'.

23 May - Macbeth & Biennale

I must be the only person in Europe who when booking trip back in Feb for self and a few friends to Venice (for early june) did not check about any events in the city. Safe in the knowledge that movie festival is in September and the Biennale runs Summer to September also. Ah but had not given a thought to rampant commercialism and exploitation of just about everything and guess what? Biennale acutally opens first week of June and runs to ... November. How mad is that? yes I know the scope of it has so increased that it covers 3 or 6 times the original area and they add on the other Biennale empty year and make that the architectural one, so that local food vendors ie restaurants can be kept in gold painted gondolas all year round. I didn't know. You'd think I had never gone myself in other previous years. So when I came to booking hotels I obviously left it to early May, month in advance is pretty good planning you'd agree.

Not a space, not a room, nothing! and friend's flat occupied by her musicians there for her mini festival. Never occurred to me that she'd chosen 1 June so as to be part of Biennale jambooree. At moments like this a rich russian friend with a yacht would be a welcome addition to my life.

But then the palazzo was found! The only one in Venice with private large landscaped garden . Go on a search if you like, but be smarter than I am and notice straight away that the rentable parts of it do not have balconies on the Canal Grand alas, so you can forget dreaming to play some 18th century painted dame. Never mind, will be dining in Mazzorbo. You must know have been to Venice plenty of times (including a spell in hospital there in 2003, won't go into it but they have one of the best departments for ophtalmology/transplants etc) so have to find new things to delight me.

As for Machbeth in the title, well we went to ROH and a friend took us to backstage canteen and was kind of surreal to eat a sarnie surrounded by the vast chorus. Plus I was laughing... in Verdi's world they call him Macbetto. Just too funny.

20 May - Test & Osterone

It's sort of amusing in a way that one day you're considering you may have some aspect of pancreatic cancer (and for those few people who actualy know me and read this blog occasionally, please don't panic, I may be exaggerating for my own comedy purposes) and the next you're seeing a professor expert in 'pause (I will not call it with its full name which I think is just not apt) and she recommends testosterone patches /gel to bring libido back to former levels.


So you are at the chemist getting said meds and get told by the helpful assistant that it will cost £100 for 3 months. Considering that the as yet not fully diagnosed 'shadow on pancreas' is 1.5cm long and don't think they'd wheel me in surgery that fast to remove it, I am sure I'll pass the 3 months and it's worth turning into a wild sex kitten in the run up to god knows what. As a friend commented, that's a pound a day. Bargain.

Not sure radiotherapy kills libido as much as chemo does, but I read that people don't have the energy to lift a fork so imagine that if I start sickening, I wouldn't stretch to a bit of cocksucking or other. Yes give me the stuff. That way if I then need surgery and/or die, Toph can remember me up to the very last moment prior to sad hospital visits as his ever hot chick.


In a way this little conundrum is no different to when a 70 something relative needed expensive dentistry, am talking over 10k, and she was considerin how much longer she has to live vs the outlay. I advised that getting to 80 these days is relatively established and so it worked out to 3 quid a day or so to be mindful of nearerst and dearest who would like to see her smile as opposed to keeping tight lips to hide the repair work needed.

19th May - Bodies & Knowledge

What we know is how our bodies function. Some people are more attuned than others to those functions/variations on normal. Clearly if you complain about getting fatter and you don't make a link to the near bottle of wine you drink everyday, you're not in tune or in fact you're in deliberate denial. Me, am one of those who doesn't rush to doctors. Or .. didn't. For most of my life I never troubled my GP from one year to the next. Until something I left unchecked beause I thought it wasn't that bad, turned really bad indeed. But even with that scare, I still struggle to act fast. However, last year there was something that wasn't right and was diagnosed as more than boring acid reflux, live with it sort of thing. It was sorted. Then this year it was back but not quite the same. Though same meds prescribed. Still not quite gone but feels different. When it's not real pain but just uncomfortable, you feel sort of wasteful of resources but hey, you pay for them so you go. Because I pay for them via insurance and am not therefore brushable offable as friends on NHS, I'm sent for an expensive scan. Result. The actual results follow swiftly. The experts coach it in non-threatening language but am not fooled. A 1.5cm sort of shadow near pancreas to me spells something bad. More scan to follow. No panic yet, just jokes involving death planning or at least surgery. I am predicting scan will also be inconclusive (I have a history of non simple things when something goes wrong with me) and some kind of extraction for further study may be required... sigh...

But oh for the satisfaction of saying 'There, I knew there was something there'. Oh and also, to the no doubt legions of sceptics out there, my beloved acupuncturist of many years, who I usually visit just for overall well being, w/o prompting had said 'There's a blockage here' and pointed to the area in question. As I've always thought though, needles don't subsititute conventional surgery so ... let's see. At least one best friend's mother is top oncologist in the world and beloved emigre' surgeon ex, is due back in six weeks and will point to relevant pitfalls.

In the meantime the new sports massage therapist I've just tried, said 'you weren 't joking' when he laid hands on my knotty shoulders. I told him it's not handbags or chairs, it's sleeping with shoulders up to my ears in subconscious overall tenseness. The body knows....

15 May - Artificial vs Real

Flowers, not tits. Had a mini mad shopping spree on line as it gets tiring to wait for plants to shoot up some flowers and then they're gone and you're back to green watch.


It did provide for a funny game for a visiting 5 year old. She gingerly went up to every plant and correctly called it 'real' , 'not real'. Personally I thought they looked good from a distance but she knew.

12 May - East is Best

It felt weird preparing to go out /cross London to go eat at Viajante knowing that L. was instead preparing to go to his goddaughter funeral first thing. Reason I thought of him was that he lives Stoke N way and so had previously asked if wanted to come out for a drink at the bar.

But tragedy is unique to who it befalls... so you don't feel guilty sipping your cocktail even though you think of how utterly bereft that family feels right now. Viajante and the Town Hall get top marks. Super staff, super ambiance. Shabby street outside but they probably take the long wiew on its eventual gentrification. They probably say edgy area and they do provide shuttle to civilisation ie Liverpool St or Shoreditch central.

I sort of diminished the effect by going to Passing Clouds just because it was there. Note to self, you really, really no longer belong to any clubbing night. It's gone.

9 May - Travel & Twerps

This morning I caught myself thinking 'must not stand next to you, I hate you' a' propos another commuter and never thought my inner spat with this person had grown to this level.

She usually travels later than me but this morning I was late and the bus was also very late. She gets it upstream from me but can't be much as she's standing, so just a couple of stops perhasp. For some reason I find myself next to her often, this is because I realise it at last moment and often and try to step away quickly, because (and this is the reason I hate her) she hogs space by the exit door despite not needing to get off till the station where we ALL get off and I'd be usually one of the people who tries to get to the EMPTY space and often empty seats at the back of the bus, so that other people at next stop can get on the bus instead of being left kerbside because the driver thinks the bus is full becauase these wankers just bunch up at the front. And when you say 'exuse me, can I please step past you', they... glare at you. As if your suggestion was bonkers and not the fact that other people have their exit impeded by the hoggers by the door who are there simply to shave 1 min off their eventual exit.

Annoying woman is always on her BB and wears sunglasses even when no sun is out so you could think she's not seeing the obstruction she causes but hard to be that self obsessed. Though she's very short so her stance has to be that short people are entitled to their space. When she gets off she has a similar pace to mine (she's sort of knock kneeded but not as much as some japanese girls are) so have to either overtake her or stand well behind because 9 out of 10 she'll be in a similar spot to mine on the platform. So I have to register where she is in order to get on different compartment. The last thing that I want to cross is being on same coach, standing at different ends and then divying for same seat that becomes available. That would be war.
She also gets off at my stop so that's another possible escalator brush off.

No idea why I have focussed on her out of many other hoggers on the bus. Possibly because she's youngish and white and regular /short size so in the event of uttering a string of abuse at her I'd be unlikely to use stuff that can then get me to Mel Gibson level, which is when nobody has any sympathy for you even if you may be an aggrieved party.

The worse I could do is 'Who do you think you are? Debbie Harry or frikking Brix Smith?' she's same height as the latter and wears her handbag on crook of elbow which is what Smith would do - but not Harry. Harry is also massively more attractive than Smith and this woman is not at Harry's level, but you know, the peroxide short fluffy cut is modelled on her for sure. I have typecast her as a shop assistant or maybe manager of a few people as she's getting in earlier than others to open shop? Or is it assistants who get in early and manager gets in later? Who knows, not my area. Shop cannot be a Gucci or the like, she's more rock chick than that, so am thinking a Karen Millen though she's not wearing that and too short to project 'wag when interviewing for office job' which is what Karen Millen is.

One of these mornings I'm going to have to follow her... oh dear.

1 May - Bad & News

There has to be some bad stuff in the stars or, as a friend said when I related the following bad things befalling friends, I'm the unlucky amulet they've all 'touched'.

The following news shocked me in the space of a few days from one another:

the sister in law who's not a sister in law and is not married herself has declared her relationship is finished, non-husband has moved out already and their holiday to Majorca was so they could tell the kids about the new life ahead w/o them receiving the bad news in their own home which apparently is very bad. Best to be on neutral ground. Didn't see it coming apart from reports of bickering. They've grown apart. He's too consumed by work /travels constantly. She over emphasises the kids the kids nothing but the kids. That's it, ten years. Ciao. They say noone else involved and I say well I'll eat my hat if in a month or two non husband who's not fought very hard to stay in this relationship doesn't introduce some young/free/slim new partner in his life. Funny that non wife had house massively extended/done up before seeking split. She of course remains in said house. He has to go to flat nearby.

I visit a non intimate friend by I like her an awful lot and I ask how the launch of web magazine is going. She said it's been delayed. I say oh no, technical stuff, people letting you down? She deadpans 'husband's affair didn't help there'. I fall off the proverbial stool. We recently spent 4 days with these people and not a hint, apart from small touches of tetchiness. Which couples have of course. I say what/how etc and turns out the affair was last year but she's recently foudn out he's still in touch wtih the woman and that's that. I say did you have any inkling and she replies 'his massive weight loss was a sign, but disappearing outside to make phone calls was the second /other classic'. Turns out she was very down last year and he was simply not there/understood. And bang, someone else offers non depressing alternative ... Friend seems to be holding up well. She also gets to keep the massive designer house which in these cases is a good trade. She also says when she met him years ago, she was the other woman to his longstanding relationship so she can't go all hypocrite over this. She says they're friends. I say yeah, till he parades new woman around and/or wants to move back into this house.
You may gather that I am of the school of 'exes are not friends'.

Mother of long long gone and dead ex boyfriend rings to tell me her husband has died. Stomach cancer. He was super old but a man who liked to invent stuff and travel a lot, so someone who had good energy. She's now facing all those admin things that he always took care of, like trying to get out of sky sports subscription etc. Make mental note to increase frequency of calls to her from 3 or 4 a year to .. monthly at least.

Another friend writes of her Easter lunch breakdown after cooking for 20 odd people from scratch and ... oh I won't go into it as my sympathy for this was cut short by...this:
L's goddaughter, 15, hanged herself. Had had depressive episodes in the past. Rang a friend to tell her she was going to kill herself. Friend tried to find father (who has second young family and the daughter lives with them) who was at family picnic. They rush back but it's too late. Don't know more than this and don't want to. Imagine that whatever it is is nothing that at age 18 you wouldn't find totally manageable/resolvable but at 15 just too crushing to battle it. Does anyone ever get over a suicide?