5 May - WAGs 'r Us

Am dressed like a WAG, including those self adhesive rubbery chicken fillets you stick over your tits if you can’t show bra straps. There’s a reason for this (will spare you) and am glad the lilac WAG dress slashed to the waist and bare at the back only cost £15 at a River Island. The jersey is made of is not that different from some I touched at Browns. But it feels weird. Looking down my chest and seeing the bare strip between the breasts and the breasts all round and smooth… It feels odd. Wonder how they feel after people have had plastic surgery? As I walk I hold my coat closed and it’s too hot. But if a man catches a glimpse they look. This is easy. Too easy. But it’s so everywhere surely there’s no novelty value? But it’s a pavolvian response perhaps: see tits about to spill out of girls dress and … look.

I am totally overdressed when I turn up to meet a friend at 6.30 at the Mandarin Oriental. I am too old though (I hope) to be mistaken for a hooker. Oh look, there’s Rowan Keating with his wife. And later outside there are the fattest bunch of American girls you’ve ever seen, they’re waiting for some bulky short guy who used to be in Backstreet Boys (I had to ask…). I am still overdressed later when I go for dinner in a nice but understated Sardinian restaurant with Toph. He’s also looking down my chest. Which is dead funny. I tell him about the plumping up extras but he’s unfazed.

Later on, the dress gets pulled this way and that by Toph. Thank god it’s easy jersey. I was going to throw it away/consign it to a cupboard as it’s done its duty and lost its novelty value but he enjoys it so much that I’ll keep it now. He likes to pull the breasts out through, the middle gap and ravish them. Oh I love that verb. Perfectly describes what I presume gods do to nymphs and what have you, in all those paintings we’ve seen or frescoes etc. I still remember the frescoes in the old fort building in Cochin of multi limbed Shiva performing circus tricks on Mohini and her friends. Shame there were no postcards one could get or books, I did a search on internet at the time but if they don’t allow them to be photographed, they can’t be reproduced. But Toph is working wonderfully from memory. Aahhhh. He doesn't seem to mind when the fillets come out but he finds them a bit odd following morning as they sit all flesh coloured silicon proud on the bedside table.

7 September - Lookalikes & Degrees

Ok this is weird. A while ago whilst chatting to JS who I had not seen for years
(and re-met this year and had to turn down several times though I believe it’s just a game for him at this point to try it on) he mentioned one of his exes is an actress called Rhona Mitra. So of course I go google her and look at photos. She’s got a bit of that Sandra Bullock manly face with square jaw but on some photos looks softer and who am I to comment, as there is the odd photo of me where I look like a Brazilian transvestite or at least I think so, the rest of the taxi driver community goes for SJP or Kylie) sooooo…. Looking at these photos I noticed that RM’s cleavage had altered significantly over the years (well you don’t get to play the original Lara Croft if you’re Keira Knightley). So I ask JS if he was her boyfriend before or after the new tits and he says both. Do they feel good I ask and he says ‘Fantastic, but remember her father is a well known plastic surgeon'. So yes, though we don’t think he actually did it, she had good advice/resources. The BF upon being told this story and giving me the usual you have great boobs, no need to enchance them, admits to one experience with girl with fake boobs. I ask my usual question, how did they feel and first of all he tries to say ‘Ok’ then a smile escapes and admits they were great. Uh ho, she’s Icelandic, wonder where she went to have them done? Wonder if you live in a low density country there’s one plastic surgeon who does them all and whether the guys get to meet the same tits even if they change g/friend/wife?

But back to why I started this posting. So I go to a gig last night with JS and his ex is there, the famous A. the mother of his 5 year old child. I’ve heard so much about over 7 years or so (or ok, not really as I said knew him back then, then met again recently). First of all I registered she’s practically my double, only a good few years younger and more tanned as she's fresh from Tuscany, same height, same face, same hair, same build, etc and then I also see some of the actress features in her. Talk about sticking to a type. Must discuss with him what the clincher attraction ‘item’ is about this type of face… Am not sure what she thought of me. Knowing her boy as she does, I did feel suspected but my consciece was clear.

18 August - Tits

Oh dear…. I had not bargained for this, for essentially being a woman and always finding fault with bodies with which as we all know, we have a very complex relationship. So there I was ecstatic about the svelte Lisa in slinky Rifat Ozbek pants from ten years ago, shaking it on the dance floor and having assorted friends admire the 2-pack stomach (well I don’t want to work as hard as a bloke do I?) when no amount of looking at them from whichever angle could disguise the fact that the bras look a bit forlorn now that the detox and exercise has removed the only beloved fat I have ie. on my TITS.

I mean, they are ok but they’re aging and seeing them some inches down from where they stood in their glory has already upset me enough since I crossed this current decade and having less of them is… just not on. I shall have to eat lots, more than before in fact to replenish the bosoms’ shelf or very soon I won’t tolerate being anywhere where they are on display on young bodies. I had dinner with a 17 year old the other day who told me (as noticed me staring at her boobs trapped in tiny vest) that ‘My boobs keep growing, I don’t know why.. I’m a F now’. I could have hit her. It was bad enough the other night watching this Spanish film from a few years ago, “Sex and Lucia” (a total mis-title if I ever came across one, yes there was sex but not that much and the film was about so much else). Two of the three female leads where ultra attractive and in their mid-twenties and every time they removed their clothes - and they were naked a lot on various desert beaches etc. - I could only but stare at their tits: perfectly round, and solid and whiter than the rest of their bodies, and sitting high on their chests... and just gorgeous. Like mine used to be. Oh ok, I probably back then wanted a different nipple, more permanently erect would have been good, but for example size of aerola was fine by me, oh, now I think about it I also wanted them to be closer together, to have more natural cleavage but .. there were always bras for that, nice 32C bras which now seem to have the top half empty of flesh. How do you stop mourning about your lost super tits? I mean, the BF likes what I have, they're a major improvement on tiny size of his ex’s, so he's well happy, can't fall asleep if has not had a feel, but… he’s never met my 26 year old breasts! He'd have loved those. I have only a few years left before I’ll have to start having sex keeping my bra on, even when I’m lying down. What a ' orrid prospect.

Ok, I was never someone who had to complain that men stare down at my front (they’re within the norm and I didn’t flash them around like that) but I admired them every day. We can all fiddle with bras and stuffing but I don’t care how tey look under clothes, gosh I could wear a Dolly Parton bra if that was the case. No, I’m not into deceiving anyone else, it’s just me and the mirror or me and my hands on them when I fall asleep. These past few weeks I’ve cupped them a lot, wonder if anyone’s noticed at work for example. Probably just regularly to check they’re not diminished further. The Brazilians know about all this. There, their very famous plastic surgeon Ivo Pitanguy, does pro-bono work for a few hundred dollars instead of thousands because he believes it’s every woman’s right to have beautiful and FIRM tits. Maybe there’s small consolation in the fact that I’m not dating a tits obsessed Brazilian or I’d be ordered to have the boob job or else. But surgery is out of the question for me, I don’t want to feel anything alien under the skin, but it’s a sad truth that you cannot have a 26” waist and huge tits naturally (a D cup would make me very happy to be honest, C was never enough) or some people do but very few. Latino girls seem to have the proportions right.. when they’re young. You want D? Then the rest of you looks like Martine McCutcheon. You look like Gwyneth? Then you have to go to the surgeon.

This is not fair and is an especially boring as has replaced worry about thighs and even saggy knees. Considering this level of preoccupation it’s a given that I’ll get breast cancer and they’ll both have to be removed and I’ll just not allow it and will die instead.