29 January - Tall Tales Night

Laughter at M’s night, much needed. Just make up a likely story that fits with your character and people will believe it's actaully true. Very inventive, and am impressed it's all done with no notes, like a monologue which I could never ever do w/o ending up round the houses, up a hill, across the sea etc. Jealous or Mr rethoric who cites 'Socratic irony' among his interest when I check him on the web. It sort of helps that his father was a politician and gave the kids weird Welsh names and probably made them discuss socratic irony round the dinner table when they were aged 5.
The Belgian Waffle woman performed too. On a previous occasion she once read one of her pieces and couldn’t stop giggling at own wit, together with the audience. Contagious, if not a bit juvenile. She's funny on blog but not that funny. Then again, I'm less funny than she is, so can't really complain about her much. Surprised to find out she's a mother, she seemed like a student to me, not that the two are esclusive.

Met the writer Naomi Alderman, and though have not read her at least I knew who she was, Toph was clueless. She has written a Dr Who book and Disobedience and new novel The Lessons. Quick wiki check and she’s a games writer. That’s why she knew so much about who does which voiceover on games! Must admit did a very uncharitable mental connection between her body shape (fat and unstylish) and her interests (games) and thought fat geek, it figures. Am sorry.... but am still vain. Would rather not have successful books published and be my shape than other way round. Well, that's my excuse then for lack of creative production. My pact with the devil....

28 January - Face & Mood

The year has started badly. This now feels like the real age downhill.

1) I can no longer leave the house w/o prior conducting some face damage limitation, concelaer is essential and foundation pretty much also. I guess I had it good till now which is no small consolation.
2) I wake up every morning with pillow creases etched on my face which take a good hour to fully disappear. This can only be because some cushioning layer of collagen has been depleted from my face and the skin is more creasable? Nothing else has changed, not the pillows nor the pillowcases. Go figure
3) My eyesight has taken a total dip for the worse. Last year went to get vari-focals which I was only using for small print, now quite suddenly everything has gone really blurry
4) The mood is dark. Just as well have been to Egypt already or would think twice about going to the civil unrest fest
5) I read a poster offering relationship advice and their tag line is ‘Would you go out with you? (or would you marry you?) We can help etc.'a nd I think no, right now I wouldn’t go out with me as I have nothing whatsoever to add to anyone’s life. Or my own.

A quick trip to ski down a mountain would restore some cheerfulness but no such thing exists in this country. Maybe it’s time I relocated to central Europe where the mountains are that much nearer.

20 January - Drugs & Sides

Friend J. who was looking for HRT, goes to GP and gets recommended anti dep of the Prozac family, small dosage 'try one month' sort of thing.

Checking it out online, you read the list of possible side effects and you could just faint at the thought. Ok they give you percentages of the sample and the likelihood is small enought, but still. There's a side effect for everything. You know, cure your suicidal thougths but give yourself anxiety and sleeplessness why won't you? Aren't you already anxious and sleepless if you have suicidal thoughts? Who knows. Just as well that the GP told her to ignore the side effect for decreased libido since that was one of the reasons she was keen to get on HRT in the first place - that and the sudden rages.

She's aske me to keep an eye on her in case I notice anything out of character.

19 January - Win & Lose

We all have our own battles, some are big and some are much smaller but if the smaller ones are very frequent, weekly for example, they assume a larger role. You could say 'You stress over that??? You're mad!' , but scratch anyone and find a long list of their own idiosyncrasies.

These battles can go on for years before you find a solution and the solution is always there for you to find, but you simply cannot see it. Perhaps if you had discussed the problem with a friend they'd have suggested a solution or told you it was a losing battle and saved you time?

Problem #1. The hard water in London or the washing machine or more likely my refusal to wash at 90c all the time (for eco reasons) and the result is that my white sheets are never as white as I want them. From time to time I leave them steeped in boiling water, or in bleach but they never come out as white as I want them. And yet I have a dim memory of a grandmother boiling them or I saw it in some upstairs downstairs movie and it worked? or perhaps it was an illusion due to the fact that in those movies or memories the sheets were then hanging out to dry in brilliant sunshine so they would be white rather than when I observe mine in London light. And if it was a movie that gives me this memory, how do I know that the sheets hanging to dry are actually the ones that were washed in the previous scene? They could be brand new? No, it was grandma's ones. Must have been. If by now you have thought of solution #1 'Buy new sheets', you don't know me well. Yes I can buy new ones but I would have the same problem and it just bugs me. So I carry on with this mini drama. But recently another grandma - not mine - told me 'Once they've gone grey, you don't get the white back'. This was not what I expected but effectively it means I can terminate my efforts. So I went one further and bought into men's mentality (bachelors of course) and bought brown sheets (could have chosen blue I guess). I thought I'd hate them becasue they are not white, but surprisingly they seem inviting to sleep. Sure I'll change them as often as before, if I had to rely on visual to tell me, months could go by (again, see bachelors we used to know). It may take a while however to fully convert to dark sheets. I still hanker for brilliant white but no longer believe washing powder ads.

Problem #2 was orchid envy. I'd visit shops, beauty parlours, other houses and everyone has blooming orchids which are a bit too ubiquitous these days but still a lovely indoor plant. Everyone has their own suggestions as to the care for these flowers and their position and have tried them all. My orchids die. Or rather, the flower stem does. You could argue that I never bought £40 plants to start with and it's possible that the expensive ones are bred to be stronger and more durable plants, but how to trust that I could have one of those survive if 3 (so far) of the tenner variety have wilted and 'died'? I also don't know if the orchids I see in other places are always the same plant or if in fact they have died and been substituted. If you owned a shop, you would get new ones all the time surely. But I wanted to see mine flower again, but so far no luck. The other day I was in Selfridges and in the basement they have an area of plastic flowers and plants for sale. Fab, though expensive. So I bought a white orchid large flower stem and plonked it into one of my vases (leaves are ok) and voila', I will never have to worry about the orchids again. In Poundland by contrast they sold small flower plastic stems (alas in pink), and I got one of those too for the other vase. Can you tell the difference from real plant? No doubt, but not at a distance so am happy.

Having solved these 2 persistent nags (perhaps problem is not the right word), I must move on to something else. I know... the tree that cuts out all my light /sunshine in the garden. Next project.

18 January - Stuff Owns Me

Those articles on decluttering alwasy ask you if you own stuff or if stuff owns you. I'd say the latter. Am already panicking about a possible move I'll do later in the year. Something I really want and look forward to but feel utterly deflated when I think about packing up and storing ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL/TOOOOOO MUCH.

Just as I feel all of this weighing on me and start to plan how to consolidate, but I know I'll throw away only 5% of what I have, Angolan queen's email hits my inbox. She's one who's always been on the move and travels light. Not for her to hang on to a duvet between moves, she'll buy a new one and she's absolutely right. Since she's been in Africa she's had the use for her returns of a friends' large house and they've stored for her a few boxes of her belongings, like 6 in total?
These friends are now also moving and will have less space so Angolan queen is asking me to go visit and take out of these boxes a few things like:

1 black dress with birds on, 1 red handbag (that K. gave me for xmas last year) 1 DVD drive for computer with cable
from suitcase the quilt my mum made me
from laundry basket the two pairs of boots
1 x box photos/albums and framed photos
Sigur Ros dvd/book/cd's- (about 4 things)
from another suitcase (I think) 1 pair purple suede m and s high heels and a pair of flat lizard skin sandals both in shoe bags

fill just one suitcase with them and the rest can go.

I have read this email many times now. I could cry with envy.

17 January - Rocks & Stones

Man, I keep reading what women want, what they don't want etc and how to get ahead and so on but for my empirical observations, they want conflicting things so what's new. I work with high achievers under incredible stress every day but they're here to make money. There are enough women though of course not 'high up'. The ones in the 20 to 30 category are of course getting married, having children etc. Not sure how they will maitain the career upon return.
But it's telling how we chat about nothing much and when discussing god knows what she says 'have you seen the ring H Hefner gave his 24 year old g/friend, it's huge, star shaped'. I say no, so she calls me to her computer and there it is. Not as awful as I imagined. I say go get it Y. but don't sell anything of yourself to get one. But it's kind of sad that she aims for that.

I wish we just woke up one day to the news that diamonds and gold and platinum are no longer worth anything at all, they're practically like silver plated swarovski stuff. Pretty, creative, unique, but worth just a few manageable quid. I'd really like that, instantly wiping out this house of cards that someone created about gold and diamonds. Sure people back in egyptian, roman, whatever times, wanted something that lasts, and gold does last, we're still finding what they hid here and there, but it's absurd the value that's attributed to these things. And sure also, it's immense skill and creativity that some jeweller have employed to create beautiful things to hold, but can they do that with crystal stones and not the diamonds? Can a little polished wood carving now be the perfect gift for valentine? It will wane over time but you won't be here to know it.

Jewels are just things, you can't take them with you, they may buy you a bit of safe passage should the big wars start but not for long. They're not worth more than books etc.

5 January - Gloom & Doom

Yep, it's here. There's a reason why I try not to be in London in early Jan usually, it's because coming back mid Jan avoids some of this... gloom.
Notwithsdtanding N's invite to join her in Chennai end of Jan (I can't), the skiing in March at L&A, India in april /may, Italy in jJune with M/H and I., late Summer in Puglia or some such, am not thinking it's enough. It really isn't. Need more.

Even reading that Mick Larn died at 52 and with not much money. and Gerry Rafferty died with cash galore in comparison, doesn't put anything into perspective. I want more.

I remember back in the days some of my early friendships beign crazy Japan fans and being their driver as they stalked Mick or Steve Jansen in their flats in Bassett rd. though I remember meeting Mick in a flat in Gloucester rd? Any other memories are gone. Apart from the memory of how amazingly different their sound seemed in those early shows at that venue in Victoria. What was it called? Ah, the Venue in fact. I write the news to another mate from back school days and she says she has bought Gentlemen Take Polaroids about 3 times in all these years having worn it out on vinyl. 1980 seems like the moon to me now.

3 January - Walks and Talks

Not often in the country at Xmas/New Year and doing it once in a while reminds me of why I should always be away. Too many days with not enough to do in a city that's so large that the thought of going to visit friends etc. is too tiring and you're trying to avoid shops and their sale temptations of products you don't need so you stay in and get more fidgety /bored as there's only so many pages of a book you can read in one go and TV/movies don't take your fancy.

However I should record that a nice walk was had in wet Hampsted with the lapsed lawyer who's now a fresh judge and his g/friend and two kids, the friend with the chocolate dog and the friend of hers with the ten year old and Toph. Due to all the others having lunch first at the old pub, the walk was not that long and for once I could have really gone round the park. Instead we took a long route to get back to the car and marvelled about the massive houses and who lives in them. It's such a mystery. What do they do with all the space? Including the space that's concealed from view? It's not like they can have 20 servants and 12 kids each and at any one time 8 guests staying? Or maybe they do? For sure it's a life lived with a limo driver whisking you away to wherever any time you step out of the door, but I don't know, never really liked it up here... never coveted it.

On another day with friend with dog, Toph and his mother we followed around Maida Vale the friend who's become a city guide and this was her practice tour of the area where she lives. And very interesting it was too, tough slightly too long at 2 hours (will come down to 90 mins eventually) when it's bitterly cold out there. Also, she did not make it clear that the rules of the course say that you have to have your group stood somewhere at any one time before you tell them the history/info ie. walking and talking is forbidden. It's kind of obvious as that way all the group can hear, maybe rest a little if they're not young etc. So for someone with my kind of manic energy it was super hard and not knowing the rule I kept breaking off ahead with friend with dog and then urging Toph and mother to walk faster. The one thing I took away from this walk, apart for more respect for my friend as there's soooo much work gone into devising it, is that we all matter as much as a grain of sand. She told us about all manner of well known figures who had lived in the area and with the exception of Paul McCartney, Billy Fury, Vivian Leigh and Alma Tadema and Oskar Kokolska (spelling?) the others I can't remember. And had we had a 15 year old on the walk, she'd have known NONE. Sure I sort of knew some of the names but truly in their time they may have been a famous artist, entrepreneur, philosopher or engineer or soldier but it's all lost in mist and an in 50 years McCartney will be remembered but not Billy Fury (why anyway?) so you really are insignificant despite your achievements in your lifetime. Good one to remember if I ever get depressed about the lack of mine.

I also had a fab little dinner at Dishoom with the departing Angolan queen and Vindaloo Vic and his family (and Toph). Only 2 out of the 3 daughters and a rare appeareance of the youngest one who is praeternaturally beautiful and only 14 but 5'11" and budding model. The 20 year old was beautiful too but in a different not so captivating way. Vic and wife thanked us for chatting for a longtime to the daughters but it was no chore. They are perfecly formed in social situations. Clever, smart and when not knowledgeable, still interested. I think I performed a parents' good deed by persuading the 14 year old that if she wants to follow a career in fashion she should not drop out of expensive private school to go work in Topshop. Sure you can work your way up and enough people have done it but why not wait to find out if Philip Green's daughter is in they year above yours and cultivate that friendship whilst you're studying. And if you can get a masters in business you can run the shop, no need to re-fold jumpers. Ok you get my drift, I think she did too. And by all means start with the summer job and see how you do.

Dishoom food very good. Toph was finally able to clear one of his puzzles of old. He's always thought VV was odd, his energy, his mannerism and frankness and Angolan Queen revealed he has mild Asperger and so unable to read signs and talking too directly and moving on too fast or overpowering your wishes when ordering in a restaurant, a little like manic child. But that's probably also what makes him a successfull company owner. If you have little empathy and you tell everyone to moves swiftly along then maybe enough people like you for that? I mean, they get their answers straight away? Didn't much help his wife when they had some earlier tragedy in their life and a child was lost to incurable illness but they seem a happy enough family apart from the daughters mild anorexia.

However all of the above filled 2 days out of the long holiday so you know, I still think it's best to be awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.