16 June - Fiftflops & my arse

Sometimes you have to use your blog as a whinging post because you don't really want to write to the daily mail, god forbid. You can feel foolish pursuing £36/40 but ... it's always the principle that gets invoked. I'll try to make this brief.

A relative in another town buys me a pair of Fitflops as requested for Xmas gift (it gets difficult to peg some gift request around an acceptable dollar amount and you'd be surprised how many people refuse to give you vouchers and insist it has to be a tangible object) . For whatever reason I don't start wearing them till mid-May and only indoors. I have my doubts as to what they proclaim to achieve for your leg toning fitness. Really, you'd have to walk 10 miles a day in them minimum to see any of the benefits promised but let's leave that go by.

Within days the 'ribbon' that attaches the straps to the central round plastic logo starts to come off. Once that starts it's inevitable that it will totally unravel and it does. Am blaming inattention at the factory, they cut it too short and hence any pull would unstitch it.

So I take a couple of photos and send to customer care saying I don't really want to involve the ageing relative and of course I have no receipt for them and the shop is 5 hours away so kindly send me a replacement or tell me where to collect in London. Much back and fro and they won't do it. I write, look, it's easy. Tell your PR office to give me a pair and write it off as if it had been sent to a journalist, the shoes cost you under a tenner for sure (says made in china on the sole so make that a fiver) so why make me post to relative, make her take a trip into town blah blah blah, post them back and we're up to £20 on recorded delivery alone. After all the original shop still would have to send back to your distribution centre so the amount of time spent on this is still a fair bit. Answer is still no.

So I phone the shop and eventually get a kind person who finds the transaction and asks me to post them to them. Which I'll do. But zero points to customer care who, in her email writes 'you must appreciate that we are not set up for refunds (fair enough am not asking you to process a cheque, I even said that so long as they were size 4 any style would do, am not, repeat not, a flip flop wearer in town situations) and we get DOZENS of returns requests DAILY (my caps) from all over the world.'

There you go. Would point to all not being good in the world of FF. Don't believe the hype.

16 January - Shoes... again

After wriggling toes free in the sand and turf and prancing about in heels at night, it's with some frustration at self that I notice upon returning to work that I reach for the boring boots, the even more boring boots and some other regular shoes that are comfortable.
This is not on. This spells descent into not caring (the bad hair is enough, must go sort out). So drastic measures are required. I cannot throw shoes away, obviosuly, but I can make a cull and consign the offendig ie. easy ones, to a box in the storage tunnel, or to be sure in the actual storage miles away from the abode. This way I can only use them when I'm really old (assuming I have no money then or not enough money to salvage old person's shoes from charity shops). But better still if I move to Mexico or Mumbai, then I don't need any of them at all. One thing I am very envious of is the reduced wardrobes of my friends in Yucatan. Sure they need heavy stuff for when they go to Canada, China, London and so on (regularly enough), but they stick to one puffa jacket and a few sweaters and some bad weather shoes, the rest of their wardrobe is sparse as does not need to contain all the never ending winter and rain stuff we have. Additionally they're not very camp gay men so they really get by with t-shirts, shorts and some trainers and man bags. Am very jealous.

24 November - Chav's Choice

I have lost my solitary (well I have one team member of the 'we hate Uggs' band but we're not organised enough to start a movement) battle against Ugg boots. It seems their new shops were besieged by buyers. I still find it hard not to grimace when I come across an Ugg wearing person, whether I know her or not. I grimace, I kid you not, it's a pavlovian response.
It's bad enough that zillions of credit challenged teenagers have been wearing the knock offs from neu look and the likes but now their older sisters are thronging to buy the real thing, especially as you can find the real ones at low prices on market stalls here and there.

I was mulling this over and then it hit me that as usual the curve for a brand to get established is between 2 to 3 years. In the sense that when the first people to wear them did, they were some music industry/fashion trendssetters bringing them back from their travels and a mere couple of xmas later they're on many lists.
Then I thought that much as a brand owner may be ecstatic to make the fast buck, he may well also worry when his product is embraced across various strata.
I don't have to fight the Uggs, becasue the fact they've become Chav's Choice will see to their disappearance. I give them till the summer and next Autumn I won't see any more though the bastards are offering new designs and bags to match and probably hats. yeah, go the way of burberry check. Burberry seem to have almost completely eliminated!

I realised I tagged this post 'shoes' but they're slippers really...

23 May - Shoes & Grannies

This post is inspired by a Belgian uber rocking mama. I thought she was cool when I met her, then I thought she was even cooler when she told me she'd found some lovely second hand clothes one morning in her hometown, but by the time she'd pushed her toddler's stroller 5km (yes 5km) along a road to visit her sister, she discovered that one of the boots she's bought, the one lovely low slung flat tan pirate boots with tassels she'd alwasy wanted and never bought... was missing. Having paid 2€ for them... she'd lost 1€ but she was in love with them already.

I asked why she didn't go back along the road for it but she quite rightly said she was tired that day and the little one was hungry. She did contemplate putting up signs in shops nearby ... The next day though she was still mourning it, so she actually pestered and pressured her sister into going INTO the Louis Vuitton + Hermes store to ask if they hadn’t found her old trashy old boot as her car was initially parked right there. They treated her like a dog of course.

Then I discovered that uber rocking mama's mum holds clues to her pedigree. When I asked why couldn't granny babysit whilst we go to Ibiza for a long w/end, I was told that she was busy that w/end.
'Granny is probably jumping out of an aeroplane or rock climbing or something… No seriously; after she walked the pilgrimage) on her own 3 years ago from France to Santiago de Compostella in Spain ( 6 weeks), she is now volunteering in one of the refuges en route and that is from August, 1 – August, 21. She loves her grandson of course and is always asking to babysit but she also has a Life with capital L. She has more guts and adventure in her bones than any of us. She just went mountain biking for 5 days near the Mosel in Germany and is literally getting on a plane in 30minutes to go explore Prague. We (the kids) have to beg her each time to please please not hitchhike anymore. And we remind her she was born 1945 and that she should act a LITTLE bit like her age…

So you see, she was my cool idol. Until I spoke to my friend R. who at the w/end was taking her 90 years old aunt to a shopping trip in Brent Cross as she's still mobile and likes to go out. Auntie said there was a song she heard on the radio and wanted to get. After a little bit of description and humming, R. worked out that auntie liked Adele's tune. So off they went to HMV to purchase the album.

Can that be topped? Sure it would have been more amazing if she'd asked to buy the new Marilyn Manson but still....

Way to go.

21 May - Flats & Heels

I’ve clearly shocked my girlfriend G. with the simplest of phone exchanges.
‘So what did Toph get you?’
I list a bunch of things, this and that and that ‘And something I can’t mention…’
‘Oh, a vibrator?’
‘No darling have those already, no, something I’ll tell you some other time after the event, but he also got me a lovely pair of shoes’.
‘Oh darling, Loubutins?’
‘No, Clarks.’
There is a long silence whilst she processes the information which clearly doesn’t compute. So I add:
‘I asked for them, they’re cute, white, with crossover straps and buckles and I wanted them for travels, as I don’t do trainers and I think flip flops are for the beach and these can work with trousers or a dress, though they’re a bit nursey comfy what can you do, I can’t do Liz Hurley high heels on the cobblestones or Ravello or Taormina, I’d fall over’

But yes, it happens, mystique ebbs away and you get… comfortable. I’m sure I’ll look ok and will only use them in emergencies. Plus Toph is genuinely finding them sexy. Deep down he likes a girl in a vest (an Urban Outfitters one was included in his gifts), jeans and flat shoes. That’s what I get for having Carrie Bradshaw as my spiritual guide… a guy who likes girls the likes of which don’t even figure in that show. Ever. Or maybe they’re the waitresses, the studenty ones in the caffs, not the done up to the nines ones in the clubs. But hey… I should take it as an omen that he won’t mind too much the progression to retirement home attire that will assail me oh, in thirty years or so. He loves smart too but is just happier out of smart. Justifies him wearing his favourite faded t-shirts. I once had a boyfriend who was always in casuals and blurted out 'How can you go out with a scruff like me?'. To which the only reply was 'Your huge penis darling, oh, and your intellect'.

However, what I fail to tell G. is that the following day, I went into Clarks again and got a pair of cute red flat sort of Todd’s style driving shoes. Just to walk to work you understand…. And they have a cute grosgrain bow that I can change for a velvet one of a different colour if I want to match them to some other outfit.

To be honest I was surprised at how mobbed the shop was. They all seemed Spaniards and Italians in there. I wonder why. Maybe they don’t do Clarks or comfy shoes in those countries. But surely they do? Or maybe Geoxx are too expensive? It has to be said that the range was reasonably modern in design. Oh there I go again, trying to justify rubber shoes.

Oh dear, just had a thought. In some 'Summer/travel clothes' storage box, I have two pairs of air Nike sole design flat shoes bought in HK when I was thinking the same thougth 'Need some plain and stylish flats to use on holiday /go to work'. Both are black. So now I have four brand new flats to go to work with, plus all the other crappy flats that these are meant to supersede - you know, the silly ballerinas you buy here and there when your feet hurt and you dive into any shop. So, two things here, memory fading, and the worrisome trend for admiring/purchasing flats. The thing that's even worse is that I often get into work and fail to swap them for the heels and spend the day in them. Which is plainly wrong as my clothes don't match flats on the whole. I need to re-progam back to the 'younger me'.

23 April - Rain & Shoes

Nothing, just a quick observation that my work diary has been throwing up the following reminder for a month: 'Get summer shoes out'. Of their storage that is. Yes, I keep wardrobes separate as to have all on show/at hand, would turn the dwelling into a car boot sale.

But the reason why every day I click 'dismiss' on the reminder is that... DO YOU SEE ANY SUMMER SHOES WEATHER OUT THERE?
It's beginning to get me down, and am nothing ifnot a positive type of gal.

29 February - Ski Shoes

Have not written about shoes for a while because I’ve been reasonably dull and I seem to travel in a pair of cute but boring Clarks ankle boots (yes, the horror, but from A to B on the tube and buses they’re soft and bouncy) and have been to precious few parties requiring better cobbled feet.

But there is always a shoe drama lurking. This week it’s being unable to find my après ski boots which were bought in a sale 2 years ago at very competitive price and never used as when I skied last year I borrowed my mother’s and returned them to her. They were a funny colour anyway, some kind of green that doesn't match anything and I’d rather have mine, black goes with everything stylee. But now… mine are nowhere to be found. I have turned various places upside down as am a gypsy with three residencies, four if you count the boot of the car, and yes, am too mean to purchase them again. Oh what to do? Any offers, am a size 5. Kings Cross tomorrow morning at 10.45 before I get me to Geneva. Thanks

11 November - Shoes, well Boots in fact

A lucky day is one where you visit an old friend who happens to have your same shoe size and who usually gives you nice hand me downs of clothes and in the past you have thought, wish she also gave me shoes and handbags but must not be greedy. Well this time she’s clearing out winter boots. Many. All seem hardly worn and that’s because she bought them but they weren’t quite right, maybe one hurt a little here, one hurt a little there and so she keeps buying them, the shapes are very similar, so is the heel height etc. But hey, even with my not so perfect feet as well documented here, the girl has bunions and wider feet than the rest of her justifies, (am not quite Frodo but you know, I’d have preferred Audrey Hepburn’s feet, am sure they were dainty or maybe not as she did ballet), my friend’s boots all fit perfectly.

I’m five pairs richer, and I left two or three behind. One was too sporty a pair and one had a zip that was a bit tight though now that I reflect on the fact they were nearly new Jill Sander I could kill myself. My friend doesn’t look at brands much but I always make the assumption that if it’s a ‘label’, then the designer had more of a duty of care towards me the consumer and there is a threshold of quality below which the item would simply not get made….. Though a pair is Costume Nationale and there’s nothing to denote superior quality or differentials from the pairs that are half the price. Oh and a pair is a sort of brown with a hint of purple that I particularly like.

The fact that on the same day I lost my spectacles left behind on a plane and I now have to fork out the usual £200/250 for the pleasure of another pair is somehow assuaged. Ie. am not crying hot tears of frustration.

9 October - Snakes, Sex & Boots

I send an email to a g/friend I haven’t heard from in a while. In her reply she says (amongst other things) ‘I dreamt about a snake - that became 2 snakes and Dom (someone she’s not seen in years) was in it... he was coming for a shag and I'd put in a cap (!) and then he went away (sans shag) saying ‘You know I'm married now....’ Then the snakes appeared and then became 2...What does it all mean?

I reply ‘It means you want s ex v. badly (but no babies) and in both ways.. ha ha ha, two snakes... '

So it’s my turn to tell her about my dream. I dreamt about boots. Was in a shop with older woman poss. my mother. It's a fantastic shop and sale is on and she said boots were all £12. Unreal! Of course not all in the right sizes, but managed to squeeze in two fab pairs size, 4 which these days is too small for me, but I'll suffer gladly again.
At the till was told it was not £12 but £170. By this time fallen in love so bought one pair, put the other one down. I can see it in my head, flat ones for a change in softest black and green leather, which is odd as I’d never mix colours...Then I go home on the bicycle and I realise they gave me someone else's bag. In it are 4 pairs of boots, all in my size, wonder why didn't see those in shop. Don't know what to do as other person has my preferred boots but now I have 4 instead of 1! I do know that even if I don't phone the shop to say ‘Er.. I've got her boots’, she may have phoned to say about the swap so I will have to give them back but for now am tempted to keep the boot bonanza. What does it mean???

My girlfriend replies : ':)))) you want it all ways, in boots, out of boots, high heeled, flats – every which way! ha ha No, I dont know, but its very interesting - if you find a dream analysis website let me know.'

She continues…’Talking of boots - I bought a pair of Stella Mc's - outrageously high, outrageously expensive. Agonised for hours in the shop in Milan and know will only be able to wear them 4 or 5 times - but in the end vanity won. Hurrah.’

And goes on to tell me about various podiatry problems she’s discovered and may need some surgery on nodules. So you see, my dream was prescient that my good friend needed sole advice.

8 July - Shoes, Scarpe, Chaussures

Ok, so I took 13 pairs for 10 days. Is that a crime? I'm almost tempted not to count flip flops and ballerinas, they're not really shoes. I actually went easy on them as I thought I may purchase another pair or two locally but I never saw any that truly blew me away and also thought ‘the sales are on when I get back’, so I practice some self-denial. But as I got to Hotel #4 I couldn’t find a pair and mourned them for a day and night. It simply wasn’t worth finding out where I left them and organise to have them sent on. But the following day I eventually found them – the case is not that large but they had mimetically hidden in their black shoe bag and I didn’t see them though had rooted around several times, I think I mentioned elsewhere that it’s a habit of mine not to take out much from my case and hang it, even if am staying somewhere for a week. I just prefer to be ready to bolt.

I was so happy – even declaring the cheap little wooden hi-heels purchased a few years back in Rio ‘my favourite beach shoes’ on account of the fact that they are comfortable and I can walk in them all day if I can bear to hear the sound they make on the pavement. Brazil made high heels I find, are always comfortable, something to do with braz girls wearing them 24/7 so they better be right. So I wore them the whole day in my short shorts and vest. Diplomatically the BF had answered the ‘Be honest, can I wear these shorts or does the cellulite really show?’ with ‘You can get away with them’ (these days the subtext is always ‘you look good …. for your age darling’. He even helpfully pointed out that the dimples are only at the top of my thighs, close to my ass, thus appearing to not notice at all the knees I hate and the fat around the knees I specifically hate. Fair enough. I’ll wait till I see the photographs to feel bad again and console myself with the ‘at least there’s no paparazzi to splash my body shortcomings on those ‘look at her, isn’t she awful like the rest of us’ articles. I mean, it happens regularly to Meg Matthews non?
The lesson here is that if you ever feel deprived of new items of clothing, you simply hide /pretend to have lost some for a day or two and when you are re-united with them, it’s like they’re new and therefore extra valuable to you and you’ll love them so much. You can sort of achieve the same effect if you never move in with your BF and so half your wardrobe is always elsewhere (though this is mostly cause of angst) and sometimes you forget bunches of clothes altogether

21 March - Singing & Prancing Ho's

What not to do when you’re feeling bloated and therefore ugly and therefore useless. Do not look at myspace pages of various young singers and backing vocalists and models of various calibre who all seem to be 19 or 21 on their profiles. And especially if they’re cute and black and you happen to believe some of your best male friends and associates find them irresistible. Which they are. They all seem to display that kind of attitude/clothes that if displayed by a white girl makes her a total whore, whereas because it seems to go with the hip hop culture being a hoe there is somehow not so bad. Actually it’s ok on stage, but am sure Beyonce’ doesn’t actually walk the streets of North London looking like a street cocksucker. Never mind. Just pray my utterly charming 3 goddaughters who already display vocal talent and gymnastic talent, will pose in this fashion for their publicity/work soliciting pages.

So there they are, all these young chicks, some vocal talent and a lot more booty talent to display. And tits. Hardly ever see a tit zero size in black. Thing is, back when I was 22 maybe there were those who thought ‘I’ll just use my looks and see where that gets me.’ Models have always existed and the variation on what the term covers as well. But not in such abundance or so it seems with the advent of all these ‘click and you open up more options’ websites. Back then I had the idea and so had lots of other women I went to college with, that we should have something more tangible to use than just looks. And so we held back on anything that would have not meant we were not getting it because of some intrinsic value. Sure that still left plenty of opportunity for manipulation by older and wiser males, it’s kind of hard to be ahead of them. You think grandfather who’s interviewing you is displaying some grandfatherly mannerisms, when the old perv is just perving in fact, but that’s not too dangerous, just… unnecessary.

Now I think we were just idiots. We should have done what these girls are doing dancing by the pool in their skimpiest thongs whilst the ugly bloke in the song gives it all his best macho posturing – though I usually I can’t take macho posturing from guys who I know have sat patiently for hours whilst their womenfolk have corn-rowed their hair. You know… they’re a big girl prepared to suffer for vanity.
Yep, today’s post displays some bitterness over having aged wanting to be equal when in fact being just a bit of fluff works in exactly the same way. I mean these girls will never make it to secretary of state but then neither did I or any of my Phd carrying girlfriends. And of course I can’t sing. So darn, am annoyed about that too.

18 May - susie & the boots

Today I am going to write the diary in the shoes of one of my friend’s best friends. Susie is an ex large film company employee, now a part time graphic designer. She is married to banker Louis who still harbours the desire to be a famous DJ and in fact indulges his fantasy by owning super decks and peripheral equipment in both his houses (Richmond and Ibiza), complete with chill out zone and a ‘you’re the greatest’ captive audience when the couple give parties. He’s not bad, but really, it’s all a bit silly. They gave 2 children aged 5 and 2 and lately holiday regularly in their beautiful house in Ibiza which took 2 years to get ready to their very high standards. They did find out though that with the kids it was not the same as in the 90’s when they could go to Pete Tong’s house and stay out all weekend. They also found out that they still wanted to go somewhere else, like for example to one of those bizarre hyper-reality (or outer?) resorts like Dubai. And yes, for £800 a night, you do manage to relax I guess.

Louis is so designer obsessed he has been known to fly to Milan to buy a pair of leather thigh high Max Mara boots for the wife when the shops in London said they wouldn’t be getting any in stock. He then instantly fucked her the moment she wore them. Not bad after seven years married. He buys most of her clothes. The downside is that Susie can’t buy anything that Louis wouldn’t like and when they shop together she basically acts like an in house model and he makes her parade up and down wearing the stuff in the shop and he can take up to 40 minutes to chose a …belt. He also tends to dress her a bit young for her age but the glossies are full of so called yummy mummies and that must be the peer group.

So today Susie would say: woke up this morning feeling very unwell but Louis insisted I do my exercises, in fact bullied me and mentioned I have put on an ounce on my hips since last week. He likes to watch me doing them even more so since the boob job. Long needed in his view, you can’t have a boyish, no-hips figure and also be blessed with natural big breasts. No, impossible. Only exists on Barbie dolls, which if we had daughters instead of sons he would buy in those limited editions lines dressed by JP Gaultier etc. Before he left the nanny and the cleaner arrived and took the kids off me. Thank god, little Ben is uncontrollable these days and just fixing breakfast tired me out. Went to my studio on the top floor of the house and thought of a few ideas. Now that both the London and Ibiza houses are finished and so are the respective landscaped gardens, I need a new project, maybe something commercial for a client. Will call my old contacts at BBH and see if there’s anything to outsource. Still, what they pay wouldn’t keep me in designer summer sandals but Louis said not to worry as his bonus this year is in millions. Though the houses mopped up most of what we had to spare. You’ve seen the CH4 programme about the London house? I thought the production company would pay us some money but they don’t these days and they make you look a bit of an idiot with the editing. I came across as a bit of a blonde airhead and my friends know it’s not true. Must phone Lisa and see if she’s still researching her company’s competitors’ websites this week. Very dull, she’s a bit down about it. Wish could give her some of my cast offs, still pretty new, but she’s not a size 6. On second thoughts we don’t wear the same style. Mine has to be sort of Victoria Beckham, that’s what Louis likes (he would probably like me to have one more son, though thank god ours don’t have stupid names). Lisa thinks that’s trashy and overpriced for adding a few studs and sequins to tops, mini skirts, jeans and boots and shoes and handbags. She thinks anyone who wears D&G or Cavalli is a frustrated and talentless rockstar and well, she’s got it right there with Vicks Beckham. Lisa is more of a Bluemarine /Chanel/Valentino/Marc Jacobs type but she can’t afford them, though she does well with thrift store bargains. Anyway, best get back to some sketching though it’s nearly time for my hair appointment. Hope she’s not late, we have guests for dinner.