Diary of Lisa Taylor, reluctantly 42 (and a half)

Or.. 'f.ck me I'm forty.. two.. and a half', though can look 38 on a - not so deluded - good day. Or 'How to reconcile a well experienced mind trapped in a still - but for how long? – youthful body.' Don't have the 30somethings angst/problems, neither have the resigned (?) ageing baby-boomers in safe family territory outlook yet. Here's how I cope, one day all sexy women will get old... but never invisible. © Lisa Taylor 2005/6/7/8/9. Jeez.. so much for the 42 and-a-half delusion

Friday, February 27, 2009

27 February - LA La LAnd

I'm off to LA for a week, lucky me, though I'd feel luckier if I was stillf friendly with JC who I have not seen for years (friend of a friend) and who turns out to have been in charge of producton on Milk, with name well featured in credits. Ok, so I'm in the minority who thought the film was boring /lacked pace but hey, I'd go for a drink if it lead to some hollywood stories. Never mind, I shall have the pleasure of lover #1 who has been away for 3 long weeks already and who may cure my mood from the slump it's fallen into due no doubt to lack of serotonin release.
I have about a dozen previous posts in draft format and no time to fix them right now. Don't ya know I do actually have a job and sometimes it's demanding despite the fact that I always say it's a breeze. So had no time but check in again and if I haven't drowned in the apartment pool or suffered botox disfigurement at the hands ot some Beverley Hills weird practictioner I will fix those posts and press 'publish' at some point.

Friday, February 20, 2009

21 Februray - LA maybe that will do it

And lift the glum. Though I have failed to do what I often suggests to other friends down in the dumps ie. read a few pages of Candide a day and you know, get over it.
The BF has booked me a flight as I didn't sound too stable on the phone lately. To be honest I'd rather go skiing than go to LA, been there done that and much as with recent visit in NY, I don't have anything to get by going there, though of course will be super pleased to hang with bestest friend PM and maybe see San Diego friend TC, and have dinner with ex wife of best friend who's now dating talkshow owner/producer and so on but apart from a bit of warmth and the BF's supersized bed he keeps talking about, being glum in general means you don't get that excited about this trip either. I am such an ungrateful sod right now...

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19 February - Kidneys & Other spares

A friend writes she's having to have gallstones out which is a relief as she'd previously thought she had stomach cancer it was major stabbing pain. I didn't realise you can be any age and have the bastards. Good luck to her.
It sets me thinking about health. Well, I do a lot of that already. But this is one that puzzles me. Kidneys are hard to come by, and it's illegal to buy or sell them in most coutries for obvious reasons as in some countries you don't have to be willing to give one up for some crim to take it off you. But, in all countries there's a major scarcity.

Now, wouldn't it be a great idea if in a recession such as now with people losing jobs left right and centre, the government was to put a price on one, say £50k and encourage all to come forward. Hey presto, the entire waiting list for this organ would disappear and the people about to lose a house to the banks, would be able to front the mortgage. Clearly one should not be allowed to sell family member's kidneys, you'd have to be 21 years old and have it all explained properly before you sign a consent but think about it?

Mine is going... if anybody wants one, and is a match, get in touch. The liver I'd say is 100k. Non smoker, non drinker, really a bargain.

But seriously, I do believe in organ donor after death fore example but am told that in many cases despite a person having expressed the wish and carrying the card, the family can still oppose and stop this? Unbelievable.

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18 February - Sothebys & Christies

I’ve come across a cache of Sotheby’s and Christies catalogues mostly to do with modern art and twenty odd to do with jewellery. My oh what a pastime I’ve found. I was going to donate them to charity (ha! Oxfam browsers can dream too) but decided to keep at work to divert my mind from daily crap and toil.

It’s mind boggling what’s out there, already sold once or several times over and not even in the shops. Sobering though to see the list of sellers, lots of dead women...
You really can’t take it with you….But in some cases the stuff had already been donated to charities who are putting up for sale to get next year's rent perhaps. It is truly all artificial the value put on precious stones but my what craftmanship and of course anything you see in any high end or swarowsky shop is a copy/change on something that was around a few hundreds years ago. Of course never occurred to me that anything new is never new in this area as well.

16 February - Estate Agents lie

What was I thinking? Of course. I happen to be looking after the affairs of a friend who's away for work. I check the website where the agents have uploaded photos of his property and the floor plan. Let's just say that I know the flat intimately so it's glaringly obvious that two rooms that are the same length when I walk in them and are now on the floorplan one foot short than the other stand out. And that the overall size seems larger than my own property which I sort of know extremely well.

So I dig out the floorplan of when he bought the flat many years ago, probably before laser measurements bouncing off walls and there it is. The room sizes are different. There's one extra thing to do ie. take the tape measure out and be scientific about it myself. Yep, all in all Foxtons, for this is them, have made the flat they're sellling much larger, not a room larger but a bathroom larger at least. I point it out to my friend saying it benefits him as the seller but a buyer would be mortified and get his ok to contact Foxtons and get them to alter accordingly. BLOODY CHEEK. And to think I bought something recently and never thought of actually countermeasuring it all for myself, believing in the bullshit about accurate readings of the laser gizmo. Idjot!

I mention to a friend in the property trade ie. has small portfolio and he can't stop ranting about Foxtons, didn't realise they do what mr Tesco's and Mr Sainsbury's do in squeezing out anyone else in order to have a lovely little cartel of One that makes all the prices in an area and controls their levels because with no competition left, that's what happens right? All I knew was that they overprice wildly. Probably to then give buyer the stupid psychologic feel good factor of offering much less and getting offer accepted. I can't believe 2 of us are contributing to this company's profit. I can get him to drop them but must read the small print first.

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14 February - Semantics

I emailed someone at work and told her I wanted a sentence changed and that it was just a matter of semantics that bothered me. Then I thought I better be right and went to check the meaning to be sure and boy how much there is to read!

I know well 5 out of the following, I guess around another 3 or 4 and have no clue about the rest (I did not study greek btw so that doesn't help): homonymy, synomymy, polysemy, paronyms, hypernymy, hyponymy,meronymy, metonymy, holonymy, exocentricy, endocentricity, linguistic compounds.

And I didn't know about the 100 years long back and forth argument that the Indians had about. words as indicators and not carriers of meaning. Never ever heard of vyakarana trdtition.
As for all the philosophers and theorists of words mentioned, approx 40, I truly only know very, very few, like, er... 3 and I could not reel off their theories, but just about place them in the correct part of a century. It made for a great half hour marvelling at how much I'd have loved to study this shit. But then it would have to be all I know as my head would explode.

I then read an article/caption on some photo by Wim Wenders who talks about his inspirations and I did better here, I recognise/know a few of these people's work, Salgao and so on. But it was equally depressing.

You just have to accept you'll never know diddly squat out of your main areas of interest or job that provides your livelihood and if you're not obsessive really there aren't enough hours in the day or night to delve into much else unless you're a bloke in which case you may just about manage as you're not dealing with laundry/shopping for food/cleaning/cooking/house admin/social life for all family organising/holidays sorting out etc etc. Yep, I still have a downer on how throught he centuries men who are not out toiling fields have more contemplative hours in the day than women. I even forgot child rearing above. How could I? Well I did because that was my main reason for the no motherhood decision. I did want to have some hours in the day.

But i should be talking Valentine stuff right? Well semantics are here too. What constitutes the meaning of Valentine, when did it even enter the lexicon and are there any Valentine deniers etc etc.

I'll have a good time. We've moved on from the first year when a certain someone was so utterly nervous and backward looking that to gain time he delved into his record collection and dared to play an Art Ensemble of Chicago record to me fuming on the sofa in my heightened sexual expectation status. Bless. Love him for that. In retrospect it may have been a deliberate test. I handled it well and didn't march over to hi fi all aggressive stance and broke the cd in two.

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Thursday, February 12, 2009

13 February - Stars and their...

Just a tiny bit of gossip from friend in LA for work on a TV series involving stars. Seems Susan Sarandon for all that she projects ethical caring, can't be arsed to remember the names of anyone in a small production team travellng with her. Or rather she, by the end of second week, remembered the name of one cameraman but that was it. Not nice Susie.

And Dustin Hoffman for all his chumminess with London cabbies, in the end did not have a programme made with him as he requires private jet to fly him here and there and the generous budget did not stretch to that. Talking of jets, I heard a good one. Of course in the downturn certain masters of the universe have been told that they'll have to relinquish the company jet and travel first class. The horror. So the ruse is, the private jets are being put up for sale but, considering the glut in the market you'd think prices are cheap right? Not so. The clever thing is to put them for sale at a really uncompetitive high price so they don't sell and in the meantime you know, why not use them, they're just sitting there on the tarmac. I'm not naming any names but it could be the same people who're mighty sorry that Claridges is no longer the company preferred hotel when they come to London. The poor dears have to make do with other hotels nearby.... Hey, wankers, it's a public bar at Claridges, you can still go show off there for a drink.

But back to TV. SJP was very nice (seems she has some relative that was killed in the Salem witch trials back whenever) but wore the same outfit throughout the few days of filming. I think the crew were expecting Patricia Field styling but maybe SJP away from Carrie just wears comfy stuff. Plus the woman looks like a train's hit her now hubby has left for the coffee shop waitress. And Mr Big has gone to have a kid with his oriental g/friend and seems very happy indeed.

12 February - Treatments & 1 in 5

Am having a particularly dull period where, uncharacteristically pour moi, I feel ugly, oh and old. Just to give you an exmample I have changed location of work thus necessitating a new pass/photo to access the building. I have a temporary one and have to exchange it for a real one with photo. Well, a few days have gone past and am still going without as every day I plan to sort myself out for said portrait and everyday I reach the conclusion that am ugly. Clearly this is an overall depressive trend that had never plagued me before.

Only a few weeks ago I was looking at those ads with Ruby Wax or Stephen Fry telling you that 1 in 4 people has dandruff and 1 in 5 people has mental problems (or the other way round) and therefore encouraging you to be more understanding. Well, I certainly thought that enough people around me have the so called mental problems, there's enough bankers I know and their mental problems in fucking it all up for the rest have been detailed enought, but I certainly didn't know I had any until now and negative self image all of a sudden has to be a warning light.

So, since a g/friend has had very good results with laserlipo with aspiration on her stomach, and since the bf is away for long enough not to have to witness the Bridget Jones girdles one has to wear post deliberate trauma to body or see the extensive bruising that will accompany said procedure, what better than to surf the net for info and price comparisons. G/friend had hers done in Kensington, I found one in Harpenden considerably cheaper and pretty snazzy credentials for the surgeon/doctor so why not. My plan in these shifting times of downturn and barter is to ask Kensington practice to match the out of London price or else I take my business elsewhere. I'll keep you posted as I think that particular borough is still very in denial so I may well have to take the train north of Luton.

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9 February - Mia

It's all about context. When we went to see Mia one late friday night months ago at a gig by the elephant and castle, Toph couldn't wait to run away. He hated the venue, the crowd, the songs/noise. This is despite running into Bjork's manager on way in which surely spells this artist is worth watching.

Now he likes Paper Plane used in Slumdog Millionaire. Which made me think that in life a good 50% has to be out context. And having had this clever insight I can't back it up with anything though as my mind has gone blank.

I blame my geographical shift to a place of doom deep in the heart of greed city.

7 February - White & Cream & Taupe

Taupe did not exist when I was growing up. I don't think I ever heard of this colour. I'd have called it a boring sub standard bastard hybrid of camel and uh, not sure what's in there? is it purple? grey?

Anyway I was with C. and we were in Ledbury rd. and she dragged me into this shop, can't remember the name but it's next to diane von furstenberg. It was full of white, cream, beige, honey, taupe, caramel, froth and a few other block colours. Well blue and black and maybe brown. There must have been some grey there too. And sold lots of items you'd find in a hotel room I guess. Or in the malibu house of boring Jennifer Aniston.

I want to know who decided these are the colours of a sophisticated life? Since when is the donna karan wannabe life the life we want here? I like plain colours and I like white because it spells clean but I only have to go past a White Company or for one of their catalogues to drop off a magazine to feel repelled by the john pawsoness of it all. I was thinking that if a non wasp type person was brought into those shops they'd think someone died (white is the colour of death in part of the east. I'm not sure about Africa) or they'd think a very dull person lives in a house all cashmere toffee throws and slippers. I'm all for textures but I'd rather live in a Chinese fabric store room than in this nordic twilight mushiness of colours.

Rant over.

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Thursday, February 05, 2009

5 February - 9th Symphony & Void

Clearly it is too optimistic to hope for this wave of despondency to disperse on some shore. If you're ever having negative thougths about anything and you get your period then they'll multiply and drown you. Men probably don't have this added... what's the opposite of bonus?

Going to see Beethoven's Ninth probably also doesn't help. The boyfriend asked me if I found it moving? I was speechless. So he said 'rousing?' and I gave him that. The mood I'm in I find everything pointless and irritating and if Mahler thought he was going to be helpful in re-writing it, so be it. The rapturous applause Mr Jarvi got for his contained conducting seems to point to the fact I was the only morose person there but to stay on the subject of the hands, if you can't use them, you can't drive? You can't wash? Eventually I mean. At which point can I start claiming some sort of disability benefit? And what do the hands represent in those interpretations of ailments/illnesses? Is this punishment for having grabbed or failed to grab something, some opportunity?

Yesterday I was probably one of the rare people who completed on a new property in London and since it's been a rotten journey, all friend were congratulating me. But being in a foul mood means that when you get the keys, you can't even be bothered to go take a look. I didn't. A friend who's a care worker for mad people told me that on the monday of the massive NOT snowfall, she was the only one living near the care home and as such was phoned by her boss who ordered that she goes to some housing estate and check on a patient whose own care worker couldn't reach. L. went off slipping and sliding as she doesn't own snow shoes of any kind. When she got there the patient refused to answer the door and just barked at her to go away. I said in which way bark? And L. did me a convincing impersonation of a barking talking dog. Which was hilarious but also poignant as that's exactly how I feel like talking today in fuck off barks. To anyone and everyone. And I'm not even in a home yet.

Poor Toph is about to depart for not so sunny LA for weeks on end and his last impression of girlfriend will be an angry dog. Hardly what we need. He needs to depart on an image of utter loveliness so he'll miss me and behave himself at pool parties in the Hollywood hills. I have 48 hours to sort the mood thing out. But how?

ps was a surprise though to run into former upstairs neighbour at the 9th. He's a hairy hippy young man who plays in a psychedelic folk band. Plays the piano so perhaps he's classically trained and hence he digs Beethoven. I didn't ask.

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4 February - Handjobs

I have some plans ffor stuff I want to do after I'm 50. I always go on and on about pepole (our parents, older relatives) who were going to do this and that after they retired, only to be cut down by illnesses and other unexpected turns which mean their treasured plans have not just to be postponed but simply cannot happen any more.

I can think of nothing worse than not being able to do something I've given a lot of thought about and loaded with desire, so I thought I was being smart in not leaving said things to after I've retired and that in choosing 50 (50 is the new 40 and all that), I was on course.

Ah, but not so. It seems that you really can't second guess ageing. I've recently had one of those top to toe medicals and was very pleased with myself (as indeed I was two years ago) when told that nothing much had changed and everything was working well. Of course I knew of a few things that don't pertain to that medical, ie you know the bunions that will have to be addressed, the carpal tunnel (both hands)that was addressed last year with small surgery, the eyesight dimming and so on. And all that other horrid gunky mess that will be the menopause.

So stone me if I could have predicted that other simple, small things could come between me and my 50 something plans. Right now I have a right forearm that's pretty much constantly in pain and I don't think it's tendonitis. I also have a left thumb that's in pain (no reason, I didn't get it caught in anything) and that can take no pressure, so for example pressing together 2 of those popping buttons on a coat has to be done w/o the left thumb involvement. It means you can't hold down a carrot tht you want to slice with your right hand and you certainly can't do any press ups or downward dogs. It's only a thumb but w/o you you're screwed.

Am yet to go to a specialist about it (GP gave anti-inflammatory ages ago that does not a jolt of difference to either thumb or arm) and so am not yet sure if this will be swiftly cured, but the point is, if it can't (have taken to carrying shopping bags in crook of arm) then what of my plans. I mean, they do involve some rock climbing in the himalayas after all or rowing a boat or carrying my own suitcase or rucksack. Withouth hands you're pretty screwed and you or your man are never going to get a handjob again. He can still get a blowjob but what about me if he's not around?

So there you go. I am now sitting here thinking that those plans should just be carried out when you're 40 at the most. Maybe it's already too late. Maybe not only will you look stupid in a stupid outfit at Burning Man but you won't even be able to take yourself there... I'm in an extremely bad mood about all this. Of course I can still type about it and bore you but if I could thunder like a Greek god I'd urge all ye young people reading this, if there are any, to just go do mad things NOW and never wait under the weight of responsibilities to jobs, family and so on. Just go.

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2 February - Quartet & Curry

Now, how many times has the Noor Jahan in Brompton Road been our local for the curry club (founder members Vindaloo Vic and D. ?). Many indeed. It's by far not the best curry and the service is dopey but location was handy.

So why, oh why, oh why were we not there the night Brangelina & Robert Downey Jr were there? Claudia Schiffer and Matthew Vaughn were also in the party but we don't care about them. He's got to have the singularly worst looking case of going bald on top I've ever seen and she has never done anything for us, she has a sort of mouth/teeth/smile that fits a ten year old and looks migthy odd on a grown up.

But yes, we were not there. Would have cheered Vic up no end since his tragic discovery he has developed diabetes and he's been banned from wine FOREVER. Not a good thing to have to deal with at 50 odd. I told him to say he's in rehab which is more interesting than I have diabetes but he's not keen.