4 December - Doctor & Advice

I meet an ex lover before who has relocated to some small town near Brisbane and is in town briefly to collect partner and child and bring them to the large house on stilts surrounded by nature ie insects and snakes but he won't care, he'll be at some nerve centre of a hospital directing helicopters into the bush and so on.

I talk about some recent loss of libido as you do, he's a doctor, and the fact that I believe that if you stop having sex at a fairly frequent pace, you may as well watch your relationship die. Doctor reminds me that men are visual creatures, you just have to wear blah and blah happens. Which is not what my GP had said, he was more along the lines of us being ahead of our actual evolution and having to do stuff when in fact a mere few hundred years ago we'd be dead and buried at the age this starts to happen. Thanks!

S. mentions 'the little tartan skirt' I wore on occasions of our trysts and gets an erection! We're in a 'soup for you' type cafe, so he just smiles and says Down boy down as they say so I start asking him about crocs in rivers and we move on. But he's right. Never admit to the possible problem rearing its head, just go out and buy the usual mini club dance outfit for Toph and make him happy. Happy to share.

20 December - Le sex c'est chic

Occasionally I should pay tribute to the boy who provides me with everyday good humour, fun and sex. I keep thinking this cannot be right and surely it should be a downard spiral with relationships waning in intensity but Toph seems to climb new heights as we go along. So thank you darling for exceptional standards of sexy time (to put it like Borat). And thank you to my best friend who always gets it right with gifts (yes, I have already opened her xmas gift). This time she gave me what is clearly a very stoosh and elegant piece of beachwear that can double up as evening wear. But upon removing it from the package to show Toph, I could see his eyes light up and thought, but of course! Nightwear!!
Clearly I should wear tops slashed to the waist more often. Or to the back too since my back is a major turn on to him. Let's just say that though black is a bit of cliche' colour for him in the bedroom and he prefers kaleidoscopic missoni style mixtures, this top paid for itself ten timesfold (well it was a gift so even better).
As you know I go a little coy when it's about my exploits with the boyfriend, so I have to leave it there. But darling, bring it on!

22 October - Sofa so Good

It may be one of my cheapest items of furniture I ever purchased (£240) but I can recommend the XXX sofa from the Pier. It took a while to persuade Toph that this would do for now (he was busy looking at £1500plus from Habitat and I'm like 'no no no, this one costs less than a pair of shoes, let's try it, we chuck it in a few months if it doesn't work'.

Turns out that the colour is a perfect match for the carpet and hence blends in, makes room bigger blah blah, but it's also very comfortable and firm. As firm as my boy who took no time in finally realising why I wanted a sofa with no awkward armrests or cushions and long enough to lie on it horizontally. Just as well that I'm practical enough to come sit down armed with convenient throw that saved new upholstery from some tell tell stains. Yes, too much information but if you're ever a guest over having tea and a cake, think of us and our new prop. Couldn't find the remote to turn the news off though, must admit that was slight drawback to concentration.

26 July - Chuck & Annabel

Only the other day we were saying - having started to read a discarded Saturday Independent - that we waste much time on papers and what do we really learn after reading all this puff on new books, movies, music, art etc. ? Not a lot. But… this morning was reading one such discarded paper I rescued last week and it featured an interview with Chuck Palahniuk. Now, I know Chuck, or rather, have read more than 2 books of his and will prob read the current one and had been to a reading and like everyone else saw the fight club and read the reviews. So you can say that the following biographical information must have already been known to me but it’s worth noting it down again.

His grandfather killed himself and his wife in front of the 3 year old Fred (ie. Chuck’s father).
Fred had (much later on) become keen on internet dates/meetings and one such woman (girlfriend) jealous ex boyfriend stalked and then killed Fred.

Jeesus! I can’t compete. No such tragedies in my life, hence, I write this kind of nonsense in my blog instead of inspiring tears, laugher, and above all revulsion or disgust, which is one of the ‘things’ Chuck aims to get you to feel because …. (er… where’s that paper again, I need the exact sentence, darn can’t locate it right now, you’ll have to wait).
ah yes, It's a function of trying to attract the kid of readers that would otherwise never pick up a book (ie, men) HEH? really, so if I put a picture of someone picking their nose on the cover, a man is more likely to buy the book?
or... 'Porn is the adult version of the fairytale. There's real comforting samenes to it blah blah etc...' HEH

All I remember is that I thought ‘HEH?’ Am sure that I can take this apart and say it’s really also nonsense but I have to go. And yes, in answer to my original question to myself, what have I really learnt by reading all of the above? Chuck’s new novel is based on the events surrounding Annabel Chong’s f uckathon (you know 70 guys in one video session, only Chuck’s gone large and in his book the protagonist fucks 700.

Interesting fact, a friend worked with an American cameraman recently on a docu and said cameraman was one of those on the Annabel Chong video. He was pretty revolted but it was a job. Or maybe he just had to say that…. Don’t know if she’s still alive but she was one sad person despite thinking it was all empowering stuff she was making.

22 July - Jetlag or Wine?

Out for dinner with friends (the main discovery here being that R. has been doing Thandie Newton's garden and she's a couple of doors down from Daniel Craig. R. refuses to have me as his gardener's help. Oh and his Hungarian grandfather once was given a medal by Hitler for fighting the Russians. Well, I never) and then to a little bar/club, home at 1am.

Toph keeps me awake (euphemism) for a further two hours. I'll leave out the details and though not a longer session than Stacey's and her american businessman, this one was comparable in terms of energy and 'effects'. So, am left wondering if jetlag has any positive effects on men's libido - this being two nights after Toph's return from US - or if it was the wine (my consumption had been 1 glass of rose' plus water and cranberry juice, whilst Toph's had been four large glasses of rose' and white wine, call that a bottle) or a combination of both. In theory wine should make you more sophorific but maybe that's just red? Suffice to say that in the old days I'd have been annoyed that Toph seemed very taken by the dance moves of a 30 something gorgeous dark haired woman with incredibly long hair, whereas now I appreciate that she was my wing woman and got him into supersexy mood. He doesn't often try to make me crash the car by reaching for my .....
I call these 'Shiva sessions' because the boy develops more arms and legs. I guess someone else may call them spider sessions but I like my indian imagery.

Another little conundrum is that earlier in the day I had used the powerplate to the max so now I'm not sure if my muscles hurt so bad because of sex or powerplate vibrations. Maybe both. Why do I need to know you may ask. Well it's because I like to keep some scientific data, to return to a year down the line and henceforth, because I'm alwasy charting what gets worse or what gets better about this ageing process shit.

13 July - Convents 'R Us

We arrived at the priory of our lady! And it’s still light and we’re delighted by the view. It’ a large Georgian house with a sort of 70’s Nordic looking convent attaché, all functional wooden beams and low buildings, but it may as well have been a university mini campus or any of those places that contain people in a small room each and gathering in a larger one to eat, read, pray, do laundry oh and meditate whilst staring ahead to the large grounds, the bridle path, the duck pond, the deer, the herb garden and so on.

During the tour Toph tries the organ in the chapel, he can’t play but makes pretty sounds by holding the notes for a while. I’m tempted by the bells but it could be mistaken by an SOS and it’s best not to attract attention. I skip around spotting locations for porn video filming but that would get my friend (one of the guardians of the property) in trouble. There is however much banter on our part about nuns and their habits etc. D. is a ex convent girl which is probably why she sports lovely little tattoos on her ankles…the rebel! And pretty young homeopath L. has come out for the w/end too and she’s always a laugh in these matters.

The remaining few old nuns who have been re-housed recently - and how sad that every bathroom and shower cubicle has those elderly adjustable seats... very sobering old age - have however left the library behind! Maybe now they read their books on computer? There’s shelves of books on the lives of St Theresa and St Francis and so on, many in French and German but also DH Lawrence and a few other surely more suspicious and possibly forbidden texts! We’re all tempted to purloin a few but… leave them for now. We will be back. Am sure the new owners (planning a school for children with disabilities) will not need this kind of library.

We have drink and end up discussing knife crime (this year’s paedophile headlines? Remember how the tabs were all about paedos and before then football hooligans and before then.. whatever becomes the sole thing they can write about) and then go to bed in our little cell where D. has pushed together two single beds for us ahhhh… Wish could wake up and discover we’re in at top spa! It’s been a long day what with starting off at 8 to go to the wedding.

I wake up and Toph says in my ear ‘Mmmhh my little nun’ and he’s got a raging hard on. Somewhere in the night, my talk of misbehaving brides of Christ has given him some ideas. That’s extra good! Especially as D. had told us that with so many cells to chose from she’d put us all alone in a wing, determined as she was that sex would take place on the premises. Maybe it already had, builders have been here after all and a few local kids, but hey… she likes it this way. Clearly, my fat stomach is only a problem to myself for now. ‘Mmmhh, my visiting excellency the cardinal from Rome’ Here we go.

9 July - I want what she's having... yes! yes! yes!!

As you know, I've become somewhat reticent to describe fun and games in the sexual arena. Modestly prevents me from giving extensive details of sessions starring Toph because, well, it could all come back to bite me on the ass. As for details of other sessions, I have to recall them first as life has become unexpectedly monogamous for a long time now. Sigh....

However, hurrah for my girlfriends and S. in particular who's free and single and though not doing very well on the young 'un sites (cougar anyone?) because they're all mouth and no trousers and fail to keep appointments or have not ignited her flame (she's met one who's 25 and is wanting to sleep with a 60 year old. Yes I know, that would be Marianne Faithfull or Meryl Streep but ... yeuwww!), she's doing well with her older ones. Well, not that old. She met one this week who's here for work and they'd alredy met a year ago so she knew what to expect. It sounded like first night went very well, so I asked her to send me a blow by blow account and she took me very literally. Here you go. Enjoy by proxy, as I'm doing.

In the style of Big Brother, as per Lisa’s request....
This is the story of Stacey (tee hee) & Stan, aka ‘Stan the Man’


12:00 I leave home, bag packed for the week, expecting to be pulled to One Aldwych several nights this week by New York based (exceptionally) casual lover.
13:00 Arrive Soho, plan to wander ‘til 16:00 when we agreed we’d meet
14:00 Receive text : ‘I got here early. Come to the hotel.’
14:01 I reply: I’m busy, I’ll be there by 3:30pm’. I continue my wander
15:30 We meet in the lobby. He is bearing the gifts I insisted he bring (‘bring me my fave chocolates or don’t bother turning up’)
15:35 We head out into the bright sunshine. The plan for the day was in two distinct portions, as per his last email to me :
Portion #1 : the cultural portion. A museum of some sorts
Portion #2 : the sha gging each other senseless portion.
I liked the plan, I have to say
15:40 We enter Somerset House. I plan to give him a tour, possibly ending with a glass of wine at the River Terrace, but definitely including the current Cezanne exhibition, which I was exceptionally keen to check out
15:41 There is a concert this evening, so the courtyard is sadly cordoned off. We go into Cezanne. He pays. Such a gentleman.
15:50 We’re enjoying all the paintings, and the permanent collection. He stops at a painting of a semi-nude redheaded woman and raises an eyebrow at me. I giggle.
16:05 He’s clearly keen to go, mumbling something about it being a nice day so let’s have a picnic.
16:10 We leave. Short but sweet, his arm rubbing my back often throughout our wee wander. Nice touch.
16:12 I have spent the past 2 minutes pondering the picnic option and have hit upon the idea of popping into the Tesco a few steps away, and getting a cold bottle of champagne, and going into Embankment Gardens to drink it . A liquid picnic, if you will.
16:13 He takes my hand and now it's his turn to giggle. ‘Um, no, what I was thinking is that we take ourselves back to my suite’.
16:13 Aha, I think . OK then.... He admits that he had hoped he could hold out ‘til past dinner time, but realised he can’t. We’d not seen each other since last August, but then again that was a one-night only job so... I had no idea he’d remember the session so well. I remembered it well as I’d split up with another lover in late May and was convinced I’d never again find a man who enjoyed going down on a woman so much ... I was happily proved wrong by Stan.
16:20 We’re back at One Aldwych, less than an hour after we left it
16:21 He offers me a drink, and after I take two sips of water, he’s all over me. Damn, I think, he’s rather keen
16:40 We’re still at the semi-dressed stage. I recall that he does like his fore play, does Stan the Man
17:00 Finally the clothes come off in full... loving that almost 45 minutes of just.. fumbling and kissing... like you did in high school. He gets full marks for getting a gal good ‘n’ ready for the ensuing fun.
17:01 The first round of him going down on me... the man redefines the word ‘teasing’. Brings me to orgasm # 1 without even being inside of me. Genius.
18:00 We finally have sex. Yes this is easily a full hour after we started to play. We’ve spent the hour going down on each other – separately, at the same time (Americans just ‘get’ that whole ‘69’ position in a way that my European lovers just.. haven’t. Such a shame. Their loss. Such fun). Stan is also big on spa nking... not so hard that the next morning your bum is red, but just regular unexpected casual sp anks... and one of Stan’s ki nks is that he doesn’t just spank on your bu m cheeks. Oh no... he has a few tricks up his sleeve...
18:15 Done, sh ag #1, we’ve both been so built up (and I’ve had several orgasms by this point), that he comes super quickly... I can’t recall if he’s married or not (I think he is), but as Charlotte from SATC would say, I do believe his wife is not an ‘up the bu tt’ kind of girl. Me, I have a lover in my life who has treated me to the wonders of this position (this was before Stan). When Stan finally realises he’s got the green light to ‘go there’, he’s a bit too enthusiastic, so I have to remind him to take it slooooowly, and it will be worth his while . And it was!
18:30 I’m frisky again .I know, I know. But I am. He’s a creative lover and he’s only in town a few days so...
18:45 He’s hard again. Woo hoo! He’s 38.. there is a lot to be said for the under-40 lover. A past lover (he likes to think he’s still current but he’s all talk and no action, so... I give up) – anyway, he’s super senior at a super posh bank in the City and will turn 52 next month.. and he needs a little blue pill to , ahem, stir him into action. I did read something the other week about how if you haven’t had s ex in ages – if you’re older – men do generally need the little blue pill to get things moving. He is in an utterly se xless marriage so the mind boggles... Truly, I do wonder why people stay in se xless marriages. ‘Doing it for the kids’... .yawn fu cking yawn yawn yawn. They will know their parents aren’t happy . I left my marriage when the s ex dried up . Clearly it’s linked to other things going on in the relationship, but surely it’s the final death knell? If you realise you have no desire to get na ked with someone.. how can you continue? I’m sick of the martyrs in my life who are doing it for the kids . I’m a classic case of a child of parents who really SHOULD have gotten divorced, they so clearly were miserable.

How did I go off on that tangent?

Ah, the older man versus younger man.

Younger men ROCK.

19:00 On all fours, and Stan just enjoying the view, teasing, playing with himself, playing with me, murmuring all sorts of nice things about my ass and body. I think once you get naked with a guy, women forget that generally guys are so happy to be there, they don’t mind if you’re carrying a few extra pounds . Enthusiasm + extra pounds = much better than faking it/boredom + washboard abs. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

19:20 More sha gging, finally stopping shortly afterwards
19:30 Stan is lying next to me, quietly panting... then admits : ‘I’m hungry, can we go out now to get food?’

19:45 We’re off, quite ravenous at this point. Dinner at Belgo in Covent Garden, dessert/wine/coffee on Frith Street afterwards, soaking up the evening warmth. His treat, all of it, and I'm reminded how I loathe men who don't treat their women. I'm all in favour of going Dutch or picking up the tab from time to time. But if a guy really wants to score points : buy your date dinner . Show you're not counting the pennies. Even if you are. One thing I adore about my ex husband is that .. he's always broke. Always .More often than not. Yet when we go out - he always pays. When he sees something he thinks I will like - he buys it for me. The most broke man I know, yet the most generous. Go figure. I say again : I loathe men who never treat their women. Being with someone who always insists on splitting the cheque or who never subtly grabs the bill when it comes with one swift move and puts his card down... ugh. Soul-destroying. Sooooo not a good look on a man.

I digress. Again.

22:00 Stan and I return to the suite. He’s very jet-lagged, he admits, and asks me if we can ‘just kind of hang around’. I say sure, but does he mind if I get na ked first? Oddly enough, he doesn’t mind. I’m thinking we’ll watch a movie, and just chill and maybe have a last mellow sort of shag before the end of the night.
22:02 Um, nope . As soon as I’m n aked, he jumps on me. In the midst of kissing, he says ‘well, I THOUGHT I wanted to just hang around’
22:05 As we’re kissing, he asks me if I’ve ever been blindfolded during sex. I say no but that I’m game for most things. We don’t have anything to use but he pushes a pillow over my eyes and I lay there on my back.
22:07 Oh my. Combination of him going down on me very lightly, then sticking various fingers into every hole possible, interspersed with lots of sp anking of various things.. and pinching of nipples. Again he makes me come without penetrating me. The guy has skill....
22:45 I’m panting, after having had 2 more orgasms. He finishes up by coming all over my breasts. Fabulous.
23:15 I’m raring to go again, so we do. Short but... intense. Him on top of me, my legs together, him pushing my legs back over my head.
23:45 The light goes out. I tell him : ‘remember, if you wake up in the night with a raging hard - on, please do wake me up’
01:30 I can’t sleep. He’s snoring (I remember one of the joys of sleeping on my own... men do snore...). And my mind is racing... so I wake him up by going down on him. He’s hard within seconds (or so it feels like), and this session is more me going down on him and him playing with me – not full s ex. This one ends up with him coming over and inside my mouth, lots of mess, lots of fun.
02:00 (I am guessing here at the time now) . I crash out to sleep. Sleep fitfully, mind still racing, but happy of the org asms nonetheless.
07:00 Alarm goes off, he hops in the shower, off to work . Me thinking : da mn, I could have done with a morning sh ag. I am guessing he realised it wouldn’t be a short one (though I would have happily had a quickie – he doesn’t know me well enough .Yet)... and he had to be in St Paul’s early.)
08:00 I’m showered and ready to go (how on earth I can shower and put lipstick on and be ready in literally a third the time that it took him to shower and shave... I’ll never know. I don’t believe men who say women take longer getting ready. Utter bo llocks._
08:05 We part on Aldwych.. he is around and about this week. I’ve no idea if I’ll see him again. I think I will but if not... I certainly had a good time!! I saw this in the paper today and it struck me . Reminded me of my fave lover of all time – aka Mr Alameda – whom I loved and lost and... still love with all my heart. It’s from Isabel Allende, who wrote the play ‘Zorro’, with music by those crazy Gipsy Kings.. I am going to the premier tomorrow. I so believe in that chemical reaction... even if we are never together again I will believe in this reaction, and that it created a bond with us... forever :

Love at first sight has happened to me - with my husband Willie and with a few lovers. I think it is a chemical reaction, something to do with lust and sex. I have a pathological imagination. I see a guy who is available, and it is like I see a Christmas tree with no ornaments on it. I then add all these ornaments and he becomes this wonderful Christmas tree. It takes me five minutes to dress him up. Every man is a project to me. Willie was a huge project. He wore snake boots! His life was a total mess, and I had to remodel the entire thing.

7 June - DVDs & Near disasters

I don't know much but I probably know a little bit more than some clean living girlfriends, so am going to write this post to offer useful information becuse when I told this anecdote to another 2 friends, they both said er.. they didn't know how to take 'it' either.

That's strange, to read the papers the whole country is on cocaine. Gosh, this must make me some kind of dark horse in their eyes but am not .. god I remember that time I was asked to receive a huge amount in a hotel in Denmark where I had arrived with an artist who had graduated to industrial quantities. It sort of burnt in my pocket. He asked if I wanted some and I said no, I had to work. What an idiot! The next day they couldn’t have taken it anywhere with them, it was a straight fly in/fly out gig, so you can imagine the party… whilst conscientious flunkey here was asleep at
2am. Idiot, I'll say it again. Do the drugs, have fun, get sensible later.


So, last week a clean living g/friend, L. says she's been increasingly wanting to be bad, she's over 40 and there's only so much cleansing and detox diets one can be on. And that she wanted to have a wild night at home with the (equally clean living boyfriend) and did I have any porn dvds to lend her and could I get hold of some cocaine. I think my jaw had hit the floor by this point. I said yes to the first request and no to the second one. Or rather, of course I know how to get hold of some but I wouldn't. She said fine she'd ask Billy.

So Friday comes and I go over with the vids (hilarious in itself as they're not mien and had not seen them, in fact, took them without persmission from a friend's small stash, relatively secure in the knowledge he wouldn't miss them).

L. is waiting and tells me when she asked Billy if she could buy a few lines, he laughed and said no, she had to buy a gram. Which is where I came in as turns out L. diddn't know how one takes it. Jeesus! Where has she been for the past twenty years. So she gives me the packet and I get a card and start mashing into powder as it was bit lumpy. She wanted to know about quantities so I should her a conservative line and a fat one. She said she'd only take half of a conservative one. I said you may as well not bother and just drink coffee. She didn't want the boyfriend to know and could she just put it in his drink? Jeesus. No, you can't, and it tastes really bitter so you can't expect him not to taste it. You takes it a note like this and you snort it like you've seen in the movies. Oh no she says, I don't want to do that, I'll just lick it. Suit yourself I said but that's not really the best way. What if I take it she says and kiss him? I said no, he'll taste it in your mouth, you just have to come clean (ha ha!) that you have class A. She's not convinced. I tell her alternatively they can play a game and she can put it on her bits and he can lick it off and so on and so forth. I feel like I'm some kind of porn video director myself or that I'm corrupting my friend but I figure she's old enough to handle it.

The weekend comes and goes and she meets me to return the dvds'. Soooooo??????? You should have seen her smile. Wide as her face. She said that the dvd called Fever was pretty good, the other one less so. Sooooooooooo? I ask her again and she said they had a fab night. Clean living boyfriend didn't question any part of it and went along happily and putting it here worked a treat. It kept her in a state of arousal for ages before coming. What about him? Ah, she says, he was so excited he didn't last long. How come? Impossible, on the stuff you stay hard for ages, in fact annoyingly so. Turns out they did so little that they will try that next time and they'll probably have 6 weekends'worth.

Am having lots of vicarious fun at this point (can't believe she did go into a bit more description, glad to hear her take on fantasy, basically she was the real girl and the ones on the dvd were somewhere over there on the other sofa).

It's only when I get home that something makes me check the dvd's before I put them back. Fever is not in its sleeve. She's given me back her Pilates exercise video. Thank god I noticed, would have been hard (ha ha! again) to explain at a later date.

. Gosh, this must make me some kind of dark horse in their eyes but am not .. god I remember that time I was asked to receive a huge amount in a hotel in DK where I had arrived with an artist. It sort of burnt in my pocket. He asked if I wanted some and I said no, I had to work. What an idiot. The next day they couldn’t take it anywhere with so you can imagine the party…

3 April - Groove & Armada

I had a funny email exchange with hotlips H. She wrote excitedly that Groove Armada were playing in NYC and she can only write this to me as nobody else she now knows would even know who GA are.

I wrote back saying we wouldn't go to the show anyway as they'd probably take the stage at 2am and we now struggle to find a way to stay up that late and as it would be just she and me going and we can talk anytime we want (ie. not just meet for this occasion) and b) we have plenty of bonding experiences together already and so don't need this one to strengthen the friendship or be added to the stash of 'Remember that time we....'

She wrote I was right, and that we simply can’t afford any more to write off the next day and the one after following an all nighter with stimulants. Back in the days we'd be as right as rain after sleeping till lunchtime perhaps and brush off the monday depression quite easily. Now...we'd dread those awful 48 hours after enhanced fun. Even on a Friday when all we'd have to do on a Saturday and Sunday are pretty mundane things that can wait.

It got me thinking that the same goes for wild sex by which I mean a session that lasts a few hours. Ok so it’s a Saturday night after a great dinner at friends, lots of wine and an earlier top dynamic yoga class which released lots of energy despite the wine and we go on for a while but er.. not a few hours that's for sure.
If this happens mid-week I certainly don’t say no, heck, it’s only work I'm delivering myself to in the morning, I can go in late and/or tired and in fact sex doesn’t make me tired at all, quite the opposite but I can imagine if you felt you have low energy as it is due to stress/kids etc, you’d just wouldn’t want to write off the next day because you overloaded yourself the night/morning before.

So in the same way that hotlips H and me now sensibly say 'no' in advance to a top night out with Groove Armada, there must be lots of people out there who have a plane to catch at 7.30am and so are up at 5am and would just have sex for ten/fifteen minutes and gradually come to accept that that it is all there is. And then if this is how you do it for a long time, proposing a sesh of more complicated coreography, it just doesn't flow. Am I right? I don't know. H. is finding sex a bit of a chore as well these days as the tenth anniversary of her relationship approaches.

12 March - Acupuncture & MacLovin'

Here’s some results of my ongoing research into ways to stay young and youthful. This time it’s not cosmetic.

In persuading the BF to go see my super beloved acupuncturist N., just to tune him into some zest for work and out of a well comfortable rut he’s inhabiting lately, I’ve discovered she can make many couples happy. Check this out (as my friend Wiki 1 would say), N. must have assumed that when one is in a work rut and depressed about his prospects, he must also not feel very MacLoving and that must be the reason his girlfriend had insisted he books an appointment. Not so… have no complaints in that department. But N. clearly put the needles in the ‘increase desire’ points because when he got home, first he said he was very, very tired, but not much later he practically jumped me and using a novel technique which am not about to divulge. Let’s just say he was hungry like a wolf and ready to bite. The following week the same thing happened, from you know, just through the door kind of moment and again involving something he doesn’t ask to do normally. And no, am positive he had not also been visiting a new lover straight out of his Harley St. appointment.

So there you have it. I must ring N. and tell her ‘thanks’ and have you thought about marketing your specific technique on Viagra short guys or men of declining age and ergo desire. Maybe it works different if the guy has no drive left but if he’s normal, she’s basically cranking it up. The effect is not long lasting, but at £75 a session am happy to encourage him to go once a week and should send her many clients.
If you write me, I’ll give you her details. Not sure all acupuncturists are as brilliant as mine.

9 February - Sick & Sex

Ok so I currently have a sick BF, bad flu for over a week and sort of accompanying depression because of lack of activity, meetings, work etc. and can’t go to his beloved fitness routine due to er.. sickness (only consolation is that the broody Russian hasn’t gone either as he’s been more sick than BF with it and even called an ambulance as he thought he was going to die. Broody/silent type S. does not have a loving GF who’s on hand to nurse and nurture. I’d have mopped his brow…

As for the BF, apart from the bad first 2/3 days of said flu and a fainting fit that left him with badly bleeding gash on eyelid and was either all my fault as I was on the phone doing one of those ‘You don’t fool me mister, I know what you’re up to and stop it immediately or else…’ speeches, or it was a digesting short circuit due to the bad fish at the Greek owned restaurant in Stoke Newington, you know who you're and that wasn't fresh despite the fab stories you told us about when Frank Sinatra ate at the club in East London you worked in when first off the boat in the fifties, he’s mainly not been breathing very well because of blocked nose, had headaches because of pressure and generally been a bit weak.

But, and I’d like some feedback on this ie. is it normal? he’s been mad for sex every day. How’s this possible? Is it because if you don't actually get out of the house you have all this energy that has to go somewhere? Or you're desperately bored? Am certainly not complaining but this morning I pointed out to his messy office which I have been going on at him to clear out/tidy for .. months. He says ‘I’m ill, I’ll do it when am better’. So I replied, ‘If you’re well enough for reasonably complicated sex, then you’re good enough for sorting this out. Today.’ I added that I’m going on strike till it’s sorted. He ruefully said that will never happen as I love it more than he does. Sad but true. That kind of blackmail can never apply. I really don’t know what I should subtract from his life though to make him sort the mess out. He doesn’t see it all…

Oh, I know, I think I’ll hide his latest Douglas Coupland novel he’s reading even as he’s standing up and walking on his way from room to room. That should do it. It is possible of course that when a man is down/low, he may realise how good to him, useful, indispensable etc his GF is and as he’s in no shape to fight off marauding intruders, Visigoths and other fully fit men, he may try extra hard to mark his territory.. Ah, evolution theories, where would we be without them?

5th January- Nha Trang

I can finally drink coffee, after the tooth withering embargo is over. They serve it black or with condensed milk and it takes me straight back to Jamaica circa ’91. Couldn’t get enough of it. Previously had never thought of using condensed milk and had only had it as a sort of topping on some pudding and by now was too health conscious to ingest that much sugar, but I loved it. That holiday was also the first time I went into a club where the western man were there seeking local women whose job it was to dance and go off with them. I was with my sister and boyfriend D and as we were much younger, we were mildly shocked by the sexual market/sex as a commodity scenario before us. I mean, we went there just to dance.

Here I idly watch the couples strolling by or lying on loungers next to me. The mixed ones (ie. local girl and foreign man) are not exchanging a word. The man usually has a big gut and he reads or sleeps. The woman keeps covered from the sun and is fully dressed in jeans and a t-shirt usually and either looks out to the sea or leafs through a magazine. Local vietnameee girls wear heels while the western travellers are always in flats. That’s what holidays are for right? The only exception is the super glamorous Russians. The older women all have Amy Winehouse beehives. Too funny, the height of fashion. Not. But she’s popular Amy, on café’s and restaurant stereos, I guess no. 1 hits still travel. In 96 it was Ace of Base everywhere…. Umh, the younger Russians are impossibly tall and skinny. They all look like storky Natalia Vodanovna. At least their hard looking men stick by them and don’t consort with the locals. They seem to enjoy banter and games and drinking and more banter.

I have to be careful about what I allow myself to think about the sex trade. After all, a friend of ours goes to Thailand regularly for a dose of intimacy he doesn’t get in London. He has a double PHD and published books to his name, but this is what he does once or twice a year. But what level of communication can be achieved for someone so wordy and sophisticated when he doesn't speak the local language and the locals don't speak but broken English? But it only takes one g/friend to screw you over for your life to take an irreversible dip into deepest waters, you probably tell yourself that no, you won’t be screwed by a woman again, not by surprise any way. Sex is like some king of oxygen, and if you don’t have it in you, you buy bottles like you do when you go for dives.

I have to be careful what I say here as more than one friend is dating a much, much younger oriental girl with whom they can’t speak and of course you only have to read ‘The Quiet American’ to have it explained in a brilliant way. Nobody gets hurt (or do they?) when the transaction is an actual sale. But as Belle says, we’re all whores. And to an oriental our ideas of beauty and handsom-ness are an ungraspable concept. Just me being white is seen as an enviable state, the amount of time I ask what do you consider beautiful? Thin, fat, blond, dark, tall or what and they all just say ‘Your white skin’. It means they can’t actually find N. as ugly as he seems to me and would to most western women. And if he doesn’t care to discuss politics or economics or literature then so be it. It’s almost an accelerated move into old age. Even if you were Einstein married to Simone de Beauvoir you would probably only talk very little in the end and about totally mundane things so like Fowler with Phuong, you only want her body next to yours and that she prepares your opium pipe. In return she wants money to buy scarves and a dream of Europe or some promises. But Europe doesn’t work very well for these women... but what do I know.

As far as I know N. Is too intelligent to think he could have one full time and bring her to London, he just vacations in Thailand like these men do here. Here they’re probably even less world aware than the Thais, though they may have an overall better education (94% literacy I read somewhere). But the deals are so simple. I’d like to know how much men pay for this. Probably the same as some people pay for their servants. There’s enough returning Viets here who now live comfortable lives in the USA or Australia and they’re after maids and housekeepers and cooks and the rest.

4 January - Club Girls at the Noblesse

Toph’s curiosity is always awake, but he pays dearly for it some times. As we enter the ice blue coloured tunnel that leads into the club opposite our hotel, Club X, I hear the thumping fast house disco rhythm which he absolutely hates. Thanks to the teeth whitening I’ve not eaten for a day or so, so I can wear a waist skimming top and I can hold my own flat stomach around the half my age girlies and hostesses in here - they wear pink and apparently are just here to make the place more vibey, call the waiters over, pour drinks and generally increase the club profits. Well, maybe. At least this club is full of trendy locals, if you can be trendy here at all.
Sadly I’ll never be so narrow hipped as the young ones in here, but Toph seems makes nice ownership gestures as he holds me tight next to his hip. Or maybe he’s just scared of being targeted by the hostesses. Or maybe not, actually, give him a short skirt, heels and a smooth tummy and he’s in love. I shake and dance as much as possible whilst standing still and we watch the action. It’s beyond me to enter the foray of the little stage (it all looks like the Hippodrome layout wise – does that still exist?). It’s super brightly lit and there are enough security guards to guarantee not even thinking about misbehaving. There’s a cashless bar which requires you to purchase tickets at a till so there’s no mishandling of money.

The time to drink his beer/my water and off we go back to the hotel as clearly the music is too much for Toph. At our hotel bar/club – it’s called Noblesse - the vibe is totally different. There’s a band band playing first, then there’s a DJ. This is fine and regular, but there are 16 – count them - girlies and only 2 western guys, 2 eastern ones and us and another couple . I mean, maybe there is a night of the week this club is busy and 16 girls are not enough to go round. But it’s not tonight. They alternate to get up and dance and punch the air like they’re really having fun, and then....sit down again. All minus one die hard one who has copper-blond dyed hair and is on the floor throughout. The Eastern guys they’re surrounding could be Korean or Chinese or ... hard to tell. They don’t paw the girls at all, maybe that’s not allowed or at maybe they can’t make their mind up. We just watch. Toph wants to know what’s on in the VIP room and suspects that’s where it gets interesting. Especially when he decides to have a look and gets his entrance barred so he thinks his suspicions are well founded but no, the guard allows him a peek and it’s the family karaoke room! The curse of the East! Thank good it’s in a private room. We get go back to our room. Am happy to sing there.

3rd January - Teeth Whitening & Handjob

Guess who gets which one?

I peroxided my eyebrows before I left (yes have already told you in previous post but it's so bewildering what it does to my face), I wanted them the colour of Sharon Stone’s in all those ads where you’d never know it’s her as the image has been manipulated so much to take 20 years off her. Now I need to buy a brown pencil because, in short, never take a call when you’re doing that and get distracted as your eyebrows end up white and invisible. D. shays her daughter has the opposite problem she’s a dyed black blond girl and when she darkens the eyebrows to match the hair. She looks like Groucho Marx for first week or so. Too funny. I don’t know what I look like but it’s doing strange things to my face definition. But where to find a brown eye pencil in Viet where their eyebrows are dark and there’s no need for brown pencils? Black is available but would be too harsh. I stay as is and Toph says ‘Wait till you’ll see the holiday snapshots’. Yes, well.

The day starts well, exploring Saigon again. It's still 33 degrees, there's the smell of fish sauce as you go past stalls and markets (fish sauce here is the barometer of 'doing well', equivalent to our use of fine wines) and there are still too many bikes and mopeds. My throat is tickling, my eyes get sore and there’s constant high decibel noise from all the horn and bell sounding. I’d have to live with earplugs if I stayed here long term. My headache could be attributed to jetlag but I don’t think so. I go to the clinic where I’ve arranged for teeth whitening, taking advantage of the less than half price local economy. Darn, the dentist says they’re white already and can’t do much for me but how is that possible? Surely they use other peroxide in Hollywood if I go by their teeth, maybe they’re veneers but my teeth are perfectly fine w/o them and I want them Tom Cruise’s white. She says she’ll do her best. Am tempted to say 'double the dose' but having lost eyebrows which re-grow, am less keen to risk losing teeth.
In the end they just appear cleaner but are not dazzling white and now I can’t drink coffee and wine for a week and where am I if not in the land of delicious coffee? Silly me.

Back at hotel we go for a massage to forget about the traffic and the sightseeing. Mine is fine and am leaving the tip when Toph emerges from his and seeing how much I’m leaving (10% of the price) says it’s too little. I start to give him one of the standard speeches ‘Man, treat them as you would in your own country, just because it’s all is cheaper here/they’re poor, doesn’t mean you have to start leaving 50%) but he insist on leaving a huge one for his an says ‘Tell you later’.
Which turns out to be he has had a hand job with his. What????
‘You sanctioned it’ he says giving me a half guilty smile. Eh??? When???? Turns out that my attitude of ‘Let’s try anything once/go for it’ (usually in relation to food /places/parachute jumps etc) has been conveniently interpreted as a permission to go with more outlandish propositions. It seems the French man Toph met in the changing room prior to his massage had explained all. ‘She will ask if you want extras, the only word of English she knows (apparently) and if you do, you take it, you must leave a large tip, these girls don’t make any money working here’.

And so it was that with much furtive looking at the door, (no towel had been hanged on the clear glass partition of Toph’s room but had been put up in mine) Toph’s massage changed course half way through. I ask him for details. He says, first he was showered and washed by ... a bloke which totally threw him (my massage didn’t require ablutions) and that in the waiting room there were many Asian men. Clearly am wrong in thinking it's the nasty westerners who abuse their position in these countries, the locals exploit them quite happily too. Toph says they looked like hotel workers...
He says she was 17 or so and tiny and she looked horrified when he said he was 37 (which means he knocked several years off himself and still she thought he was an old bloke, very funny!).

I ask more questions: how long did it take? how did she deal with the, ahem, outcome: tissue/towel? He looks at me like am crazy but I’m just being scientific about it. For some reason I thought he’d have his eyes closed whilst it took place, but he was looking at her. This troubles me more than what it actually was. I want to know how, sideways? Full on? He says there was not much eye contact from her, though she was on the table whilst, er... administering. They’re truly the size of a ten year old so v. light. He says he was actually enjoying the massage more than ‘that’ and he was sorry the actual massage ended as that was somehow more sensual, though he certainly does not regret the experience. But maybe next time he’ll want more time, a better shielded room etc. He says no. I say I agree as, to be honest, masseuse will never look at you as anything more than a bunch of dollars and want it over and done with as quickly as possible and so it can never compare with what I offer. Plus he couldn't touch her. But hey, I give you a few more years and for sure you’ll repeat it, perhaps you'll choose the more full on option where you can grab her and turn her this way and that. In an ideal world it stays at that first cigarette that nobody liked level and we all said 'Never again will I put this disgusting thing in my mouth', but then we did and we liked it...

‘Will you tell your friends?’ ‘No’. he says emphatically. ‘Well, it’s going in the blog’ I reply. ‘You can’t do that! Some of my friends read it’. ‘Well I don’t care, I write about what affects me.' He looks hurt ‘Well I won’t tell you anything any more then’. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make it up if I want to’. I guess pretty well usually in any case.

I take him back to our room and establsh the difference between tipping for it and getting it for free with someone who truly knows you. I guess it's the kissing he'd miss the most. And I'd totally hate to have to do this for a living and for any kind of strangers. Life sucks for poor women the world over.

I wonder though where the massage room is where females could get a bloke to do the same for them. It always seems a one way street this sex business, unless you go the gay parlour route. That must be a whole different scene for that too.

4 November - Down & Below

Am out with an old colleague I don’t know very well. She’s drinking only water and tells me she’s on a diet that allows very little for 3 months as her doctor/homeopath is trying to flush out the candida from her system though she doesn’t think this is the main cause of her problems ‘down below’. She proceeds to tell me what they are, but basically sex is unpleasant and painful and one ends up not bothering which clearly is not a great state of affairs. She’s not dating right now but it contributed to the demise of her last one. Sounds awful. I’d rather er… die. Hope it’s not something one develops though she says this goes back to 2/3 years ago and she’s 37 so Christ, yes, it could be like eczema or diabetes or any of those things that just happen to you. Jeez, no wonder she’s tried it all, acupuncture, omeopathy, reiki, the works.

She’s also doing a hypnotherapy course and will have hypno herself and again she hopes this may help with the problem. She says there may be something that her subconscious has stored which gave rise to the problem. I can’t ask, and just wait to be told, but I have to wonder that if you call your sexual organs mostly ‘down below’ instead of using the actual words which are not that scary, trust me, then maybe you don’t have the easiest of relationships with them to start with. Am I wrong?
I did struggle a bit to listen. This is a woman who goes into great details when telling you a story so it took a long time to catch up. I was also annoyed that originally we were meant to be joined by another ex colleague who cried out on the day as too stressed, too overworked, headaches and so on. I don’t mind but had been hoping to kill the two birds with one stone and now of course her no show leaves it all open to rescheduling etc etc. I guess I do have options of being too busy till next year myself. Is that bad?

25 October - Birthdays & Orientals

I gave the BF a b’day surprise. He liked it. I told him that I’d considered an alternative one ie. getting him a ‘Me love you long time’ Thai girl. He said ‘Oh no, I’m a bit tired for that this week’. I said ‘So am I actually’.
See, am not the only one having ‘old’ thoughts (as in 'have no energy for puttin on a show for third person in this bed). So I said, 'Good, that’s a few hundred quid saved, I’ll ask you again next year or for Christmas maybe if I can’t think of anything else'. I can think of the practical gifts but those are boring, just because a man could do with a new suitcase or office chair, doesn’t mean you get him that. And he doesn’t do jewels or it would be easier, you know, think David Beckham, I could get him all sorts of diamond studs. Anyway, Toph asked where would I get the Thai girl from?
Very smart question. Like he hasn’t thought back to the conversation he’s related to me that he had with his yoga friend S. a tiny Malaysian girl who works an accountant, is very militant about not being used for sex by western boyfriends who are after the oriental experience, but who lives by some station at the end of the Piccadilly line (I think) and drinks in a pub full of Thai working girls. I was going to ask her for some introductions of course….. But good of Toph to pretend he has not for a second imagined going up there for a drink himself. So that S. could spill her relationships beans on to him as she’s fond to do. For someone who doesn’t want to be pretty oriental girl, it’s funny she hangs with tall Russians and you know… no Malaysian men. There must be some in London for whom the Oriental, body of a twelve year old, girlfriend, is not that exotic an experience…

16 September - FUG, Agent M & JR toyboy trio

Darn, it had to happen. I have not really been on FB (facebook) much but a friend led me to another and to another and found an old lover FUG. Couldn’t help but poke him and no, he accepted me as friend w/o recognising me (have different name on there don’t ya know and with a misleading photo so flying under the radar in my own Jason Bourne fantasy world. But very diplomatically he called me ‘lovely’ and asked for more information. Which I gave. This led to a long exchange during which I found out he’s not married (I read a message from Jade Jagger no less which I thought was congratulating him on said marriage but was mistaken).

I did mention Toph straight away but the exchange went down some memory route where if you basically had a good time and your heart was never in danger of being broken, then you have happy memories which can easily be re-activated. But bear in mind that I had deleted his number a couple of years back because he’s always been unreliable. I blame the pot myself. Anyway he’s sorry he can’t read my blog (yet), nor contribute to my adventures (yet). I did say I live by proxy these days as can’t stupidly endanger uplifting, totally wonderful life with the BF by just following some desire for danger. That ‘yet’ is telling. Here’s someone who knows me very little but knows instinctively he’s in the presence of mischievous person much as he is… still. Anyway, he set me thinking about the fact that he’s many years younger than me and a Friday soon, am also invited to the b’day of another of my ex toyboys, agent M. I didn’t think there were many but it’s surprising how I never went out with anyone older than me, always younger. Maybe went out is the wrong term, these were never proper relationships, more … part time bouts. I am especially fond of JR who used to leave me notes thanking me for leaving him money for the underground or for lunch when I left to go to work. No, was not cradle snatcher, more like he was 28 year old unsuccessful musician hence no cash to speak of. Lived in a squat type situation, which is the only time I ever found myself in Stratford. I know it’s soon to be Olympic village and so on but 7 years ago it was on a par with the moon for all I went there. The utter squalor was somehow a bonus. There were no drugs involved but I figure Pete Docherty’s flat looks the same as JR’s then.

And these few, are 7/8 years my juniors. I should ask FUG what his best memory is. For my part, mine is not sexual. It’s the night we sat outside his house in his brand new first expensive jag and he had an advance copy of the new Primal Scream album (or was it something else) and it was thrilling to sit there cocooned in the leather interior and just bliss out on the music. Before ipods folks! I know which one M’s is as I know he plays it back from time to time, perhaps when he plays golf. It was no more outlandish than a fuck on my kitchen floor (a dark shade of cherry read, varnished, very nice) and against the washing machine, but I guess in his many rock ‘n’ roll years, he’s not done many floors. In both cases I guess they liked the fact I’d just call a taxi and leave and don’t phone for months. I liked it for the same reason, it’s kind of refreshing to realise you don’t want anything further. Not even dinner. Though by the same token should they, or me, drop dead all of a sudden, we’d not know for just as long. The surprising link am able to make now is that these two share more than one characteristic with the BF. Physical and personality wise. They’re doing much better than him financially though… but money isn’t everything in my life so that’s just a neutral observation. But if you lined them up… they could swap clothes… if M. is in a skinny phase… What does it mean? I never had anything against rugby player built guys , in fact there was one, sweet personality though, a graphic designer, who was the only person able to f uck me in missionary position but, check this out guys out there and see if you can do it, would use only one arm to prop himself up, and with the other arm scoop me up under the bum and pull me up and down on his cock. I was weightless! Magic!

God, and to think am such a nazi when it comes to Toph’s life. If I read the above in his blog I’d be seriously f ked off but… for myself it’s totally ok to wax lyrical over the past…

6 August - Autumn conundrums

Leafing through August issues of fashion mags. Ok, I notice the squareish and rigid leather handbags. Should have seen it coming after all the slouchy soft ones we’ve had so far. Darn me and finally clearing out some in that shape/materials recently. I know friends laugh at me not chucking away anything but now I’d be smugly considering I don’t have to spend good money on buying something I had!
I also notice lots of thick winter woolly suits sort of like 40’s and 50’s style. Oh my god I need to be thinner! Oh hang on, I already am. 8st exactly, I've chucked all I can at the cellulite this time and it’s finally worked. The legs are firmer. It’s v. exciting. Why didn’t I bother with all of this say ten years ago? How come resoluteness and bloody mindedness come with age? They’re not good things btw.

On with a non sequitur but… being slinky and foxy makes you even more attractive to yourself and naturally to the BF. Is it possible to have too much sex? Man am tired. There’s something to be said for not seeing your lover for a few weeks, it does add a lot of hunger to it. There’s also the ‘Has he done this move on me before? Or is it new? And if it’s new how did he come up with it? Did he learn it on hotel porn channel or for real?' - see previous posts on the subject and btw his explanation is that the escort numbers are from a few years ago when the ex cut out sex for several months in retaliation for…just not committing to her fully/buying the house/having the babies. Mmmhhh, I think she was probably already getting it elsewhere, but was kind enough not to put forward this theory. However, I've accepted his explanation as for the moment it's conveniently continental to let things lie.
I mean I have been known to watch my porn and adjust my techniques accordingly or get inspired to try something different. Must ask him. We definitely did some mid level acrobatic stuff recently and that was not the norm. On the other hand mustn’t grumble, if your sex life gets even better at nearly two years in, it’s got to be cause of celebration that this is the opposite of what usually gets mentioned ie. some decline in interest/variety?
Ok here’s the deal, if he doesn’t go away again soon, and current quality falls below par, I’ll put in a solo trip somewhere to keep it fresh.

26 July - Perfect baby gifts?

As my BF seemed to have been gagging for sex whilst away from my ever providing side for a mere 17 days, I make some quick mental jump and write to my most reliable sex hungry friend and ask when’s the baby due? (less than a month to go) and has he managed to keep it in his pants given the girlfriend could not provide full services or reduced ones. He said he has – despite at least two episodes where it was difficult to reign himself in and has amazed himself by this feat of abnegation. He never thought it was possible. He goes on to say he’ll be at the Edinburgh festival for 2 weeks shortly and if resists temptation there – there will be flowing copious alcohol and late nights one presumes - he’ll truly feel holy. I say I’ll award him a special medal and only him and I will know what it’s for. Quick as a flash he replies ‘Can you make it buttplug-shaped?’ Even quicker than a flash I reply ‘Sure, and I’ll post it along with the baby gift!’ You have to laugh. Or at least we do.

21 July - Problems I have

Uhm, an interesting dilemma. I accidentally found out something about the BF that he would be pretty ashamed of… so, he’s in the doghouse. Except that he’s away for another ten days, so I have to wait till he returns to consign him to said doghouse. It’s kind of not fair to have arguments with people over the phone and email when they are in fact away working. It would seriously mess with their concentration, then again men can easily put things in boxes /drawers as all women know and deal with them later. I don’t think my emails get read past paragraph 3 for example and yes I know because I deliberately put red herrings in there towards the last few lines – example: ‘on Saturday will be at casting session to choose my leading man for forthcoming porn video, I hope it’s Rocco Siffredi’ and he doesn’t rise to it.

Right now am favouring replacing what I found with the version I’ve updated all over with acerbic comments - I don’t do angry, or rather as a sign of maturity finally achieved (in part) in my 40’s, I don’t go from nought to 60 in 2 seconds, but wait a little longer to ignite. However, it is something I didn’t think he had in him, and I don’t think he’s had time to act on it as he forgot his precious research behind. Then again, with a few clicks of the internet he can find it all again but still. It’s adorable when they’re away and they tell you they’re so shattered and all they have time to in the evening is sleep…. And you find the escorts website and numbers carefully copied. There’s about a dozen, all current. I rang some to check, as you do. Prices are a bit steep but the dollar is weak so it’s feasible. Am especially pissed off about the choice of girls. All names and some websites are of other creeds and colours and none of course would declare to be above 24 years old. Frankly one could argue he’d only shag a proz of a different kind thereby keeping it well separate from the memory of his beloved’s shape, age and looks but I think the more plausible explanation is the one which first springs to mind: he wants to shag a 6ft tall Naomi Campbell lookalike or… er.. some Japanese girlie. Can’t work out the spread of interest here… What’s wrong with Swedish girls? Admittedly in real life attracting the Naomi is not easy for a person of his description, but the Jap girls should be. You make them giggle, show some interest and it’s there. Apologies of course for offending Japanese readers. Ok, maybe it takes time though…

What was I thinking? With all the accumulated knowledge I have on the male species, which is well supplemented by girlfriends’ stories, did I really think I had found the only one who’s not going to behave like the 90% majority? Uh, ho, well sort of yes as had been watching/actively seeking signs to prove the universal theories I buy into, but so far had not seen any. But a year and a half in is probably the time to stop showing our best side. Mind you, he still is showing the best side, and in fact reacted with indignation ‘I don’t do that!’ when I made a joke about girls to take up to his room, he just doesn’t yet know that I know. Am in two minds… on the one hand the best course of action is to pretend I didn’t stumble on the misdeed – which no doubt he’d deny has taken place but ha ha, for Catholics remember there is the sin of intention and this is pretty proven. On the other hand, a good old argument is always a good way forward. You air one grievance, many more follow and we’re all wiser. Wish I didn’t have ten days to sit on this and wish first day back wasn’t day of great event in the evening which would be spoilt if I decide to confront him. Plus I will not have had sex for 2 and a half weeks and that would be out of the window if I have to slam doors. Darn! What to do? Oh and at least it wasn’t MALE escorts.